I’ve been with my partner for about 5 years. We’ve never had a situation like this before, because I don’t have any other guy friends. But recently, I reconnected with an old guy friend—let’s call him Tony—and it’s sort of caused my partner to spiral.
This happened about 3 months ago. I met up with Tony twice, once for lunch and once to go to a party at a mutual friend’s house. Both times, I asked my partner if he felt comfortable with the situation. He wasn’t very open to it, but said he didn’t want to be the type of guy to tell me who I can and can’t hang out with, because I would end up resenting him. I valued Tony as a friend a lot back in the day and was excited to see him again, so, I continued to make and keep plans with him.
Leading up to me seeing Tony, my partner questioned our plans and found fault with just about everything, like where we’d be eating lunch, what time we’d be meeting, and so on. He also openly insulted Tony, despite never having met him, calling him a douchebag and making fun of his looks. When I asked him please don’t do that (making fun of someone’s looks is a low blow), he said “why are you so defensive of this guy?”
In addition, we’d have hours long conversations multiple times per week about Tony and I’s past relationship. The truth is, we were only ever just friends. My partner refused to accept that and called me a liar, and said he couldn’t wrap his head around why I would want to meet up with Tony if we didn’t have a romantic connection. He would ask me over and over again if I had feelings for Tony. When I said no, he would call me a liar and then say something like, “I know you’re lying because your eyes darted up to the right.” Then, he’d ask me again.
At one point, he demanded to see my phone and threatened to terminate our lease (we rent together) the next day if I didn’t hand it over. (I refused, and nothing ever came of it.)
I will admit I fucked up when I went to the party (Tony and I’s second time seeing each other after reconnecting): I was having fun and had a couple drinks too many. I initially told my partner I probably would not be out late, but because I was driving, I waited to sober up before heading home. As a result, I came home 2-3 hours later than I expected. I did relay this to my partner via text, but as a whole, I wasn’t as responsive to texts as I normally am and sometimes went an hour or two without responding to something he sent me.
When I got home that night, my partner was in the living room, sitting in the dark, drunk, waiting for me. I immediately apologized, but explained I wanted to be responsible because I would never want to drive home drunk, or even tipsy. We argued for hours, until past 4 in the morning. He kept asking me what happened between Tony and I, kept demanding for “the truth.” And, kept calling me a liar and said some weird stuff about me being a manipulative woman “just like the others.” (I’d never seen this side of him before and it was alarming, to say the least.) He said I’d been making bad choices lately and that he felt like he didn’t know me anymore.
The conversation continued into the next day. After asking over a dozen times if anything happened between Tony and I, he decided he “didn’t want to know.” We decided to stay together, and life went on as usual. Kind of.
Since then, his “trust issues” (his term) have been resurfacing on-and-off. It most commonly shows up by him just going cold when we are out together doing something, but he also questions little details about things I do. I was traveling for the past week and I sent him a picture of the hotel room. He was thrown off because the room had 2 beds and he doubted that I was traveling by myself. (I literally booked what was cheapest, and the room with the single King bed was about $20 more.) I even FaceTimed him from the room, and I was clearly alone. He said I could have sent Tony on an errand or asked him to leave while I made a call. We discussed this at the time, and 4 days later when I got home, it was practically the first thing we talked about when I got through the door. There was no “Good to see you!” or “Welcome home!” He questioned me about a new jacket I was wearing, then it spiraled into “Were you alone?” We talked it through and he ended up apologizing, but things don’t feel good. The air is heavy.
What I’m struggling with is: how much of this do I tolerate? I understand being insecure, as I have had mistrust in past relationships for, honestly, lesser reasons. I’m empathetic but at this point, it’s been months and I don’t see an end in sight.
Writing this out, I realize how toxic it sounds. Outside of this, and before this, things were good, perhaps a bit codependent, but good. But, I have to wonder, how good were they really if this is occurring now? Maybe this mistrust was always there, and it just actually surfaced now because it’s the first time in our relationship I’ve ever talked to another guy, outside of his friend group.
Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing Tony again because I do value him as a friend, but I feel like shit would absolutely hit the fan at home if I even entertained the idea. Maybe this is selfish of me, but I don’t like feeling like I can’t go where I want and see who I want. I feel like it’s wrong of me to hang out with him again knowing the distress it causes my partner, but I also feel like I should be allowed to spend time with who I want.
For people who have experienced similar, is there any coming back from this? And where do I draw the line between being understanding/tolerant and not putting up with mistreatment?
**tl;dr:** Connected with an old guy friend and my partner thinks I’m cheating. It’s been months since I’ve hung out with the friend, but my partner is still questioning everything I do.
37 comments
His issues are his issues. Don’t stop being friends with someone because you’re boyfriend is insecure. That’s on him. I wouldn’t wanna spend my life with someone like that. Life is short and there are plenty of men who are secure enough to not let such a silly thing get between them and their partner. He sounds like a childish little boy.
Do me a favor. Go back and read your post and imagine it was a stranger writing this. What would you say to them? How is that advice different from what you’re doing right now and why won’t you follow that advice yourself?
I think you know where this is going. Trust is critical in a long term relationship. Just ask my wife of 27 years. Right now, he doesn’t trust you and it’s probably worth looking up “sunk cost fallacy” to help you make a decision about next steps.
Good lord, this guy is incredibly controlling and manipulative.
You have already blazed way past “tolerant.” At this point his behavior is abusive. He very clearly doesn’t trust you and is never going to believe that you aren’t cheating on him again. He is only going to be satisfied if you completely isolate yourself from other men forever, and maybe not even then.
I have experienced this before. The jealousy doesn’t magically disappear. It usually gets worse. If someone doesn’t trust you because of their own issues, there’s nothing you can really do to fix that because your behavior isn’t the problem in the first place.
Your boyfriend’s expectations are unreasonable and his behaviour is toxic.
Yeah his actions are intolerable. This is completely a ‘him’ problem and he obvioulsy feels that he is incapable of having a platonic realtionship with a woman therefore he’s being small minded and assuming that everyone is like him. Thus in his mind you’re obviously attracted to and want to fuck Tony – because that is how HE would feel if he had a female ‘friend’.
He has zero right to act like this and try to control who you are friends with, he either trusts you or he doesn’t and he clearly doesn’t….and there can’t be a realtionship without trust. You do the math.
Am gonna be the bad guy here I think your cheating cause your story is not adding up here may you say you went traveling by yourself right that sounds strange an on top of it you buy a room with too beds something is adding up an you want to keep meeting an texting for hours that songs more like bf than a friend.
Rightly or wrongly if your partner doesn’t trust you that is very hard to ever fully come back from, the reasons don’t even matter. And TBH it would be miserable for both of you to go on like you are describing. Has he had any issues in the past with ex’s cheating on him, that kind of baggage will burrow deep and may not show itself until a situation like yours.
If you’re being honest and there is absolutely nothing between you and Tony then your boyfriend is being extra. Something about this doesn’t pass the smell test though. Only you know for sure, but I hope you aren’t gaslighting your bf.
He definitely has trust issues. If the thought of reassuring your partner begins to feel like a chore your hearts not in it. I had male friends, but to respect my husband I would never do anything that made him uncomfortable- even if he told me it was okay. I would know it’s not. If I found him chatting with a “friend” for hours on the phone I would not take kindly to it. It’s easy to say it’s toxic, but if a seed has been planted and you’re not taking the steps to correct his overthinking or rationalize with him what’s the point?
I love my husband, I know he can be irrational. But I will reassure him every time. We chose to be family, and I will not allow anyone else to come between and jeopardize our peace. It’s all a choice. Not saying you’re to blame. Just offering another perspective.
The fact that he wasn’t okay with you meeting up with a friend was flag #1.
This jealousy and mistrust was probably always there, there just hadn’t been an opportunity for it to surface. And it sounds like he’s still doing this even tho you haven’t seen Tony since the party?
Unless he wants to work on his weird jealousy/trust issues, I guess you just have to decide if you’re okay with your partner deciding who you can and can’t be friends with.
You know him best, do you think he is capable of moving on from this? He needs to talk to a therapist, his anxiety is out of control and he has become controlling. If you want to leave him I would not fault you as your situation sounds awful.
I think, you should talk to him about how the relationship is failing for you. He needs to listen and understand how is being controlling and how that effects your relationship. You could try doing 6 or so sessions with a couples counselor, the goal would be to come to a decision about if the situation is salvageable. You don’t have to do this alone.
>When I said no, he would call me a liar and then say something like, “I know you’re lying because your eyes darted up to the right.” Then, he’d ask me again.
Maybe that’s because you were rolling your eyes so hard at him.
It sounds like your bf is being insufferable. If you mention he’s never had this issue for 5 years since you don’t have any male friend otherwise, he’s managed to keep that crazy-jealous-distrustful side of him under control.
Or he may also be deflecting. Sometimes people who are actually cheating would go on the offense just like your dear bf here, since they’re aware they’ve been screwing around so they’re afraid their partners are doing the same thing as they are (cheating).
The thing is, he’s not reacting or acting ‘kindly’ in a way so Idk if I would ever suggest staying with this guy…
I know and am not foreign with the feeling of being jealous or being insecure. When I feel insecure and/or jealous, I would be honest with my partner. I would tell him that while I know I can trust him, I can’t help myself by feeling insecure about this…or this, and usually my partner would do what he can to help with this feeling short of cancelling something, for example. Also, my partner has come to me too often in the past (his exes cheated on him so he had trust issue and he told me openly on it and we’ve worked things out) to let me know when he’s feeling insecure and I would remind him and reassure him. But your bf’s MO is to attack you and put you in ‘hell’ so to speak (interrogating you when you should be asleep) and then the accusations, and threats, etc.
I think you guys are incompatible. You touched on the codependency issue and I think there’s more to it. You’re looking for more freedom and independence and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
I have to honest with you and I’m not saying your bf is going about things the right way but he indirectly was communicating his boundaries to you, albeit he did it in a really poor manner. I think he could’ve said he’s not comfortable and that would’ve saved you guys some time. In addition to his insecurities he needs to work on communication.
Now with regards to the party. Did you and Tony drive together to the party and did you drop him off at home after? I think you coming home that much later than expected is reason for concern. Even more so bc you already knew how much this was all bothering him and chose go ahead with things anyway….and then it just so happens that you’re late. Whoops.
Not saying you’re cheating but your actions don’t seem to bring your bf any sense of security and I think that’s what’s driving him crazy.
Advice to your bf: why date someone you can’t trust?
Advice to you: why be with someone who is as controlling as this guy?
He must have been cheated on in the past ans hence the insecurity.
See, I ll share his perspective if it helps.
You didn’t have a male friend earlier but now you do, so change.
You hang out with him now too , change again.
You go out partying with him and come late 4 hours or so and you barely text . That’s actually a big red flag for even some pseudo ideologically self proclaimed secure person. But still, it was one time.
From his perspective and many cheated upon folks, this is how cheaters begin.
But ,despite that , you are not cheating and you can only convince this much .
It’s a him problem and he needs to seek some one on one intense therapy .
I have a friend like that.. damn he was exhausting.
The itony is tgat i bet he would cheat on you without batting an eye. Sometimes people like him are projecting and cannot be trusted themselves so they feel like others are also not trustworthy.
Just a question.
When he asked to see your phone why didn’t you just show him. It makes you look guilty even if you’re innocent.
Also the party incident is understandable from his side. Guys are very insecure with male friends so you should’ve just showed him your phone. He probably really does believe you cheated even though you didn’t.
It looks like your SO has been cheated on in the past. Now this doesnt excuse any behaviour like that and he shouldnt put that on you, but you could help him. Has he always been this “controling”? Is this normal behaviour for him? First of all let me say that i am not accusing anyone of anything but as a person who has been cheated on a few times, i am going to give my personal perspective on what i read on this post.
For your SO this isnt just a friend (like the ones he knows) but a NEW friend from your past. Nothing wrong with that but if that friend is so important to you (a partner picks that up) then why didnt you introduce him to your partner when you reconnected again? I would imagine that a friend is interested in your personal life. Your partner might think you are hiding him and keep them separated, he doesnt know your history together. There are plenty of posts in this sub with the title “my SO met up with an old friend, someone i was told i didnt have to worry about”. Why didnt your partner join you on that lunch? Why did you go to that party with your friend and didnt your partner join (aswell)? When your partner told you that “he wasnt the type of person that would tell you what to do”, you must have picked up the vibe that he was not completely comfortable with it. Did you brush it of reassure him before you went anyway? When you went to that party, you got home later than you said you were, did respond later than ussual to his texts and got drunk while beeing at a party with (for your partner) another man. That is a change in YOUR normal behaviour
He shouldnt have demanded it but why didnt you just give him your phone when he wanted to look at it? With all this in mind it isnt that strange that questions it when you go on a trip and it turns out to be you are staying in a double room. It might have been the cheapest option but in his mind what is 20 dollar extra. Again read the posts in this sub.
If all of this is normal behavious for your partner, then RUN. But if this isnt normal for him and you never had any warnings about this side of him, then you partner is insecure about this new guy that is so important to you (possibly because past relationships). I am not saying that you should fix his issues but all you do right now is feed them. Because i am pretty sure that if your partner would post this exact story about you that many comments would yell red flag on some points.
I am not saying who is right or wrong here, just giving my thoughts on what i read.
good luck OP
I’ll be the bad guy here.
It seems pretty obvious a past girlfriend of his cheated, or someone he knows was cheated on. He knows the signs.
Your quest to reconnect with Tony is one sign. Your refusal to give him your phone is a 2nd sign. Your lunch alone is a 3rd sign. Your night drinking with Tony and coming home hours later than you said is a 4th sign.
More than likely, your boyfriend belives your behavior and actions sowed the seed of mistrust. Why did you feel the need to have lunch alone or go to a party and drink with Tony alone? Would it not have been more appropriate to have your boyfriend accompany you?
All the comments of insecurity and ugly jealousy are moot. Why, because they’re not you and they’re not dating your boyfriend. Besides that, I know damn well, man or woman facing the same scenario as your boyfriend would probably come to the same conclusion.
I highly doubt there are many people responding that have not experienced insecurity in their relationships at one time or another. As I said, I highly doubt those responding would not think the same thing your boyfriend thinks. They may have responded differently, but you know damn well many would find your actions inappropriate.
Have you introduced them to each other? Have you offered to spend time with both together?
Doing things like drinking at party’s together alone, spending hours texting each other and saying you’ll be home at x time but drinking more and spending more time would definitely raise alarmbells in most women’s eyes if a man where to do this.
Even if he does have trust issues, if you value the relationship you should invite him and enjoy time together at the very least.
> “I know you’re lying because your eyes darted up to the right.”
This is shown not to be true. ALSO it’s not something a caring partner would ever say to you. What a loser.
If you care about him and had a great relationship before Tony came on the scene then dump Tony and work things out in your relationship. I would act different but would be jealous we’re I in your BFs situation.
Does he have female friends? Did you invite him to go along with you and Tony?
He seems controlling.
As someone who has been cheated on in the past this has soooooo many red flags
Not saying you’re cheating but if you were my partner, based off what you said here, I’d think you’re cheating too
All of a sudden spending all this time with another man, not responding to texts for hours, drinking with another man with your partner isn’t present?
Him telling you he’s uncomfortable but you go anyways
I bet your partner has been cheated on before
I can almost guarantee it
And the way your acting is the way a cheater acts just saying
Reading your text I understand your partner’s feelings.
You’re together for a long time and out of nowhere you bring up a male friend from the past.
Instead of introducing them, you decide to make and keep plans with this friend even knowing your partner wasn’t comfortable about that.
You text your friend and hide the conversations. Refuse to show them to your partner.
You’re only in touch with your friend if you’re partner is not around.
You keep saying you value Tony too much.
Having lunch alone with your friend was not enough so you decided to go to a party, drinking more than you should with him and got home several hours late.
While your relationship was in trouble because of those unclear friendship events you went on a trip alone but booked a two-bed room.
If it was the opposite and your partner was behaving just like you how’d you feel? If you read all this from a stranger, what would you think?
It’s quite clear you don’t care so much about your relationship. That’s why you’re posting here painting your husband like an insecure and manipulative person to get some validation for your behavior.
He’s not the only one who thinks you’re cheating even if it’s only emotional (which doesn’t seem to be the case here).
He needs therapy or you need to get out of there. That’s all there is to it. If he’s this pissed at Tony how do you think it’ll be any time you have male friends from now on?
Most people can’t play a character for 5 years. That’s a long ass time to hide a major insecurity. Something tells me there’s a lot more to this situation that would cause your BF OF 5 YEARS to JUST start acting weird? Nah, a lot of comments have already stated the obvious. Most adults understand that their actions have consequences and when it comes to gray areas where your partner is uncomfortable you have to make the decision to either:
1. Comfort him/her and make sure they doesn’t feel insecure about your relationship or think that your relationship is at risk
2. Say ‘fuck you, I don’t care about your feelings even though we’ve dated exclusively for 5 years. I’m going to do what I want. Your problems/feelings are irrelevant to my life. Stop being insecure.’
Personally, I would hope the person I chose to be in an exclusive relationship with would be more empathetic and considerate. ESPECIALLY if this is the first major issue we’ve had after 5 years together.
“I know you’re lying because your eyes darted up to the right”
Question; is your husband a cop? Would explain the paranoia, heated behavior and mistrust. My father used to be a deputy and was told this horseshit all the time by his trainers/superiors. He is chief of police and tells his people that this ridiculous info is a load of BS. I learned this in one of my criminal justice classes on criminal intelligence too.
You manage to get this far in life without “Tony”.
The question you should now be asking yourself is who do you pick? Believe me, you have to pick one.
Your PARTNER of 5 years? Or some dude you haven’t spoken to in years?
You shouldn’t be going to parties or going to lunchs alone with you another male, that’s just wrong, put yourself in his shoes and imagine if he started hanging out with some chick from his past, what would you feel? i know i wouldn’t like my gf doing this.
And why you didnt give him your phone when asked? it’s not a big deal if you don’t have anything to hide.
And why the fuck are you choosing to hang out with Tony, a stranger, over your boyfriend? especially when he doesn’t like it.
IMO, you’re the wrong one in this story.
Wow,you clearly are making it really seem like you’re cheating.
He said he didn’t want to be the kind of guy who says who you can and can’t hang out with but he was probably really hoping that you’d make the right decision on your own.
Showing up late at night hours after you said you’d be home from hanging out with a man he doesn’t know at a party where you’re drinking and mistakes could be made.
I respect my relationship enough to never spend time alone with another man. My man knows I’d never cheat and would allow me to hang out with a guy friend but I choose not to out of respect and he does the same with females.
You might be able to come back from this but you’re gonna have to start respecting your partner and your relationship
Just recently I was in your boyfriend’s place. Only I did a good job hiding my resentment of my boyfriend reconnecting with his old friend that he admitted to have a crush on. I kept it in until it exploded and I told him how it hurts me in a not-so-nice way. He cut her off immediately and I tried my best to accept the fact that I’m definitely not a “cool girlfriend”. I’m insecure, jealous and have trust issues.
BUT
I’d never do what your partner is putting you through on the daily basis. I’d either break up or find a way to deal with it without throwing cheating accusations and/or interrogation after a work trip. He is borderline abusive. He needs to address his trust issues instead of making them your problem.
I’d have a problem with how you went out with your friend too. I’d be jealous. I’d be suspicious when you refused to let me snoop in your phone. And I simultaneously would recognize that accusing you of things is wrong. He needs to define how all this is making him feel and communicate it with you to find a compromise where both of you are comfortable. Or end it.
I don’t know your boyfriend, but when I was feeling jealous and insecure I wanted only one thing. For my partner to reassure me I’m the only one they want and that I matter to them more than the other person. May I suggest that he wants the same?
The obsession with imaginary cheating actually doesn’t even need to enter into the equation here – because this person you’ve described is *not a good man.* Mocking your friends’ appearance, trying to control your choices through guilt and/or passive aggression, keeping you up until 4am to fight, shouting at you, calling you names… NONE THIS is okay, and this is *absolutely not* a relationship, or a man, worth “fighting for.” Nobody deserves this kind of emotionally-abusive nonsense, and certainly not you.
First off you raised two red flags, one you go to lunch with an old male friend and two you then go to a party and drank enough with your old friend that you were 2 -3 hours late getting home and didn’t bother texting or calling to say you were going to be late. If it were him doing this would you be alright with it? Plus you refuse to let him see your phone knowing full well this would just fuel his suspicion. The iceing on this cake is “Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing Tony again because I do value him as a friend”, you are already starting and EA and we all know where that leads to. Either end it with “Tony” and go NC or be prepare to have your current relationship end. You are stirring the pot and it will soon boil over.
You should be inviting your boyfriend to come along on outings with Tony, not hanging out with him alone. Your boyfriend is being toxic and mistrusting with his responses, but your kind of giving him reason to.
He has clearly been cheated on in a previous relationship. You need to understand how that messes with a person and support him as best you can, which means discussing what he’s comfortable with, being open and proving you can be trusted, and maybe even having him meet Tony (if he wants that). However, he is becoming unhinged since you didn’t do any of those things so far… I’m not sure how you can save this relationship even if you completely cut Tony out of your life. He needs a therapist at a minimum.
To be frank, if you want to do whatever you want whenever you want with no consequences, you need to be single. You just can’t be like that in a relationship if it’s making your partner uncomfortable. In a relationship, you need to make reasonable compromises, and if that cannot happen then the relationship needs to end.
I am not saying his actions are in any way normal or acceptable, but if you choose to end your relationship, you should be more respectful to your future partner(s).
Your partner expressed how uncomfortable this made him, yet you went out with Tony anyway. Did you think to include your partner at the lunch or party instead of just leaving him and going with another guy? From my perspective, your toxic actions are causing your partner to spiral.
I’m of a couple minds.
1) you state you had a codependent relationship. There’s a good chance that his skills in trusting have atrophied. IE: he’s not used to you going out with a male friend because you haven’t done it a lot. He feels uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to handle it. He’s going about self-soothing in a really destructive way.
2) you don’t really talk about what you have done to make him feel comfortable. I hesitate to bring this up because his behavior has been really off the wall and extreme, so at this point it would almost “feed into” it.
But, i can understand his initial discomfort. I mean, I’ve been in a very long term relationship. If a previous female friend reached out to my husband and they started talking again, I would be a little jealous. And he would immediately tell me about it, ask how I feel. Tell me about their relationship, and then have us meet. He would want her to be my friend as well as his – she would be a friend of the *relationship* .
3) at this point, his behavior is pretty wild and out of control. So I don’t know if any of this actually helpful. I also don’t know if he’s the person who would actually benefit from either of the thoughts I’ve had. Obviously he’s antagonistic towards your friend, so having them be friends would be pretty difficult.
I’m really sorry.