The dating scene is not sustainable.

14 comments

1. While part of this just seems pessimist, I do agree with one tidbit, which is that social media is an absolutely terrible place to come to for relationship advice, especially stuff Ive seen on reddit.

   People are *way* too quick to recommend breaking up over trivial problems, nobody has any idea of the full context of the situation. Its honestly sort of obnoxious

2. This speaks to me so much right now. It may be a bit pessimistic, but I think it’s correct.

   I am looking for a LTR and have found someone that I really adore who is also interested in a LTR (“if it works out”). But it’s hard. I feel like I am having to invest a lot of emotional energy and am wondering if it’s actually working, which leads me to consider calling the whole thing off. Many people probably would.

   But then I consider where I would be if I were to call things off. Right back to where I was several months ago: having occasional dates with semi-interesting people that never lead to anything more, hoping to the next one will be ‘the one’.

   The idea of a harmonious relationship, free of emotional struggle is frankly impossible without the investment of time and energy. So, I honestly think it is worth sticking things out *always a little longer*.

   The trick is in determining when it really is no longer worth it. But as long as no moral values or promises have been broken and there’s still at least some level of attraction, is there really any reason to end things and be flushed right back into the squalor of the dating pool?

3. >Reddit tells you it’s not your job to fix them, leave.

   It’s here where you break the cycle. Looking for a perfect partner is a fools errand

4. > There comes the issue with compatibility that gets uncovered with time. You realised the other party is broken. Reddit tells you it’s not your job to fix them, leave. But aren’t we all… flawed/ a little broken in some ways? The other party who I see as broken may see me as damaged in some ways too.

   The level of flaws is incredibly important to think about. No one is perfect, and everyone has flaws. The trick is to figure out which flaws you find acceptable, and what you’re willing to put up with.

   My current situation is a good example of this, my current partner is a bad texter, that is fine, I can handle that. My previous partner would alternate between yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment if I said “No” to something. I refuse to handle that, or to try and “fix” that.

5. >2) Say you eventually find someone to get into a LTR with. There comes the issue with compatibility that gets uncovered with time

   Hasn’t this always been an issue with dating though?

6. 1. A vast majority of those options are not actually options and you’d never get a response or go out with with them. It’s just the appearance of options.

   2. This is dating. You get together with someone and find out if you are compatible.

7. To your second point, you absolutely cannot use reddit for any real or significant gauge of anything dating-wise. All you can do is respond to what people write here. You don’t know if the person posting is even being honest about the situation they’re asking advice about. Ever notice how people paint their partner in a negative light and almost never point out areas they’ve fallen short when looking for advice? There are great people giving honest advice here, but there are also the toxic, bitter, and dishonest. Never assume reddit is immune to the latter.

   I agree that no one is a finished product. People are quick to point out red flags and tell people to leave. These advices are probably most helpful for extreme cases, but the water gets muddy for most cases, especially considering that you, the “reddit advisor” are only given one side of a three-sided story (the poster’s side, their partner’s side, and the truth).

8. My generation seems to be the very last one before hookup culture exploded. But this metaphor helped me with relationships.

   A relationship is like building and owning your own house. First you build the foundation. When that is strong comes the “bones” of the house. What holds it up and then lastly walls to bring it all together. Once the house is built you don’t stop working on it. When something breaks, you fix it, you don’t throw the whole house away. If one person upkeeps the house more then it will still deteriorate and fall apart but slowly. It needs two people to upkeep it. Some people feel that the house is falling apart to fast but instead of putting in the work, they leave to build another house “start over”

   People today don’t know anything about relationships. The last legit one I had was back in my mid 20s and in now mid 30s because there isn’t anyone of value putting in effort. So I built the house alone including the table and I have a right to ask what someone brings to it lol that’s how I view it.

9. “are we only equipped to date/ deserving of a relationship when we are “whole”?”

   Yes. I know that’s not the easy answer or the answer everybody wants to hear, but yes. You can’t enter into a healthy, nourishing, truly equitable relationship if you’re looking for someone to “fix” the broken parts of you, or vice versa. Both parties need to show up healed–you owe that to each other.

10. What do you mean by the title?

11. It’s bc people have been convinced, and I do think it’s partly by social media, that the experience of dating needs to be as frictionless as possible. But that’s not possible. Nobody’s going to find anything sustainable if the slightest discomfort or friction will be strongly dissuasive of any further engagement. Fuck we just had that thread about ghosting and respect and this is part of that. The slight amount of friction that you experience from feeling kinda bad when you let someone down honestly is enough to make people ghost literally all the time. People will always have bs excuses about why they had to ghost, but only like 10% of ghostings are excusable, 90% are just people wanting to avoid a moment’s discomfort.

12. Guys just wanna fuck. At any age.

13. an incompatibility that leads to a breakup is not the same thing as a minor flaw/“baggage”. incompatibility where you should break up is like, one wants kids and/or marriage and the other doesn’t, one wants to move states and the other doesn’t, etc. i would say most couples try to work through the minor stuff, because most people DON’T want to throw away an otherwise great relationship for something small.

    for example, i have a severe anxiety disorder. it prevents me from doing a lot of social activities my boyfriend and i used to do together. but instead of him being like “oh rats, mental illness, gotta dump her” we work together to find solutions, make compromises on plans, etc so that we are both comfortable and happy. little things come up all the time in relationships. it’s not fair or true to say people don’t try to work through little issues. but sometimes they just can’t be worked through and you need to break up.

14. Do not use apps. Nobody on those apps are confident in themselves.