Is it socially acceptable to have kids and mortgage together before the marriage?

32 comments

1. My parents did, and this was in the late 70s.

2. I mean…you’re not going to be attacked but some will quietly question your judgment.

3. Acceptable? Sure. Is it generally a good idea? Probably not so much.

4. It’s not not socially acceptable. People nowadays don’t really care what others do with their lives if it isn’t negatively affecting their children and those around you. If that works for you, great. Do what’s best for your situation.

   Also, not that marriage is that big of a deal. Get married in whatever order works for you, not what some people in society deem is the “correct” way to do it.

5. I think it depends on what part of the country you’re in. Nobody would bat an eye at an unmarried couple who cohabit and raise kids in the city where I live, but your experience would probably be different in a rural bible belt town.

6. A lot of it just depends on the circumstances.

   A teen having a child out of wedlock with a guy she went out with once is pretty different from 30-somethings who have been together for over a decade having a child together out of wedlock.

   The latter couple should definitely get married though. It’s not just a piece of paper.

7. I think a large percentage of kids are born out of wedlock. You can Google the percentage.

8. I’ve known a few couples who’ve done this and haven’t faced any social backlash.

   I don’t think it’s a good idea, though. Things can turn into a real mess if a couple in such a relationship splits the sheets. Both partners will be fully on the hook for the mortgage, regardless of whether the other holds up their end of the payments. Dealing with the kids will be more legally challenging in the event of a breakup or the death of one partner. Finally, why would a woman want to have kids with someone who’s not willing to make an officially-recognized life-long commitment?

9. In my social circle, it’s not so much that it’s morally unacceptable as that it’s considered poor judgement. I don’t think I know anyone with kids who is with that partner and hasn’t married. Mortgages are I’m less sure about.

   Marriage gives you access to a lot of legal options in the event of something really bad happening, whether that’s a breakup, someone being hospitalized, or one person dying.

   If you’re married, you’re your spouses next of kin. If you’re an unmarried couple, you better have a will and documents proving that your significant other is the one two make medical decisions if you can’t.

   If you’re married and break up after 10 years, it’s called a divorce and the legal system will help you get through it somewhat equitably. If you’re not married, you have to fight it out alone. Whoever was earning more (usually the man) gets the majority and the person who took a serious career and income hit to be the primary caretaker of the kids (usually the woman) gets whatever he decides to give her.

10. I did. My elderly parents were divorced before and thought living together was a smart move. They never got a chance to figure out if they were compatible…and it showed.

    It’s very socially acceptable her in Massachusetts.

11. Socially yes. Financially no.

12. Yeah. This isn’t the 1950s.

13. It’s very common

14. Why are we caught up with what society thinks about us?

    First rule as an American. Give zero Fs

15. My sister has done that (well no kids but they don’t want any)

16. It’s uncommon. Some would just be surprised but not mind, some wouldn’t care at all and some would be scandalized a bit. The likelihood of anyone actually doing something or saying something to your face is quite low in most of the country.

    The most likely people to object would be like…conservative grandma or something, not strangers or acquaintances that could generate generalized social backlash.

17. We got mortgaged first. We were getting to marriage but hurried it up when we got pregnant.

18. In general across most US cultures, yes it’s totally acceptable. There are certain regional, ethnic, or religious communities where it’s more taboo.

    But, that’s also the nature of TV, conflict makes a great story.

19. Acceptable yea. Good idea? Maybe not? It depends on a ton of factors.

20. Yes, absolutely. I don’t think I know anyone who didn’t cohabitate before marriage, and the vast majority of my friends did so in houses they owned together.

21. Probably depends where you live and what your circumstances are (family, religion, etc).

22. I think it’s socially acceptable but if you’re willing to financially and genetically bind yourself to someone, why not get married? Most people will go around asking themselves why you’re choosing not to.

23. Kids? Yes.

    A mortgage? I wouldn’t suggest it.

24. Sure. The churchies won’t like it but they don’t like anything.

25. Those born in the 80’s and younger, the answer is increasingly yes. Though it does change the problems couples have rather than makes more of it.

26. Completely depends on where in the US you are. In some parts, it’s not at all accepted. In others, nobody says anything but cuts you out or at least talks a lot about you. Then you go all the way to people not caring about either at all.

    In some places, having children is more acceptable than owning property together before marriage. In others, it’s the opposite.

27. Got a friend from highschool. Her and her partner aren’t married, have a little boy and a house. No judgements on my end

28. It makes things a lot more complicated legally. Married couples can have what’s called “Joint Tenancy In The Entirety”, which is just a fancy way of saying both parties in the marriage own 100% of the home. Simultaneously: there are two people who both own 100%.

    But that’s usually not allowed unless you’re married.

    As for “socially acceptable?” I don’t think anyone here gives much of a damn.

29. I mean it is, but it’s not a great idea. Not for any religious reason, but marriage gives certain legal protections. If you’re not willing to marry someone you probably shouldn’t own property or have kids with them either.

30. I don’t think anyone cares except for maybe the bank or an attorney.

31. Twenty or thirty years ago it might raise an eyebrow. Now, no, it’s not all that uncommon.

32. It depends on age, family, religion, and several other factors as to whether it’s seen as “acceptable”.