My boyfriend and I are struggling with our sex life. He rarely initiates sex and can go 3 weeks to a month without even mentioning it. I get fed up/frustrated and it causes arguments because I want to be having sex at least once a week, if not more. It makes me feel like he is not into me when he avoids sex. It was driving me crazy wondering why our sex life is so weird.. snooped his phone (wrong I know) and found he looks up NSFW Reddit nudes, and tons of porn. In fact when we were on vacation together is Hawaii, I found he was looking at nude girls on Instagram instead of sleeping with me. I ask him all the time to just be upfront. I asked if he has a porn addiction and he says he doesn’t. I ask if he’s not attracted to me and he says that’s not true. (I haven’t gained weight, or changed my appearance drastically) I asked if he’s gay. He says no. I’ve bawled my eyes out telling him how I feel, threatens to move out, and every-time he gets very upset and begs me to stay. There are tons of men who show sexual interest in me but it’s like begging my own boyfriend to please just do it. So please tell me men… why would a man continue to look at nudes of other girls while ignoring his gf sexually??? I don’t look much different from the girls he’s even looking at.
37 comments
Men like that usually don’t change. Dump him before it ruins your self-esteem 🙁
I think it’s a personal problem with him, maybe he can’t function and can only cum when he’s touching himself? I think you should move on, he isn’t satisfying your needs and I agree that sex isnt necessarily a big part of the relationship for some people but I do believe it can mess with your confidence and I can tell you’re questioning yourself more than you should be
Porn is simple, women can be very complicated and there can be a lot of expectations for a man when he has sex with a real woman. Porn is sex where you decide 100% yourself and can allow yourself to have an ejaculation in 1 minute if that’s what you need. So without knowing you, one piece of advice might be to make less demands and be more simple.

Gonna need a bit more context here.
Ages? Length of relationship??
To answer the part of your question of “why would a guy use porn in a relationship”, cos it’s easier. Sex puts expectations on us that women don’t really seem to appreciate (that probably goes both ways, though). We spend 90% of it trying not to cum, we have to do foreplay we’re not always into to make sure she’s ready, etc etc, first-world problems. It’s not a big deal, but sometimes we just want to get off, and going solo gives us what we want at that point in time, stress relief, distraction, alone time, whatever. There’s other reasons and points to be made, but that’s the core of it.
As for why your BF isn’t meeting your needs and doesn’t seem to care about that fact, sorry, that’s a him problem, and one you’re unlikely to resolve if threatening to leave hasn’t done it already.
Dopamine. He doesn’t respond to the dopamine from sex like he does porn.
It’s not your fault. And he’s not a bad person, he’s just misguided. He needs help the same way an alcoholic or gambling addict does.
Porn is not also highly rewarding in terms of dopamine release, but its also an instant hit from an infinite resource. Imagine the gambling addict who wins everytime he plays. He’d never leave the casino, would he?
It takes time to heal but porn abstinence is the way forward.
I’m battling through it myself
As a man, I would watch porn and masturbate instead of having sex with my wife, if I’m stressed and need a quick relief. I would do this because I wouldn’t be in the right state of mind to connect with my wife for her to enjoy sex, and as a man who respects my wife, I don’t want to use her as my sextoy for a single sided pleasure. Therefore, masturbation to porn allows me to get that relief without the feeling of quilt. Although it seems that this is wrong too in the minds of many. This is my answer to your question.
Well, first off saying “Have sex with me or I’m leaving” is using sex as a weapon and that is not sexy.
Watching porn is an attractive outlet when sex seems like work. I can watch what I want. Take as much time as I want. And satisfy my need the way that I want.
Do you put in effort into seducing him or do you just demand sex? Men actually like to be seduced too you know? If he isn’t having sex with you it is because he doesn’t think you are sexy or he thinks it is a chore.
Not to be rude, but this is probably why. It isn’t your looks, it might be your attitude.
Probably chronic porn usage from an early age. Fucks up your dopamine response when it comes to sex stuff. It’s not you, at all.
Also, jacking off is way easier than actually having sex with someone, where you have to make sure to consider their feelings, their pleasure, trying not to cum too quick etc.
I know this probably takes hugee chunks off your self-esteem but the problem lies with him.
Depression
How about these guys are just too damn lazy and self centered to worry about pleasing a girlfriend. Its just so much easier to jerk off to pornography than to invest your time and effort into a relationship.
Everyone is making reasonable comments but i still think its completely reasonable to break up with him over this. Sure, it may not be his fault and his not a bad person for being addicted to porn, but it isnt your fault either and theres plenty of men eager to have sex and dont find it a “chore” like some people are saying.
Sept 1st I bought a house with my ex bf of 3 years. Sept 27th I found out he had been buying OF content our entire relationship, which I made clear was a very strict dealbreaker for me. His porn addiction was so severe he would jerk off at work, or watch stuff while he was pooping. His Google history looked like this: “RuneScape walkthrough,” “big tit blonde boobs,” “why does my poop float?”
I broke up with him ASAP and we have been trying to work through it. It is not just the porn that broke us up. It’s the lying, manipulating, and general disrespect that he showed me through our relationship. We didn’t have a sex life for 10 months before I found out. He asked me not to masturbate either to try and fix it. I didn’t masturbate for that man for 10 fucking months. Little did I know he was choking it every fucking night in bed beside me. He never cared those 10 months I was crying and begging him to talk to me.
Leave. Seriously. A porn addict cannot get better.
i could have written this. well. my boyfriend was manipulating, a liar and thief, and loved meth.
and i swear he would make masturbation porn videos in the basement rather than involve me in any fantasy
I guess the more important question I have is ‘Do you initiate sex on your own or did you subconsciously put that task 100% on him?’
If you often try to initiate and he turns you down, that’s a different topic for sure. Now that both of you are in the frustration and argument phase, sex is going to probably be the LAST thing on his or your mind until the tension goes down.
A lot of things can get repetitive or “boring” when you’ve been together for a while but there’s no shortage of adjustments that can be made to keep the excitement up.
Really sorry you are going through this. I have also struggled with a partner that I believe cares for me but does not wish to discuss our sex life or how we feel about what is happening. The frequency has never increased over time regardless of all the books I read or attempts to feel desired by him. If you are early enough in your relationship and can afford it, a counselor could help you navigate this with less likely hood of damaging one another. After repeated attempts I stopped requesting or attempting to initiate, only occasionally suggesting that maybe sometime in the week if he were interested. In hindsight I can see how this has negatively affected me. A true relationship requires that both partners care about the well being of the other and working toward a solution.
I can think of 3 main categories of reasons personally :
1. Constant rejection and lack of enthusiasm. If trying to have sex feels like I’m forcing on her that she doesn’t want, yeah, I’ll go back to porn.
2. If sex becomes a negative or stressful experience rather than something fun. For example, if performance anxiety issues are there and gf gets visibly upset or frustrated, adding to anxiety levels and crushing self confidence.
3. Bad timing, gf already asleep, ill or visibly not in the mood, sometimes it’s just easier to rub one out and move on to something else.
Do you initiate and he shuts you down, or are you waiting around for him to “rarely initiate”?
Last relationship I was in ended for similar reasons. When I initiated I would get shut down half the time (“tired”, “not in the mood” etc.), so I just quit initiating and waited for her to do it, since I was down for sex 90% of the time she initiated. Apparently this was the wrong move, and she left me because she “didn’t feel wanted”. *shrug*
As far as the porn goes, many guys watch porn. Masturbating is a quick and easy orgasm, while having sex with a GF/partner is an exhausting athletic endeavor that often has many emotional and relationship components attached to. It’s as simple as that, and usually has little to nothing to do with the woman/partner. Ones quick and easy, ones… not.
Are you ever “on top” or taking the lead/doing all the work in sex? I mean, who wouldn’t want to have sex all the time if my partner did all the heavy lifting and I just had to lay back and get fucked?
That’s crazy you’re still with a man who continually looks at nudes of other women. Like your sat there crying and begging this man to respect you. You deserve so much better
You can’t force someone to stop watching porn nor can you force them to have sex with you. Time to up your standards, beyond me why so many women are okay dating coomers. Like that much consumption is without a doubt affecting how he views women
Porn is so very tempting when it’s a longtime habit. Each person’s individual version of the porn habit is going to be different and vary in terms of harmfulness, and it’s not that porn is inherently bad imo, it’s just that it really needs to be managed if you have a problem with it. It sounds like he does. He’s not having sex with you as much because porn requires so much less of him and is often even more stimulating than the real thing. It’s like eating some candy instead of cooking a meal. Nothing wrong with candy in moderation, but right now he’s at a 5 star restaurant just picking at his food and sneaking off to bathroom to eat candy, so the habit needs some work.
I’m a women, but As some who had a porn addiction. It fricks up your brain when you have done it for so long. To the point where you can’t get off unless you watch or think of porn…
No, I always prefer having sex with my wife then look up porn. Sounds like chronic porn addiction to me and needs to be addressed, otherwise leave. Ask him “do I need to find a man that will fuck me?”
just dump him omg why you tolerate this?
i keep thinking about splitting up with my bf then i read these horror stories and count my blessings, yikes
My ex was exactly the same. I stuck for around a year with him in this situation and it made me completely miserable. We wouldn’t have sex but he would tell me he loved me and he was happy with me. I was so confident in myself at the beginning but by the end of the relationship I had zero confidence.
He would tell me he was depressed. Although I did not see any signs at all, I tried to help him through it, I suggested he gets help, nothing. The fact that he used to watch all the porn confused and made me feel even worse about myself.
I understand why men watch porn, it is easier, less stressful and less work, but if you’re in a relationship it is absolutely not normal you don’t want to please your partner. Sex shouldn’t be work it should be fun and a way to connect with that special person.
I wish I got out of that relationship earlier. If there is an issue and he is not trying to fix it to make himself and yourself happy then to me it is not worth it. You deserve to be happy.
Get out while you can. I was with a porn addict for 6 years and it never got better, he just got better at hiding it. It destroyed my self esteem. In my case, the porn wasn’t doing what it used to and he had sexual relationships online with other women. He told me he would change and we would have a normal sex life but it never happened. I spent all my time and energy monitoring his internet usage until I couldn’t anymore. Im now in a happy relationship with someone who loves me and is very passionate in the bedroom. It was never me after all. Don’t settle.
Hey girl. This post “triggered” me pretty bad. I wish I had energy to translate those feelings into words for you. Unfortunately there are none left as those have all been depleted trying to get through to my ex for the same reasons.
All I want to really say- and I hope it means something to you- is that this man does very much have a porn addiction and it is something he will not ever change. Firstly he wont even give you the decency to admit it. It’s either that or he doesn’t have enough empathy or self-reflection to have a care in the world about it. This is his way, his crem dela crem, his night cap. Even if you give him that mind blowing sex five times a day.. the last little bit of relief will come from porn. He can deny it, promise to change it, and still- it will continue. The consequence of that on a woman’s confidence is truly crushing.
Porn is notoriously known for one of the hardest addictions to break. I wish I could go back to stage where we were three years into our relationship and shake that girl and tell her to go. Since I can’t do that, maybe there’s a chance this’ll resonate enough with you to leave. An engagement or marriage will not ever change this. It changes you completely.
Go where you are wanted. ♥️
It sounds like you’ve expressed how this affects you and he’s made no efforts to change. That’s the issue here.
He is either an addict who denies his addiction, or he is actively choosing low effort masturbation rather than connection with his girlfriend.
Either way, your relationship isn’t as important to him as it is to you.
You might want to check out r/ HLcommunity – which is High Libido Community for people in a relationship where the other person is not participating in sex.
I don’t think you have a High Libido actually you sound normal, but your experience is similar in that your boyfriend’s choices have created a dead bedroom situation. There are women in that subreddit who are navigating relationships where the man is withholding sex and intimacy, similar to what you are experiencing.
Dead bedrooms can have devastating effects on our self-esteem and overall mental health.
As predicted, the men in the comments are blaming it on your looks, you being “demanding”, and so on. This sub isn’t a good place to talk about bad sides of porn. Leave, people like this don’t change. I’ve been in this situation. There are plenty of lovely men who won’t prefer pixels over sex with an actual woman.
Because porn creates a fake reality of what sex should be. You’re constantly getting dopamine hits based on that fake reality. Porn is a dangerous thing, and can break relationships when you’re constantly consuming it. I had a similar problem. I gave up porn cold turkey, and my relationship and sex life became a lot healthier and happier.
TL;DR
Porn is fake, causes fake illusions of sex and can ultimately cost you your relationship if abused.
As a man, I wouldn’t choose porn over my girlfriend. I’d still watch porn of course, but not at the expense of fucking my girlfriend and having a healthy sex life. If I did choose porn that much, it means there’s something fundamentally wrong with the relationship and it’s something I’d want to bring up with my partner.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s time for some self-reflection if this is how you want to be treated in a relationship. I really think there is someone out there who will make you feel like the hottest person ever. I know it’s hard to realize that you need to leave an unhappy relationship because I’ve been there.
I dated a guy like this for a year. It’s 100% a porn addiction, and it is going to take a lot of time, effort, and commitment on HIS end to work through it. It’s not your fault at all, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to improve the situation. He has to wake up one day and decide that he wants to change, and is willing to do the work, and quite frankly your post tells me he is not there.
What I learned from my situation was that no amount of hard conversations, tears, or beatings to my self-esteem and feelings of loneliness did anything to change him because the fundamental issue was that he was unwilling to acknowledge that his porn habits had a negative impact on our sex life, and was therefore unwilling to even entertain the idea of change. (I literally had a time where I went to him crying asking why he never wanted to have sex with me, he refused to speak to me about it, I left the room, and when I went back in a few minutes later he was sitting on my couch at my house jacking off to porn. I was so hurt and couldn’t understand how someone could do that just moments after seeing how upset their partner was.) Sadly you cannot force someone to change, they have to be willing to embark on that endeavor on their own. Your post brings back my own feelings of sadness, and I hate to be the girl on Reddit who tells you to break up with him, but I would advise you end this relationship. It is not going to get better any time soon, especially since he is unwilling to even see his behavior as negatively impactful to you. Maybe he will find another partner in the future who is comfortable with that level of sex and doesn’t mind how much he engages in porn. Or maybe losing you will cause him to re-evaluate the role of porn in his life. Either way, your needs are not being met now.
Life is too short to have an unfulfilling sex life, especially when you are young!
I look back and wish I had ended my relationship wayyy before I did, but I felt like I deserved it and that it was my fault for not being understanding enough. I am now in a relationship with an amazing sex life, and a partner who regularly jokes “why would I watch porn when I can just fuck my beautiful wife?” We have sex all the time, and he is attentive to my needs (emotionally and sexually). I wish I could go back and tell younger me that what I needed existed out there, that not all guys watch a ton of porn, and I just needed the confidence to end what wasn’t working, and go find something that would.
Best of luck to you, OP. No matter what you do, please know that none of this is a reflection of you, or your worth.
This may sound very harsh, but its not the dopamine or being “addicted to porn” that everyone is saying…
He’s simply not Into you. Here’s a quote that pretty much sums it up:
“The more we know someone, the less we might automatically desire them. Domesticity feeds boredom and predictability kills desire, for desire is often inspired by the unknown and by what we cannot have.’
He probably gets very sexually excited by other woman, simply because he hasn’t ever had sex with them.
Trust me, it won’t get better. And it’s obviously upsetting you, so there is only one option!
R/loveafterporn[reddit.com/r/loveafterporn](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn)
Leave! Life’s too short! Find someone with the same sexual energy that you have.
My ex husband would tell me that sex with me was a chore, and that it was just easier to rub one out than to put the effort into me.
But then he’d get super upset when he caught me touching myself, as if I was wrong for having needs.
Hence why he’s an ex husband. Males these days just aren’t it.
Performance pressure.