I come from a middle class family that had enough growing up, but never anything crazy. My partner’s family is wealthy and has helped him pay for things all his life. He has worked since he was in high school, but he worked for his family’s company and I’m pretty sure he got paid way more than what he would have doing the same job for a different company.
The issue I’m having is that he complains about money and how much he has, but I’ve literally seen what he has and it’s more than I have seen in my life. Like at least $60K more than I’ve ever had in my checking and savings at once. (And he literally just bought a car and has zero payments because he could pay it all up front!!) We both have full-time jobs, and he does work incredibly hard at what he does. But I was unemployed for a while this past year while still having to pay my rent and all other expenses because I lived on my own at the time and my family wasn’t in a place to help me. Because of that, I had to dip into my savings way more than I had ever planned. I have a new job now, but I make a lot less than what I did (I’m in a new location and the COL is much lower so it’s not ideal, but not the worst). I am just now making it back to a point where I feel somewhat secure in my finances. But hearing him “worry” about money is driving me crazy. He’ll say things like “oh man, I really need to watch my spending” and then continue to buy all the things he wants. Or “I don’t know how we’ll pay for the vacation we want to take if we keep going out” when I just want to do fun things with him sometimes like go to a nice dinner.
I have spoken to him about this, but l’m sure I haven’t always said it in the nicest way because it aggravates me. I often remind him how little he’s had to pay for things because of his parents paying for stuff for him. He takes it as a joke, but it’s like he really doesn’t see his privilege. I have never been as bad off financially as others, but I was still stressed about money for quite a while (and still kind of am). I know part of me is just jealous, but it also just feels shitty when he does this. I feel like I should add that other than this thing getting under my skin, he has always been so wonderful about literally everything else. This just feels like something that will continue to fester. Is there a better way to address this with him?
TL;DR – Partner has plenty of money, but acts like he’s broke even though it makes me (someone with much less) feel like crap. Have tried talking to him about it, but it hasn’t changed.
ETA we split the cost of all the things we do together, or do a “you got it this time, I’ll get it next time” type deal. This is not me wanting him to pay for everything!
4 comments
Okay. I come from a family like his. It’s all relative. What he sees as a healthy savings account is probably very different than what you see. But. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken like that because it really does show a stunning lack of judgment and honestly, basic good manners. I think it’s fair to talk about. He’s saying things that are exhibiting a real lack of self awareness. He’s 28 years old. He must know that most people have car payments and that he’s been incredibly fortunate. I’m a bit flabbergasted (who uses that word) that he’s behaving so callously. It’s rude and incredibly entitled. Talk about it. I would.
Sounds like you need to address this more calmly and more directly i.e. “It hurts me when you complain about money bc I’ve really struggled this past year. It feels invalidating bc we both know that you’re financially stable. Please stop making comments referring to how broke you are.”
and then go from there. He may not be able to understand your position firsthand but if he’s told very clearly how much that kind of talk hurts you and still chooses to do it, then its not about him understand financially, its about him not caring about your feelings.
What are your salaries?
He’s not being very sensitive that your finances are much slimmer than his, so he just blathers on about having to watch his spending.
But you’re keen to resent him for having a lot more than you, or you at least feel uneasy about it. Try to see him as an independent person who just like you, is having to learn the lessons of spending within his means.
Since other things in the relationship are going well, don’t let this difference drag you down.