I need to get this off my chest. This is a bit complicated and I need to get other people’s perspectives on this whole fiasco before I get hurt even more. I (female, 25 years) have a friend (male, 26 years), let’s call him J. We’re very close and have been friends for 1.5 years, I would consider him one of my closest friends and he has told me he thinks likewise for me. He’s seen me at my very worst and he’s one of the first people I turn to for advice when I’m panicking.
You can kind of see where this is going; I’ve been head-over-heels in love with J for over a year now. The problem is that J has made it very clear that he does not want to date close friends as it’s a risk and he would rather not risk the friendship or the potential consequences. I completely respect this and I agree with him; it would be far less dangerous for us to risk the close friendship we have given how close we are and how reliant we have been on one another at different times.
J has also made it clear that he doesn’t want a serious relationship and that he only wants friends-with-benefits relationships or sneaky links with people who he’s not really friends with or with people he’s not going to see again after some time. Again, I respect this as he has made it clear that this is his preference and he’s honest about his priorities. The only thing is that very few people know that J is like this – J keeps this very hidden from our friends (only one of our other close friends and his siblings really know about what’s going on) so nobody suspects him to be like this, and there have been many times where people have commented how J and I would be a perfect couple and that we’re compatible with one another and that at the end of the day, even if “we don’t like each other now, we’ll still end up together at the end”. This crushes me because I know that we’re compatible and that we could be great for each other, and that I’m completely in love with him. It also doesn’t help that J has told me what his type is and I just so happen to fit that exact description. It’s like I have every reason to be with him but it comes at the risk of our friendship.
I once mustered up the courage to tell him I had feelings for him, but I also made it clear that I wasn’t making a move and that I agreed with him that it would be better if we just remained friends because it’s risky. His response was pleasantly surprised and he didn’t reject me per se but he did say “if you were in a different class maybe we could’ve done something but right now it’s too much of a risk”. Whilst we’re still very close friends, J does confide in me about girls that he’s hooked up with, people he’s trying to pursue and how he literally would hook up with anyone if they were reasonably attractive. I’ve always supported him and given him advice whenever he asks for it as I want to be a good friend and I want him to be happy at the end of the day. But at the same time, it kills me even more as I still have feelings for him that he’s fully aware of yet he still chooses to tell me all the details about the girl he last had sex with, or girls he’s hooking up with. I feel so stupid for telling him and despite being told that I am an attractive person (including by J himself) I feel so ugly and gross about myself. At the same time, I don’t want to show my emotions and I still want to give him advice and be a good friend.
I feel terrible for being hurt; I know J is just trying to respect me by maintaining the friendship despite my feelings. If anything, we might’ve gotten closer. But now I’m stuck as I want to move on from him yet I am simply not attracted to anyone else. I’ve been told the best thing is to distance myself from J but it’s hard given how close we are and how he’s been there for me in almost everything.
It’s frustrating; I’m confident he knows how compatible we are with one another given that everyone sees it and comments on it, even people who we’re not too close with. Plus people have made jokes about us being together and how we would be perfect for each other – to our faces – and he has never appeared uncomfortable with it, he simply laughs along with the jokes or jokes back. But then again, this could just be me wanting to believe that to make myself feel better.
Anyway, has anyone been in a similar situation like this and what do I do?
TLDR: I like my friend, he knows this but we’re still close and it’s hard for me to move on. What do I do?
11 comments
That guy ain’t it girl.
I don’t think he thinks about you in that way and cares about how you feel otherwise he wouldn’t talk about doing other girls to you after you confessed your feelings
This isn’t a friendship. This is unrequited love that is bringing you nothing but pain.
Yes, I have been in love with my best friend before. He and I went back and forth with potentially getting together but ultimately he didn’t have the same feelings. When he started dating someone, it was too much and I decided to take space from our friendship. It was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself. I was able to heal from my feelings and move on for real, and eventually we rekindled our friendship and we’ve been close friends for over ten years now.
We now realize that we were totally wrong for each other romantically anyway, but I don’t think I could have gotten to that perspective without taking that distance. Whether or not you two end up being able to have a genuine friendship, right now you need to protect your heart. Tell him you need some time to get over your feelings and then really take it.
I can only imagine how much it must hurt to like someone that much and hear other people basically agreeing with you as to how good you would be together only to not happen. It’s like life teasing you with something you really want. But I think you’re lying to yourself and telling yourself this is a friendship when in reality, this is unrequited love that you don’t want to let go of.
> J has made it very clear that he does not want to date close friends
> J has also made it clear that he doesn’t want a serious relationship
J has spoken. The reason doesn’t really matter and the close friends thing is just an excuse. I know it hurts and it sucks but the fact is that he doesn’t want to date YOU. Maybe you are his type and you two are already close and you could totally see it happening but J doesn’t want this. Immature? Maybe, but it doesn’t really matter. Point is he doesn’t want it
> At the same time, I don’t want to show my emotions and I still want to give him advice and be a good friend.
A friendship is not what you want. This part is extremely clear. You want more than that. You say you keep him close to give him advice and be a good friend, but really it’s because you’re so head-over-heels for this guy that the concept of suffering at his side seems more appealing than not having him at all.
> I know J is just trying to respect me by maintaining the friendship despite my feelings.
Quite frankly, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and (being a guy myself) say maybe it’s not clear to him just how strong your feeling are or that you have feelings at all. Because if he does know, it’s kind of scummy to give you all the details about his sex life with everyone knowing you want a part of that.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to make a choice. You can stay by his side and let it slowly burn away at your sanity as he hooks up with other girls and eventually gets a girlfriend who will not like you being around her man. Or you can sit him down, make your feelings extremely clear and be prepared to walk away from his life if he does not feel the same. Either way, the friendship has run it’s course and it’s time for it to either end or evolve. For the sake of your sanity and your heart.
I’ve been in variations of the same situation and the best thing I can say is to try your best to move on. If it works out in the future it will–but you have to prioritize yourself because he obviously is prioritizing himself first and foremost.
Because you know so many personal details as well, it’ll be difficult for you to shake that off should you ever actually be in a relationship with him. It’s also incredibly shitty he’s even telling you those details to begin with.
You’re important too. If you want to continue being friends with him and truly can’t let that go, then at least put up boundaries. Protect yourself.
Honestly just make a move and tell him what you want. If you never do you’ll always regret it
Based on what you said I think you are not actually compatible at all, because you clearly are way different AND he has no regards for your feelings. Tell him you are ending the friendship because you can’t be around someone who only hurts you emotionally, and walk away. If anyone asks, tell them the truth and say he rejected your feelings 6 months ago and you couldn’t stick around in the end as a result.
Girl just be honest with him. Tell him you like him, and you’d be willing to give it a shot if he is. If not, tell him you need some space so you can move on. This isn’t healthy or kind for you.
Based on what you’ve said it’s possible he is into it but *also* thinks you are the one not wanting to risk the friendship, so won’t make a move.
Your options are say nothing, lose him anyway (because it’s never gonna happen if you don’t tell him), and keep getting hurt. Or B, tell him outright you want to date him, and if he rejects you, move on. There is no other way the cycle of pain will end.
What you do is peace out completely.
I spent nearly 10 years in a situation like this. Don’t make the same mistake my friend. It only harms you.
I had a similar scenario. I met this guy at my local gym, we quickly became good friends, I developed a crush on him. We finally went out on a hike, I made the first move and kissed him, we wound up hooking up. He told me after that that things got way out of hand, he did not mean for things to go that way, we agreed to be friends. However it turned into a weird FWB thing on the side and I continued to crush harder and harder on him. BUT I have to admit we drew a very good boundary between being awesome friends without awkwardness and having sex. In total we were close for 9-10 YEARS. And I was crushing on him all those years. My friends and even my MOM would say we were perfect for each other, we needed to date, but we never did.
We dated other people but would hook up when we were single, (we never dated each other) – I keep thinking this guy must be the one for me as we’re such great friends and also have great chemistry, but one year (thankfully) he decides to move abroad to attend school, so we’re separated but continue to chat over Instagram. He confides in me about his relationships, he even called me one night when his then- gf tried to lock him out of their apartment, he didn’t know what to do. I helped him through that breakup in terms of being someone to talk to. He came home once and we decide to meet up to get lunch and… you guessed it… we hook up again, we both regret it, he says he is too fresh from this relationship, blah blah blah, at this point I’m like, I’m over this back and forth nonsense, I was also starting to realize as I was getting on with my own life while he was abroad – this guy was NOT the one for me, despite what I thought years and years before.
Sorry for the long rant, but reading your post made me flash back to those feelings I had for so long about MY best friend. We obv wound up hooking up and the cycle repeated over and over and over again.. and distance forced us to finally break that cycle and get on with our lives, meet other people, and realize that thank god we didn’t try to actually date. We are way different people.
I think the best thing for you is to, unfortunately, put that distance between you and your friend to allow yourself to focus on yourself and your life. Not necessarily to forget about him, but to take the focus off of him and to see what life brings you. I needed that physical distance in the form of my friend moving across the globe to actually reset myself, as those emotions and the pull is strong to that person and it is so easy to get so caught up in that momentum of THAT person. You will realize in years to come that whatever was meant for you will happen… but focus on your life and put this guy aside for now. Hope this made somewhat sense lol.
(I did wind up meeting the love of my life and it was NOT this guy).
Don’t stick around as friends with someone you’re in love with. That’s always bad news. Just be honest with him that you need some space to get past your feelings for him and to regroup to be better able to meet someone else.
I think homeboy likes the chase to be honest. He probably is attracted and a bit attached but will never see you the way you see him and will never cave to start anything with you. I doubt he would ever actually become friends with benefits with you either. Him openly talking about prior sexual escapades signals that he likes the reaction and (jealous) attention you give to him. I dated somebody like this for five years and it gave me multiple mental issues and it turned out to be an abusive and codependent relationship of tug and pull.
I almost guarantee he will not respond well if you be honest with him in your feelings and ask to go out again. If you stay in the relationship, you only have one choice if you really are too entangled with him, and it is to lose the love for him. To do this you have to top putting him on a pedestal and imagine him doing all of the things normal people do that gross you out.