I’m getting married to my fiance pretty soon, I’m leaving my home country in a couple of weeks and the least I can say is that I have no support from family and friends, they all think that I’m making a mistake and no one is willing to travel to attend the ceremony, not even my mom, even though we offered to pay everything for this trip. When I ask them why, are they seeing things I don’t see about my fiance etc they say that even though he seems great, has good intentions etc they think my marriage is doomed before it even started, say it never works out etc. And even though I try not to be affected by their opinion, it’s starting to get scared. It’s such a big deal in my life, and I wish I had support. Because of this I’m starting to question everything even though I love my fiance and only want to be with him, I’m scared to make a mistake and ruin my life as they say.
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I am married to a foreigner and it happens to all of us. People often have a lot to say. Relationships between people from different countries are in fact like any other relationship. They are not special in any way. Of course there can possibly be some cultural differences, but it does not mean that they are always something negative. You can meet a person from a different country and really become a great couple, and you can meet a person from your country with whom you would not get along at all. Just like any other relationship it may work out or not.
It depends on you, and you only. Do you get along? Do you have similar views? Do you see your future in the same way? If you do, no one else should interfere here. Just treat your partner as any other potential partner. Don’t accept something that you would not accept in a partner from your country. Don’t accept some things that you don’t really like, just because “it is his culture”. You are both just people. Being from a different country is not such a big deal.
Long distance marriages have been happening since Rebecca married Issac
Where are your friends? It’s one thing to have family be not supportive but are you in fact leaving a social network to somewhere isolated? Will you know how to run away and get help if say, he fell and got hurt? Do you have people to talk to and rely on if your new marriage has unexpected problems like sudden unemployment?
Is your family just being racist or are you doing something insane like flying out to be an Isis bride?
My husband and I are from different countries and we live in his. We have a wonderful, harmonic marriage. However, when we met, I’ve been living in his country for years. I had a full social circle, my own life and I didn’t come to this country because of love. I often see this as problem in other binational couples here. Some rely entirely on their partner, have no friends, don’t speak the language and don’t have a job. I don’t see any problems with you both being from different countries but I would advise you to build your life there as soon as you are there. Friends, job, language, ectr. Like this you can bring more equal balance into the relationship. Maybe that’s why your friends and family are worried. That you may rely entirely on your fiancé and if your marriage fails (this possibility always exists) you are stuck in a foreign country alone.
My husband is from Costa Rica and I’m from the U.S. After 7 years of dating we got married in the U.S. and he immigrated here. I was very young when we started dating (15, he was 16) so I think my dynamic might be different. We are now 25 and 27. I can relate to your situation though. I would dive deeper into what they see as a concern, as they may be genuine. Weed out the concerns that are prejudice where they are basing it on his culture or the fact he is from a different country. Also, has he been able to meet them face to face, or even see him on video? Actually seeing and interacting with someone goes a long way. That is how my family and friends met my husband (bf at the time) and it really allowed them to see our love for each other and build their support for us. You don’t owe them that experience but it may help in this situation. In my situation, I was helping my bf learn English and they could see the growth in him, language and otherwise, during our time long distance. This ultimately is what allowed us to stay together as we were minors at the time and both of our parents were very worried.
I will say as a piece of advice that culture can play a very large part in a marriage, more than typical marriages with partners from the same country. I would say in my marriage the culture is CR is extremely different from mine and it has (and continues) to cause issues to arise. You didn’t mention which country they are from, but keep that in mind going forward.
Lots of important details needed, like how long have you been going at it? What countries are you from? What are you plans or living and the future? My wife is from a different country, and we’re all good. But I assume it’s not like you’re German and she’s Austrian. Need more details.
Inter cultural relationships are harder. This is proven. It’s not impossible though.
I don’t think it means “doomed to fail” but it definitely means it will be more difficult. Small things you take for granted that are known are not in fact known with someone who grew up with very different norms. Even if previously discussed. I’ll use my sister as an example. They had cultural differences but it actually made their relationship more fun and interesting in the beginning. Over time, those same interesting things became frustrations.
Also, even though they had discussed what was important in regards to child rearing and household tasks being equitable, once she actually had children, he not only reverted back to his patriarchal society expectations, but it turns out the daily child rearing and equitable tasks looked different to each of them. They had to have so many lengthy discussions where he just didn’t seem to get it. They eventually divorced and he has since apologized for his behavior. Apparently dating many American women with pretty matching views of what is equitable and a supportive partner and he said he realized he was wrong. But it was too little, too late.
Going to the US? Since France is also a highly-developer western country, the social and cultural differences are way less that it could be. And your English is already excellent.
The real issue is not going to be your relationship, but the environment around it. For example, has his family been warm and welcoming? Will you be able to establish some type of life and social-circle that is completely independent of him: even if it starts with just co-workers.
Most of us actually interact with a small group of people. One or two friends is all it takes.
I suppose you’ve already tried to reason with your family. Their behavior is shockingly deplorable, given the circumstances. Are they not convinced that you will go through with it? trying to put pressure on you in the hope that you will change your mind?
If so, you should turn the tables on them. Sit your mom down and ask her if she want to never see you again. Tell her you are going to have some cute kids some day. Does she never want to see them? Tell her that if she wants to have any future contact with your or her grandkids, she should stop trying to manipulate you. She should accept your decision, take a deep breath, put on her best socially-pleasant face and play the role of happy in-law for a week.
Do whatever it takes: get angry, cry, tell her she’s a disappointment… you know her best, use whatever tools would work.
A full analysis would require that we know more details. Ages? How did you meet? Are you madly in love with him and attracted?
My husband and I are different nationalities and we’ve lived together in both countries at different moments. However, before getting married, we lived together for nearly 5 years and knew each other very well. What is your situation exactly? Will you live together for the first time only after marriage? Have you spent a significant amount of time together *in person*?
I’ve known plenty of couples from different countries with successful marriages. But it does introduce more potential challenges. So it’s important to understand that going in & plan for how to handle them.
How often will you see your family? How long do you stay when you do? When your family comes to visit will they stay at your home and for how long? What cultural differences will impact how you see your roles in your marriage? Etc.
These are a few I’ve seen people struggle a bit with. Others with personal experience married to someone from another country may have more to suggest.