I [25F] have been struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend [30M].

Throwaway account because you never know, and my main username is not the most anonymous for me. Apologies for the word vomit, I have to vent. TLDR, I’m just struggling. I feel stuck. I \[25F\] have a lot of deep love for my relationship and my boyfriend \[30M\].

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I don’t know where to begin or what to even say. I have been feeling very low and helpless, lost and questioning what I’m doing with myself and my life. I have been living with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now, we knew each other for 2 years before moving in together. I have been at a point for a few months now of questioning my relationship, if it’s right to be together anymore. It does not seem like my boyfriend wants to be with me. He never expresses that explicitly, that’s just my perspective from the actions I witness. We don’t communicate anymore. Probably less than 5-10 minutes averaging every day, and that’s if I’m lucky. We used to communicate alot, for hours out of the day. But these days, when we do communicate, arguments usually ensue. Not always, maybe every other week there’s a day or two where things are OK and we’re positive with each other. I used to be the type of person to need a resolve if there is an argument, but I have let that go in this relationship, because he is the type to burst extremely (it never comes to physical harm, just through screaming and words) then shuts down the conversation when it gets heated, leading to days of silence from both of our ends. It usually only ever gets resolved if I put in more work and end up extending an olive branch, whether it be through an act of service or other efforts. I have been dealing with some other things in my life that I’ve been struggling with, and once or twice when I tried to reach out to him for help or someone to talk to, he would be unresponsive. I would say something to him, and he would just stare at me for a moment and then put his attention elsewhere, like his videogame. We are almost never intimate anymore. But I would never want for him to be intimate if he doesn’t want, so I don’t communicate about sometimes wishing for more affection, and I have worked alot to make peace with the way things are, for him and his comfort.

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Don’t get me wrong, I have found so much joy and contentment throughout this relationship. My partner had always seemed to accept me as I am, and I felt the views I have of myself and of life in general strengthened in a positive direction since we have known each other. He has expressed before that I have helped him and brought positivity for him as well. Sometimes things have been really nice together. He has helped me so much to accept myself and feel OK about myself and my life. But I’ve been at my wit’s end.

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He doesn’t show that he cares of me in any way any more, and never seems to want to be with me. I know this may all sound repetitive, I’m just confused now. Our latest argument happened last night. We are both homebodies, never really care to go out. But I got tickets to see a friend’s band for last night. I brought it up to him, because I always have a naive hope that he will one day be happy to spend time with me. My younger sister was going as well so I wouldnt be alone, so I tried to reassure him he didnt have to join if he didnt want to, because I know he is usually not a fan of doing things with me.

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At the last minute he said he would go. But the whole night he was huffing and puffing, an angry face, arms crossed in the corner of the venue. My sister loves him too, and we tried engaging with him, trying to uplift, but to no avail. So after some time I asked if he wanted to leave the concert early. He said he wanted to leave ever since we arrived, so I asked why would he agree to come if he didn’t actually want to? I never want him to do anything he doesnt want, but his negativity really brought me down. I didn’t understand. I get it, he was trying to do it for me, but it’s more hurtful for him to do that and then blame me that he even joined.

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While we were at the concert and he was acting all upset just being there, he told me the next day he was going to a birthday party of a friend (our old roommate, his friend for longer, but I’ve been to many parties of that friend of his and his friend group, and it’s always positive energy…). But he said he was going to it alone, for me not to go. He did say that it was the friend’s wish for it to be a “Boys Night” type of thing for this party, which I of course understand and am always okay with, of course. He visits his friends every week for boys night, I would never object to that, I think it’s good and important to have that. But then he said that before that birthday party, he was going to another party before that of a female co-worker that I do not know, and he told me he would also be going to that without me, that he preferred to go with a male friend of his from work. At that point I became a little rustled, he didnt bring these things up to me before that moment when he was in an angry way, so I told him “Ok, well have fun.” I tried to keep a neutral voice. But he got angrier with me, saying I was being passive aggressive. Maybe I was, but what else was I supposed to say? So we left the concert, at that point I was feeling a bit down, so I said I would continue to spend some time with my sister, and he said he was going to go home on his own…

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Cue to when I actually get back home a couple hours later. When I walk in the door, he slams his door shut in the room he was in, the office. So yeah, I became upset as well, so when I go to the bedroom to go to sleep, I slammed my door as well. He exploded, kicking the door in, screaming at me not to slam the door closed. I said he did that himself the second I came home, so why is he so angry that I did the same, as if he can do something but if I do it as well then only I do wrong. Petty, childish, I know. It’s not all right, I get it, I should not have done that. I was shutting down by then, as he screamed for me to shut the fuck up and telling me I’m stupid among other things. I heard him outside the bedroom knocking things over, chairs and things, but I didn’t have the energy to go outside of the bedroom and engage with him. I go to bed, feeling sad and exhausted, but I can’t sleep for hours until morningtime the next day. I napped for maybe 2 hours. He slept on the couch.

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The next day, today, I leave to work while he is asleep. No word from him throughout the day, but I also don’t bother to reach out. Cue to right now, I get home, he’s gone, probably at the parties, and my things are thrown around our apartment. He has broken some of my things, none of them matter or have high value, small things like my hair brush, etc. It’s upsetting to me. I don’t understand. I don’t think I am in the right and he’s in the wrong or anything like that. It’s complicated.

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This is just the latest of what has happened, and what is the most recent on my mind right now, it would be too much to keep writing of every little thing that goes wrong, nobody here has time for that lol. No worries if nobody has time to read this either…. I just had to get this out..

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I just don’t understand. I don’t know what to do, not with myself, with my life or anything. I have been through a cycle of helplessness like this before, and I tell myself to just take a step back and focus on myself while we still live together. But then something similar happens again and again, issues never get resolved, the cycle continues.

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Any advice is appreciated. Again, I am sorry for such a long post. I am just really struggling right now.

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Repeating the TLDR for the end of the post… I’m just struggling. I feel stuck. I have a lot of deep love for my relationship and my boyfriend. I don’t want things to end, there has been alot of good. But lately there has been not as much good present with each other. Thank you for reading.