I (32F) am unhappy with my marriage to my partner (33M) of 9 years.

TLDR: I am not happy with how my marriage has been going, but maybe I haven’t given it enough time to get better. I have spoken to my partner about being unhappy but nothing seems to have changed.

Please excuse any spelling errors or grammar mistakes, English is my native language.

I (F32) and been with my partner (M33) for a total of nine years and we have been married for almost three. We had a long distance relationship after being friends for a year. I didn’t intend to go into a relationship because I was going to go out of state for college. I have a hard time saying no even if I am not fully behind it, so when he asked me out I said yes, he knew that I was going to be gone in a few months and I told him that I didn’t want a relationship, but I didn’t stick to that.

He told me that he loved me while we were in a fast food driveway. I didn’t feel the same way at the time so I kissed him instead of replying. I wish he took the hint that maybe I didn’t want to respond, but he asked if I felt the same way and I didn’t feel comfortable saying that I wasn’t there yet, so I said that I loved him too.

Throughout the relationship I have had moments where I wanted to break up, but something would come up that would make me feel guilty for ending the relationship.

In my second year of college I realized I was getting done with the relationship and he wasn’t quite what I wanted in a partner, when I went home for Christmas I was planning on ending the relationship, not a good time of the year but I didn’t think a video call would be a good way to break up. When I went over to his house to visit I found out that his family made me a family tradition item that every member of the family had, it was made from scratch. I didn’t have it in me to end the relationship, like I said he’s a good guy, we have common interests, I’ll stick it out, I can’t break up after his family added me to their tradition, it didn’t feel good.

When we moved in together he asked me to marry. I wish that he did a better job of getting my attention because I was rummaging through a box when he started to ask. I didn’t catch the beginning part because my back was to him, mid way through his speech he asked for my attention and I caught the end of him asking. My first response was to ask if he was joking because it didn’t seem like the moment or time. But I said yes, it was the next step in our relationship and he gave me a ring that belonged to his grandma, its a pretty ring, but everything was low effort and I was a little disappointed. We had a year long engagement and we signed a marriage license, no ceremony, no family except for the two witnesses. I was having a lot of second thoughts that whole year.

My partner is a big gamer and I am too but he stays up all night to play every night, I asked him to come to bed with me at least one night a week so that we might have a sexy time, but he didn’t. It felt like every time I would talk to him he would only half list because he wouldn’t stop his game or tell me that he needed a moment, I play games I understand not all can be paused. Because he was only half listening while he played his game, he would get upset when something bad happened because he was trying to split his attention. It got to the point that I got a journal so that it felt like someone was listening.

Before signing the license I started to have serious doubts and was crying a lot at night because I was lonely, and lacking affection. But I thought I should stick through it, sunk cost fallacy.

We have never had a ceremony just signed the license.

We rarely have sex. I used to ask but he wouldn’t be into it and it would lead to lousy sex so I stopped, I didn’t want half hearted sex, I didn’t want to force him. I am no longer interested in having sex, but I will give it effort because I could get in to it, it wouldn’t be spectacular but it would be intimacy.

I was so sad last year, I would have breakdown almost weekly. I started journaling more to process what I was feeling and such and 4 months ago I realized that I wasn’t happy with my marriage, I felt so good after that realization. I told him that I’m not happy with our marriage, I gave my reasoning and said what I need for the relationship. A few days later he says that he feels like we were swimming together but when he looked back I wasn’t kicking. I told him I was still working on the relationship and I even had moments that reminded him that I did. I told him that I hadn’t stopped kicking.

The other day when we were doing chores he brought up, in an attempted funny joke way, that “couples tend to get divorce in their third year of marriage because they got to know what it is like to live with the other person and this is my chance to get out,” and he tried to get google to say the statistics of when people get divorce but it didn’t work and I really didn’t want to find out and I told that to him.

A bit later we were being silly and he did two moves that I didn’t like, nothing bad just not the vibe of being silly. After some time I brought up that I didn’t like those two moments and told him something that’s similar but what I would like instead. He seemed agreeable but quiet. I wanted to be cheeky and said that he could practice.

He took this as I was making light of the situation because it was a serious matter.

I didn’t intend for it to be serious because I was sharing my preferences which is why I was cheeky.

He got upset and we stopped having a conversation.

Later he comes back to the conversation and says that he was upset that he caused me to feel discomfort, it took a bit but we got to the point where we concluded that he was responding at a level higher than the discomfort caused.

We went on to talk about how he feels that I don’t acknowledge his feelings, but when he explained his feelings I acknowledged how he felt why it caused him to be upset by it and how I should be mindful of how a comment like the one I said could be taken poorly and I’ll not make comments similar in the future. He then goes on to ask if I could see it through his perspective and see how it could cause him to be upset and I said the same thing again, and now he’s fine.

It feels like he takes things I bring up, that I have a preference about, as a jab to his character. He interprets what I say as a negative thing, but when I ask him what I have done to make him think that, he says that it is not me but social ideas and beliefs. .

I’m trying to find ways to make our relationship more comfortable but it feels he isn’t interested in trying to do anything.

It feels like when I bring up something that I have an issue with, that causes me discomfort or something, it becomes something that is about how it upsets him.

I know that he’s insecure with our relationship but I have never given him a reason for him to be insecure, I’ve asked and he couldn’t say what I did for him to feel this way. But I can’t change how he feels, or what he wants to put into the relationship.

I have been working on my depression and I have started schooling to work on myself and put myself in a better financial position. He doesn’t like his job, he gets clients that just suck and his mood sucks when he has these clients. When this happens all we will talk about that days annoyance that he had. He works from home and is able to get his work finished quickly so he is able to play a lot of video games during the day. I think that this is why he doesn’t want a different job. I’ve told him that he needs to get a different job because he is not happy and my brother even told him what certificates he could get that would get him a better job, but he doesn’t seem to want to make any changes. I feel like such a nag because I keep asking if there are any webinars coming up, and he says that he hasn’t looked. He likes playing a card game and he can meet up with people to play and he enjoys playing but its after work and is a bit of a drive. I try and encourage him to go so that he can be social doing something that he likes and it will get him out of the apartment which isn’t something he does often.

We don’t go do anything together and I feel guilty anything I go do something with a friend and hes just at home. So I don’t go out much, I don’t like the guilt feeling, and depression, that keeps me at home too.

I don’t feel like we are compatible and I am thinking that maybe I should get divorced, he even told me this is my last chance because the odds of divorce goes down the longer the marriage.

I’m concerned about what would happen. He doesn’t make enough to rent by himself, we moved to a different state so his family and friends are not out here, we have a dog together and a car loan. I am concerned about what would happen to him.

I’m not sure if I should give us more time and try to continue because he could get better, he offered his hand to hold the other day, this doesn’t happen often. But is this the sunk cost fallacy?

I just want an outsider’s opinion, I’ve never been in this situation before and it’s overwhelming.