Hello,
Short summary, I am 27M, residing in NL and meet women via dating apps. I have had a few flings/FWB situations but they never turned into relationships, if I even got that far. Most of the time it just ends after 1 date.
Just yesterday, a girl I went on 3 dates with just friendzoned me. This is something I unfortunately get quite often, it is usually worded in the sense of ‘you’re a great guy but I didn’t/don’t feel a deep/romantic connection’.
I often see this as them not giving me a proper chance, as some girls, like the one I mentioned at the start, have sometimes told me they prefer taking it slow. But maybe it’s something about **me** that vibes too much as a ‘good friend/great guy’. I want to know if there’s anything I can do to improve on that during dates. I try to do things like subtle touches on the shoulder, or telling them they look great. I try to not keep the convos one-sided and ask them what they are looking for in their dating life, to name a few examples. But I can often not take that next step to becoming romantically involved with each other.
Sometimes two people just don’t vibe, which is understandable. But after quite some dates this is a returning pattern for me, and I’m frankly getting a bit tired of it. So that’s what I’m here for, hoping I can get some insights into what I can do to be better at this dating thing and give off less of this ‘good friend’ vibe, if that is even possible.
Sorry, didn’t mean it to be this long of a story, and this might be a dumb question, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on this either way.
TL;DR: I sometimes think I might vibe too much as a good friend instead of a love interest to many of my dates, need to know if there’s anything I can do about that.
7 comments
Love is quite rare buddy, keep at it.
You’re not doing anything wrong, this is what it is like to date in the modern age. Lots of things will not work out until they do. Just keep trying.
Not feeling a connection is just a polite way of saying not interested. It doesn’t mean they necessarily got friend vibes from you – they’re just not attracted.
What is NL?
You need to improve your game then, you are attractive enough to land the dates but not enough to keep them around.
So it will take a lot of self reflecting to figure out what you are not doing right and correcting it.
Sometimes it is just the nice way of ending it, especially if the reason isn’t personal or something they did wrong. For example, if I didn’t like that the guy wasn’t ambitious or had different political views and I couldn’t reconcile it over those dates….I’d say it was a friend vibe bc he was perfectly nice but not a romantic match *for me*. Doesn’t mean you are not romantic.
A woman will like you depending on how you make her feel. There needs to be enough emotional fluidity when you’re with her, otherwise, if the interaction is too linear, it won’t spark that attraction.
If the majority of the time it’s ending after the first date, this could be due to the following:
**Outcome dependence:**
If you’re trying too hard and feel an excessive emotional need for the date to go well then you’re going to be outcome dependent. When this happens, you’ll give off needy and desperate energy and often say things to try to impress instead of expressing yourself naturally.
Women will detect this through your behaviour and can be off putting for them.
*Solution:* Spend some time reminding yourself that any one particular date is not that important and that there are countless amounts of women out there for you to meet.
Also, remind yourself of your best personal qualities and achievements. This should take the needy edge off the way you come across. It should also help to boost your confidence so that you will believe that the girl is just as lucky as you are that you have met each other. It will also help let you feel like you’re on the same level as her.
With this, you’ll be working on improving yourself and being successful.
If you really think about it, it makes no sense for you to be in need of a woman you have only just met.
**Overly logical and one-way conversations:**
Many guys get stuck in an interview type conversation by asking a lot of boring questions when they go on dates.
This sets a foundation for a more serious and logical interaction, rather than a spontaneous and humorous one. It also doesn’t help you or your date to feel comfortable, as this kind of conversation can dry up quickly and cause you to run out of things to say, which can pave the way for those dreaded awkward silences that women avoid like the plague.
Women respond to how you make them feel, not what you make them think and so all the ‘impressive’ conversational topics in the world won’t work in your favour unless you know how to make light-hearted and fun conversation. Pay more attention to the tone, passion and delivery of what you say rather than trying to come up with highly intelligent and ‘self-proving’ comments.
This is a date after all, not a job interview.
It’s important to understand that women respond on an emotional level and so having a conversation where you say all the ‘right things’ may not move her or appeal to her in the way that makes logical sense to you.
Another mistake guys make is to talk about themselves too much and change subjects as soon as the woman has finished sharing her part of the conversation. This creates an impression to the woman that the man is both not paying attention to what she’s saying and is also not interested in her view on the matter.
Obviously, this is not the impression we her to have if we want to build rapport and connection with her. Part of feeling comfortable with someone is feeling valued and appreciated.
*Solution:* Try to be passionate about just simply listening to the woman rather than waiting for your turn to speak. This will make her feel like you are valuing her company and enjoying what she says.
**Lack of sexual chemistry**
This is when a woman will say ‘she just didn’t feel it’
Some of this will have been because the conversation wasn’t stimulating enough i.e. you didn’t make her laugh enough, didn’t talk about her passions enough, and generally didn’t connect with her at a deep enough level.
The main reason, however, will have been down to a lack of sexual chemistry. Simply put, she didn’t feel sexually excited by you.
This will usually be because your communication with her was more likened to a friend than that of a man she would consider as a potential sexual partner.
Women are inundated with men offering to take them out on dates, treat them like a special prize and have a ‘nice’ conversation with them. These are the kind of men women avoid as the overly friendly gestures are read as weakness and neediness…
She can have a nice and much more personalised conversation with her friends and family so why would she want to do that with a guy that she has only just met?
It’s the sexual undertone, the flirtatious vibe and the intimacy in the interaction that will dictate how much she enjoys your company. She came to indulge in a man-to-woman chemistry, to feel the excitement, to flirt and to be around someone that allows and encourages her to express that sexual nature that she has to restrict and inhibit in her usual work/family life.
It’s important to note that sexual chemistry is more of energy felt between a man and woman rather than an outward display, and it often occurs on a subtle and subconscious level.
*Solution:* An example is when the girl arrives tell her she looks amazing, which is what you do already.