My parents (60s) were in an accident about a month ago over the holidays. My dad passed away immediately, but my mom was in the hospital mostly unconscious for a few days before she also passed away.
My brother (33M) and I have both been in a lot of emotional pain and it’s been especially hard because we live on opposite coasts and don’t see each other often. He’s been handling our parents’ financial matters (he works in finance professionally) and I’m super grateful that he’s taken so much stress and pressure off of me by handling it all.
The issue is my parents’ house. I don’t know exactly what it’s worth, but it’s $1.5 million according to zillow. My brother bought it for them at the beginning of the pandemic and I’m not sure what exactly their financial arrangement was, but I think my parents were just paying utilities and maintenance and my brother was covering everything else. My brother makes a lot more money than I do, and I haven’t contributed anything to that house at all. As far as I’m concerned, the house is my brother’s after my parents’ passing.
My husband for some reason has the idea that we should be getting half of the value of the house. He says that it doesn’t matter if my brother bought it because it was a gift to my parents and therefore after their death, it should go to both me and my brother equally. He’s bringing this topic up 1-2 times per week for the last month since my mom’s passing and it’s increasingly pissing me off. My responses have ranged from “my parents just died, I don’t want to think about this right now”, to “my brother is taking care of it, he’ll handle it fairly”, and “my brother paid for the house anyway, it’s his and I’m not going to try to take half of it”.
Both my husband and I work corporate desk jobs, and while we get by ok, finances are somewhat tight, and obviously getting a huge financial windfall would help a ton. I get the impression that my husband is resentful of my brother’s profession. In 2021 we gathered at my brother’s house for the holidays and that was my husband’s first time meeting my family in person. He made an offhand comment about how nice it must be to be rich. We all brushed it off at the time, but recently he’s been making snide remarks about how my brother is a hotshot banker who’s taking advantage of me by “stealing” half of my inheritance. My family grew up poor and I’m so proud of my brother for being successful in such a high-stress career. Every time my husband makes this type of snide remark it really sets me off and we get into an argument about the house and other things.
How do I get my husband to stop expecting a huge inheritance? He keeps bringing up the fact that we’re planning to start a family soon and the money would help a ton. I don’t know if I have a legal claim to 50% of the house, and frankly I don’t care. Even if I got half the house, I’d give it right back to my brother since he paid for it. But my husband said that since we’re married, I can’t just make that decision myself because technically half of that inheritance would belong to him too. I don’t know when my husband got so greedy.
I’m not looking for legal or financial advice. I’m trying to figure out how to better communicate with my husband, because at this point I’m starting to rethink my marriage.
Thanks in advance for your advice and help.
31 comments
I’m so sorry to hear about your parents’ passing. How are you doing mentally? It’s easy to get caught up with the whirlwind of things happening around you that you forget to take care of yourself. Take a step back and lean on your support network of friends and family, and it may help to speak to a grief counselor/therapist if you’re not already.
A couple questions: (i) How long have you known your husband? Prior to visiting your brother’s house has he given indications of being jealous of your brother? (ii) Have you spoken to your brother about your parents’ estate? I know your parents passed away recently and you’ve had other things on your mind, but it’s still important to discuss. It’s good that your brother is a finance professional and can largely take care of it, but you shouldn’t be completely in the dark about it either. Especially because your parents probably have additional assets aside from the house. (iii) Has your husband been supportive of you after your parents’ passing? Or do you get the impression he’s more concerned about the inheritance?
I have two pieces of advice so far:
A) DO NOT actively try to have a child with your husband if you’re second-guessing your marriage right now. Having a kid will make things infinitely more complicated. Don’t do it unless you have a solid foundation with the co-parent. I don’t want to prematurely judge your husband without all the facts, but there’s a chance he may use an impending pregnancy to pressure you further to fight for the house.
B) If you haven’t already, talk to your brother about your parent’s estate and the house. If he’s a finance professional, chances are that he may have made some sort of financial contract with your parents when he bought the house. Even if it’s not for estate-planning purposes, having that type of contract would be important for tax reasons, and if your brother is paying the mortgage he’ll need that contract to deduct interest expenses on his taxes without issues from the IRS. This can at the very least answer the legal question of whether you’re entitled to a portion of the house. It will also be important for you to not be completely in the dark about your family’s financial matters.
>Even if I got half the house, I’d give it right back to my brother since he paid for it. But my husband said that since we’re married, I can’t just make that decision myself because technically half of that inheritance would belong to him too.
Nope, not the case. Granted I’m not a lawyer but as far as I know (and everything I can find supports this), any inheritance is *yours and yours alone* unless it becomes marital property by being commingled.
So that’s what I’d tell him. He has *zero* claim to it, you will not be claiming it (if you still feel that way), and he needs to get over his jealousy of your brother’s success. You’re *grieving* for fucks sake and all he’s seeing is dollar signs.
Jesus, he just couldn’t wait to stick his hands in your dead parents’ pockets, could he? He couldn’t even give you time and space to grieve because he was so eager to profit from their deaths. What a disgusting human being.
Also, this:
>my husband said that since we’re married, I can’t just make that decision myself because technically half that inheritance would belong to him too
Is not true in most countries. Inheritance is usually legally considered separate from marital assets. You could collect the money, divorce him, and he wouldn’t be allowed to ask for a cent of it.
Please don’t have a child with this man! He is showing you his true colors. The man doesn’t even care that your parents are gone. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with the loss of your parents and the reality of who your husband really is.
Firstly, OP I am so sorry for the loss of your parents. It’s tough enough to lose one, but to lose both… I can’t imagine your grief.
Secondly… I am beyond angry at your husband on your behalf… you have just suffered a massive loss, and all that he can see is $$$. That’s just… I have no words.
I don’t have any advice on how to better communicate to your husband, because honestly? I don’t think that you should even try. To me, the greed he has shown is a massive red flag here, and is absolutely a deal breaker in a relationship.
A supportive & loving husband would respect your wishes. A supportive & loving husband would be more concerned about your emotional well-being, and I haven’t seen that in your post. It seems like he is more concerned about he can personally profit off the pain & suffering of your family. He feels entitled to a cut, because your brother is doing well financially.
He has already told you that since you are married, your inheritance is also *his* inheritance, and he has just as much a say in what happens as you do. That’s BS.
I am a firm believer that when someone shows you their true colours, you should believe them. When times are tough, that’s when you see someone’s true colours.
I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help. Therapy, to process your grief and to decide what to do about your marriage. And proper legal advice just in case you do decide to end your marriage to make sure that your inheritance is protected from your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband.
I am going to focus on one thing only…your pain. I am deeply sorry for such a massive loss, it’s crushing to have both your parents ripped from your world so abruptly, that is a terrible loss. When faced with such a tragedy the most important thing is to feel loved and supported. We can’t change the path we are on, but those that love us can ease our pain by walking with us.
Your husband is a terrible person to put that pressure on you, how dare he? I would tell your brother everything and I would leave him because he doesn’t care about you, he’s looking for a pay out.
To me, it seems nearly unforgivable that his main concern is not you and how to support you, but how much money you, and by his accounting he, will get.
I am sorry, OP. It seems that you are married to a man who is either a greedy jerk or someone without a scrap of empathy. Maybe he is both of those things.
I am so very sorry about your folks, OP. I am sending you hugs.
So sorry you are going through this. Tell your husband that If and when you get an inheritance that it’s YOURS, I would also put it in an account that is in your name only. Your husband isn’t entitled to a dime of it, and If you want to pay off things to make your life a little easier then that’s on you to do it. He sounds jealous and envious and doesn’t care that your parents are gone, he’s money hungry
Inheritance is not considered a marital asset. It would be yours and yours alone. Whatever money you receive put it in an account in your name only, preferably at a different bank than the one you and your husband use. The fact that he’s trying to profit from the death of your parents is sickening. If your parents had a will, and I hope they did, then their assets are going to be distributed as stipulated by their will and your asshat of a husband can’t do crap about it. You need to put off having kids with this man and seriously rethink why you should stay married to such a greedy, entitled man.
Your husband is not legally entitled to your inheritance. Even if you got half the house, it would be yours alone, and your husband couldn’t touch it. Tell him to look it up. His excessive harassment of you after the loss of your parents is appalling. (I’m sorry for your loss). Your brother should get the house, ethically, he bought it. You’re a good person for seeing that. You may be very right to reevaluate your marriage. Your husband sounds awful.
Ok an estate takes about 6 months to settle anyway. You have to publish to notify creditors, and a whole lot of other things.
I bet your brother is the owner/part owner of the house. You can look up the deed on your treasurers website. It just sounds like your husbands is fixated. He may convince himself that you’re lying to him about inheritance. There may be no reasoning with him about this. I agree that the house is your brothers and not a *gift* to your parents. A *gift* above $15,000 needs a gift tax return. He likely didn’t gift them the house. It’s very likely in his name and he gave your parents a life estate in the house, that they can live there until they die and he owns it after. So there is no money owed to you because of that. It’s just the facts. Maybe have a lawyer explain it to him.
Your husband is acting in a toxic way.
Tell him:
1- He is acting toxic and greedy
2- You just lost your parents and want a supportive husband. Not a toxic person asking about money!
3- Any inheritance is not a marital asset, so even if there is any money involved, you are going to save it for your retirement. He is not going to see one cent. The end!
If your brother bought the house it must be in his name. And if it was bought 2-3 years ago, most of it will be tied up in a mortgage, because I doubt he bought 1.5 million in cash. There’s barely any money to be made there.
You should also realize that you barely know this person. You met him in 2020 and got married soon after, all speed up due to the pandemic. Maybe he was always like this.
You should get time off work and maybe take a week away from him.
I think sadly rethinking it is the best idea, you and he seem to be on completely different pages when it comes to this, and that he does not understand yeah you’re still grieving is jay wild.
He’s going to spend the rest of your life talking about your brother ripping you off , regardless of how little sense it makes. He feels entitled to it and won’t let you rest until he has it.
Your husband doesn’t get the inheritance-you would and it would need to go to your account or trust. He is using you for the money. Your brother is more than likely the executor of their estate and will carry out their wishes on that house and their behalf. Don’t let your husband get into your head and cause a rift between you and your brother.
Oh fuck no.
First off, I’m pretty sure he has no claim or entitlement to any inheritance as a husband. Inheritances are typically off limits. So his point about u not making that decision is moot. And scary. He has NO CLAIM OR RIGHT TO ANY INHERITANCE.
He needs to back the fuck up. Also, the fact that he’s jealous of ur brother and acting all crazy is such a turn off. Smh.
He is being cruel and insensitive. Tell him u don’t wish to talk about that with him. And for him to leave it alone. It’s not his nor his business.
Don’t let him ever get his hands on shit. Honestly. And if u do go through with divorce, make sure anything inheritance related is far from his reach. He’s horrible tho. Sorry for ur loss op
Lastly it’s likely that the house is in ur brothers name tbh. If he didn’t buy it outright, then it’s honestly prob in his name so u def have no claim to it at all. But u really shouldn’t ask for half. At all.
Even if he did gift it to ur parents, I don’t think that gives u a right to take half. u haven’t contributed nor have any attachment to it as a family home or anything.
Tell your husband, even if you inherit anything, he isn’t entitled to a cent. He needs to back off and let you grieve and then you can deal with his greed!!
Yeah if my brother bought the house and paid some of the upkeep its pretty fair he gets the cash
Wow. I’d rethink your entire relationship if I were you. Your parents passed last month and your husband has been circling like a vulture. He’s an AH. Odds are very high your parents house is in your brother’s name. If he decides to sell it and give you half of the equity, don’t give it back. Have your brother put it in a separate account, so your gold digger husband can’t access it. That way should you decide to divorce him, you’ll have enough money to be able to.
Info – have you spoken to your brother about your parents will?
Have you considered moving closer to your brother? He sounds like better family than your husband. Honestly asking twice about the money would be two too many times! Wtaf? But especially after you told him to stop bringing it up. And I’m getting the feeling that your brother could help with lawyer fees and down payment on a house if you need financial assistance.
Your brother probably bought the house so your parents could live well….awesome son. He probably kept it in his name as he bought it. Your husband is a money grubber thinking the world owes him. He would probably steal the toaster if he could
Your husband is being an ass. Your parents have been gone 1 month and he’s counting their money! If your brother bought the house from your parents, presumably they got the money from the sale. The house belongs to him. I assume you will get your share of any other money or assets they had.
Tell your husband that settling an estate takes time, sometimes a year. Don’t let him damage your relationship with your brother.
If you get ANY inheritance, consult with a LAWYER. He will most likely tell you not to co-mingle it with your husbands money. An inheritance belongs to the heir, not the heir’s spouse. That means it is not included in a divorce. (I’m not saying you will or should divorce but none of us knows what the future holds.) Get a separate bank account, in only your name, and do not put your husbands name on the account.
If you deposit money into a joint account, it becomes a marital asset and your husband can get his mitts on it and if you ever divorced, he’d get half of it.
TALK TO A LAWYER.
And he is wrong: you alone are the heir (not jointly with him) and he does not get a say in any of this.
Edit: I was mistaken, the brother did not buy the house from them; he bought it FOR them. And OP’s husband thinks he should get a share?? On what planet!
Tell him the following.
1. Nothing from their estate is yours. You are not getting anything.
2. My brother purchased the house with his own money. It most likely is in his name or he drafted up a common ownership agreement where the property defaults back to him.
3. Even if it was a gift, my brother paid for it. You, husband, are not entitled to my brothers money.
4. The greed, apathy and single concern for money that wasn’t actually my parents is absolutely vile and disgusting. This is not what I expected from my husband when my parents died. How you are acting is completely unacceptable. If you bring this up again, I will go talk to someone about formally separating from you.
5. If you can’t drop it, get out of the house and go stay somewhere. I will be happy to tell all your friends and family how despicably you have been acting.
i’m gonna be honest here…… i would be rethinking my marriage at this point. he sounds like a vile prick, couldn’t even give you the time to grieve. what an ah!
To think that the body of your parents wasn’t even cold and your husband made the money dance. He doesn’t care that you lost both of your parents in sich a tragic way, he just cares about what he can get out of it, oh sorry, you. He was long ago a green-eyed monster called envy who resented your brother for having more money – as if he didn’t work hard for it. And now he is after the house of your parents. And he doesn’t even let you grief. Did he ask you how you feel? How you take the death? If you need help? Or just that he is sorry? Did he do this as often as greedily asking about the inheritence, inheritence that even if you get it would just be yours.
He sound awful without empathy and full of envy and jealousy. I wonder if he has the wrong idea that he has a right to your inheritence and as soon as you have the money, he plans to divorce you. Ask yourself if you really want to spend the next 50 years with such a man and if those values are what you want to teach your children. He will put money about emotions. And wear you down to give in.
He needs to understand that any inheritance you get, is not his. Not even remotely legally. He needs to dial it way back. Perhaps say “any potential inheritance is none of your business and this is the end of it”.
If your brothers a banker, the house will be in his name. It’s his house you could just about bet your life on it.
Tell your husband he needs to stop coveting other people’s money, it’s an ugly look.
Holy shit I’m so sorry OP. I can’t imagine losing my parents like that.
Your husband is a goddamn vulture.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I would give your brother a heads up. The last thing you want is your husband to bypass you and talk to your brother about getting an inheritance and possibly causing an unnecessary ruckus between you and your brother’s relationship.
As for your husband… I would tell him you’re not getting anything. Whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t matter. He shown himself as someone greedy who is hard to trust. He’s pushing hard right now to take advantage of everyone mourning as he’s hoping everyone wouldn’t be able to think as clearly.
Be honest with him about how his behavior is making you rethink about your relationship with him. Your parents just died and rather than supporting you during a time of need he’s been too hyper focus on their wealth, which understandably you feel like you have no stake in. His greedy and cold attitude is really making you rethink about your marriage with him. You don’t want to start a family who’s puts greed above family, which he’s showing you right now.
Your husband is a greedy asshole.
Typically see this from time to time on the female side where women going through a divorce trying to protect themselves want the older husbands assets from prior to marriage. They cannot understand that they have no claim to it. The selfishness is mind boggling.
There is just no logic in it whatsoever. You are right on. You didn’t contribute. Your brother set them up. It’s his house.
I feel sorry for you having to navigate this during your time of grief. It would make me very angry.
Tell him they were upside down and owe more on the house than it’s worth. You guys need to pony up $200k since it’s 1/2 your responsibility. See how much he thinks it’s fair to split then.
In all seriousness, do you really want to be with a person like this? In your time of grief, all he thinks of is money. Plus, what makes him think he’s entitled to any of the inheritance at all?! Even if it you get anything, it will be YOURS to do with it what you want. Really think about this person….