I’m 26M. She’s 23.
Recently I’ve been feeling extremely down on myself. I feel I get disrespected all the time.
I found out today that my ex from last year has come to my house while she was back. No one was home. So she called my mum and asked her out for coffee and my mum accepted. This is all behind my back.
I’ll be honest. I felt extremely upset but this. I left. Cooled down. And messaged my ex asking if she could give me a heads up next time as I feel it’s super disrespectful to me.
She got really defensive. Said I need to accept that it’s nothing to do with me. Said she’s gonna meet with my mum anyway. Said it’s my problem im upset by it and she doesn’t care. And it got really really nasty.
I’ve been sat in my room crying all night.
What do I do now coz I’m panicking really hard.
Tl;dr panicking after ex messaged my mum for coffee.
34 comments
Why are you texting your ex about this and not your mum? Your mum is the one who currently has a relationship with you, so she’s the one you should be speaking to if you’re uncomfortable with her spending time with your ex.
Why are you panicking? And why wouldn’t you discuss this with your mom instead of your ex?
I feel like if this is something that bothers you, maybe your mom is the one you should be talking to?
What about this situation has you panicking? To me this seems like a non issue to get worked up about. Are you in any kind of therapy?
Did she have a relationship with your mom?
Just because you two broke up doesn’t mean any relationship established between them is null and void. I’m still friends with my best friends ex husband?
You two are broken up, what she does is none of your concern, she owes you no explanation and you don’t deserve “respect”.
Your mom on the other hand, that’s who you should be upset with IF you already told her that you don’t like the idea of them hanging out together.
And again, you don’t DESERVE respect. No one does. No one does. If you don’t like the way people are treating you, don’t associate with them.
From your comments, this isn’t about you being disrespected, which, if I’m being, frank is a non-issue. You need to go to therapy. I don’t have any other advice for you. There are way larger issues that you need to be focused on, and they are primarily coming from you, your self-esteem, and your self-worth.
Your mother and ex girlfriend are grown women and if they aren’t being malicious toward you, then I don’t necessarily see a problem with them getting coffee and catching up. It absolutely sucks that your ex and mom have any type of positive relationship but it happens.
You gotta go to therapy. The way you talk about yourself and your life is………. Not OK to put it lightly.
You sound like you need some mental help, and the person who cared about you seems like they are looking out for you without getting in your face.
I think you may need professional help bro, don’t act like this, you are better then this
I’ve read all your comments here and honestly, why did you post?
You’re actively swatting away all the advice (which is good, sound advice btw) from every other commenter. So why are you even posting here?
Your mother and your ex are friendly. They are not disrespecting you by having coffee together.
Your comments here say your friends treat you badly. But you also refuse to move out of your situation because you’d lose them. Okay, so now what?
You’re repeating over and over that you’d rather just be aliven’t but if that was the case then why the fuck are you here?
You need help. And I’m not saying this as a fluffy “ohmygoooood find a therapiiiist” but as a *jesus fucking christ you need a professional.*
Your view of the people around you is skewed to portray all of them as malicious, specifically harming you for…no reason? Fun? You also vehemently deny all attempts to even cheer you up as some have done here.
So what are you trying to accomplish? Vent? That’s what diaries or (surprise surprise) counsellors are for.
This is an advice-forum and you know that. So what are you trying to get help with? Because this little pity-party is nothing more than you wallowing in a puddle of your own despair, refusing to lift your head while claiming that you’re drowning.
I have dealt with suicidal ideation since I was a kid, I am well aware of how awful it is. I have dealt with trauma and manipulation. I know how fucking hard it is to accept help.
But if you don’t want people to even try to help you, *when you explicitly ask what to do now because you are panicking*? Then don’t ask us to.
So again: What are you trying to accomplish?
OP you need immediate psychiatric intervention. IMMEDIATE.
There’s no shame in seeking professional help when you clearly need it. You don’t need to suffer alone.
You don’t own your mom. She’s free to go with coffee with whomever she likes… This seems like a grow up and get over it type moment.
I read this post and all I heard was waaaaaaaaaaah
Your ex doesn’t have to tell you nor does your mom.
If they told you I highly doubt you would be like – cool Have fun!
Tbh it’s none of your business if they hang out. I would just tell my mom I don’t want to hear about it.
Why are you panicking? Did you do something terrible to her that you don’t want your mom to know about?
It’s time to move on and get help
wtf man
Holy jeez dudeski, seek professional help, like right now. Call the crisis number.
You literally sound unhinged my dude. I would strongly suggest therapy.
I’d suggest stop being such a victim. Every experience in your life is somehow an “attack” on you. You need psychiatric help to learn how to stop throwing yourself a never ending pity party.
Your mother and ex are probably still friends because they’ve both had the misfortune of being extremely close to your abuse. They have a bond.
INFO: Are you nervous your ex will tell certain things to your mom? What has you in a panic about them meeting. What secrets don’t you want shared?
After reading a few of op responses I have this to comment: Any one talking about how “the world” doesn’t respect you is a huge RED FLAG. You lack self-respect, that’s why you precieve others who are just living their own lives as disrespectful. No one owes you shit, be worthy of others respect by deed and not by word and you will get it. If you respected yourself you wouldn’t care what others thought. You need professional counsel before you harm someone.
Reading through all your comments and posts, I think it’s pretty evident your biggest problem is a lack of self esteem. You need to become comfortable and happy with yourself first, or nobody will ever be happy with you. I, like almost everyone else in this thread, recommend you go to therapy and seriously work on yourself. That’s basically the only healthy option you have at this point. I’m not a professional so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think it holds much weight when surrounded by the same advice
You need help. You don’t want advice, just attention. You’ve gotten it; now what? Feel better?
This pity party will not get you anywhere, but professional help will. Your mom and ex are grown adults who can do as they please. Get away from your friends if they treat you so bad and ignore your ex if you hate her. The ball is literally in your court to change things. Please get help.
You need to talk to someone and process your feelings properly because you’re not managing this well in your own mind. The idea of ‘disrespect’ almost always comes from a place of insecurity.
Get a grip. You ex and your mum are both adults. They are likely fond of each other, and when your relationship broke up, they reformed their relationship as friends — apart from their relationship with you.
Why should they consult with you? You have no control over their social life.
Ok, I understand you may be paranoid that they were talking about you. And maybe they did say “how’s the boy?” “A mess, let’s not talk about it.”
But the bottom line is: not everything is about you. Not every conversation is about you.
If this is throwing you into a crying fit, you need some therapy to help you process this better.
Why are you panicking? Is there something your ex knows that you’re afraid of your mom finding out?
I feel like you have a lot of growing up to do
I’ve been friends with exes moms it’s fine
Okay, after reading all of OP’s comments, now **I, too** want to get coffee with his mom. To impress upon her in no uncertain terms that the best and most loving thing she and OP’s dad can do as parents, is to get OP some psychological and psychiatric professional help ASAP.
OP, by your own admission you’re clearly unwell. You would go to your doctor if you had pneumonia or the flu. Mental health is health, it is widely de-stigmatized and there is absolutely no shame or embarrassment in getting the support you need. It sounds like a you need a fair amount. Good luck.
Go seek therapy. Your comments to others are ridiculous
People are allowed to do things without needing your permission. You’re in a deep hole and youre being a jerk. I get it. It’s hard to see everyone else happy but dude. You’re being a jerk to everyone who is answering and that makes any compassion sour very quickly.
Idk what else to say that anyone else hasn’t said, but good luck to you.
Dude your outlook on life is super jaded. I get it, I’ve been there, but please go talk to a therapist. Your life can be better, but you have to want to put in the work for *you*.
Your ex doesn’t owe you anything, but you should talk to a therapist to figure out how to talk to your mother about why this hurt you.
So I read through your comments, and I’m going to echo what other people have said. You need to seek therapy. You sound very depressed and confused. You’re 26, you don’t seem very independent, and you’re freaking out about your ex having coffee with your mom. You’re telling us that you’re angry, lonely, vindictive, etc. you need to get help, grow up, and move on with your life. This is coming from another 26 year-old dude.
Does anybody else think this may be fake? OP doesn’t acknowledge any comments about why not just talk with the mom directly about this deeply troubling concern but instead reiterates this woe is me mentally?
If your ex from a year ago having coffee with your mom, triggers you like this. Neither your ex, your mom, or their having coffee, is the actual issue.
You need to focus on yourself and getting help.
This has to be fake or you need therapy asap. Everyone is an adult in your scenario and no one is your child. They don’t need permission to get coffee and hang out. The fact that your mom agreed shows the ex isn’t a bad person or your mom is also a bad person, in which case you shouldn’t care what either of them do and go low contact or no contact, up to you.
>I’m still friends with my ex mil, when you build relationships with others they don’t just vanish if you break up. Clearly your mom and her have a bond. So you to get over it. They’re adults and you can’t control them
Sweetheart, and I mean this with all of the compassion, empathy, and understanding in the world. . . . This sounds like much more than your ex asking your mom out for coffee. You’re having a lot of strong feelings right now and that’s okay, but it really seems you’re projecting those feelings on others instead of dealing with them inside of yourself. Firstly, your mom is who you should be having a conversation with about this. Maybe there’s justified reason to feel betrayed she’s meeting your ex for coffee, maybe it’s just you completely overwhelmed and in your feelings right now. It’s okay either way, but you really need to sit down with your mom and open up to her. Tell her you’re feeling overwhelmed, dismissed, disrespected, and unimportant lately. Don’t attack her. Tell her how you’re feeling and what’s going on for you.
Furthermore, I know it’s said as default all the time on reddit, but I really think it will help you really get some perspective on what’s going on for you and help focus your emotions and energy in dealing with your emotions into a constructive and appropriate place to let them out- please consider therapy to gain some skills for coping and processing your emotions in healthy ways. We all need a listening, non-judgmental ear sometimes if for no other reason than to hash things out out loud with someone uninvolved. A lot of times you already know what’s going on but it helps to get it out. You’ll probably understand yourself, your desires, and your needs much more when you can speak them freely and hear the words yourself.
It is strength, not weakness, to seek help in understanding ourselves and what healthy expectations of and communication with others looks like. Please do this to help YOU. You deserve to be heard and acknowledged, and often times therapy can help you figure out how to advocate for yourself and set healthy boundaries as well as know how to process whatever’s going on for you in healthy ways that help build you up instead of reign destruction on your mental health and connection with others.