So, for starters, both my girlfriend (16-18F) and I (16-18NB) have been together for over a year and a half and are long distance.
Last Halloween, she went to a friend’s house, and they smoked pot. However, not too long after that, in her health class, they told her about some drug that was getting into other drugs that was killing people. I’m not entirely sure about the details of it, but she told me she didn’t want to smoke from then on, at least for a while.
I know I should have told her right then that I was uncomfortable with her smoking pot period, but my bias against it came from trauma, and it’s hard for me to talk about. I don’t even really like thinking about it. I’m shaking just typing this out.
I thought that would be the end of her smoking for a bit at least. But, last night she did it again. She only told me about people being drunk at the birthday party she went to and nothing about smoking. I’m fine with a little alcohol on special occasions safely with friends. But, smoking is different then a few shots of stolen vodka. Especially since it is illegal where she is.
Later, though, when we were talking, I figured she was sober cuz the party had been over for a bit. But, during our brief conversation I started to get a bit frustrated cuz if felt like she was only reading half my messages, and I said something along the lines of “I don’t think you’re understanding” to which she replied that she was still high.
I immediately ended the conversation there and ignored her until I was at work earlier today.
I figured that I should tell her my feelings on it and apologized for not telling her sooner. We talked on my break and I told her it didn’t stem from just a personal preference but from trauma. She knows I have been through a lot but not a whole lot of details, so she really couldn’t have even guessed. I never mentioned not liking it, and I don’t hold a grudge over her doing it now. However, I told her that I don’t want her to do it ever again and that I can’t stop her but if she wants to keep doing it then I don’t want to keep dating her.
She doesn’t understand why she can’t keep doing it because I’m not near her and she won’t do it around me, so what is the big deal? But I said if she does it behind my back then she should leave since that is just breaking my trust.
She said she wouldn’t do it because she loves me but she doesn’t know how to feel about me giving her an ultimatum like that. She says she thinks it’s controlling, and maybe it is. She said she won’t turn into anyone I knew who did it. But, my brain just says it’s empty words. The only way I can trust she won’t is if she just doesn’t do it at all.
My friend said that he didn’t think it was controlling, it was just me setting a boundary. But, I don’t know. I feel bad about it.
My girlfriend wants to talk to her therapist about this situation but for the time being, we decided to both try and go back to how things were before we both got busy. Try to spend more time together, more calls and dates. Things like that.
Was I wrong? If so, how should I fix this? I feel like I should just apologize and try to get over it. However, I don’t know if that is just me being nonconfrontational, which I usually very much am.
TL;DR: I told my gf that I don’t want to date her if she smokes pot again due to me having trauma around it and I feel bad for giving her an ultimatum.
4 comments
Don’t let your trauma think you can try to control what she decides to do. The drug you’re thinking of is fentanyl which is highly potent and is often mixed with mdma, coke a number of other drugs which has caused numerous fatal overdoses.
However It’s her journey to make mistakes, and smoking pot is the least harmful. Being so young, experimenting is something that just happens. If you aren’t comfortable with her behaviour, then reassess if it’s a relationship you want to be in. Otherwise she’ll see you as controlling and the fun police and will begin to despise you and end it herself, so if you want to stay friends then just tell her that her choices aren’t for you and wish her well.
You get to decide who you have relationships with. If you don’t want to have a relationship with someone who smokes weed, you don’t have to. The flip side is that they can decide not to be in a relationship with you, if it means not doing something they want to do.
I don’t really think there’s a moral dimension here (in other words, you don’t have to feel bad for stating your preference). It might feel bad if this relationship doesn’t work out, but that’s a different matter. And, in all likelihood, you will have relationships that don’t work out (and that’s okay! it just can hurt, sometimes).
If you have the option, I do recommend therapy for working through trauma (that stuff doesn’t tend to fix itself).
I think you’re allowed to make whatever boundaries you like. You’ve told her that it bothers you and the extent. You’ve told her you don’t want to date her if she keeps doing it. I think that’s reasonable.
Pot is a drug. Regardless of whether or not it’s a serious drug, some people would rather not date someone that does any drugs. It’s fair.
You aren’t taking away her choice. She can respect that it bothers you, or she can walk away and find someone cool with it.
It is your trauma to deal with, but you don’t need to be with someone that does something knowing it bothers you. It’s not unreasonable to not like drugs.
Others have already said the important stuff, but I want to also point out that in future relationships you need to be clear and *upfront* about this expectation and how important it is to you. Seek out others who dislike pot. Don’t spring it on a partner like this; while you are free to set a boundary (I also wouldn’t want to date anyone who smokes pot), she’s also right to feel upset about being blindsided over what she assumed was normal teenage experimentation and given an ultimatum with no compromise possible.