My bf (36) and I (29F) have talked about marriage for a long time and he mentioned affording/saving for buying a ring so I think he may propose in the next couple months. The thing is that we talked about prenups and he absolutely is against it. We make about the same right now, but I own a house and have more investments (house, 401k, etc) than he does and hope to change jobs that’ll pay more. Also, he owns his own business that is struggling. I have a fear that if we get married, I risk to lose everything if we get divorced. I was married before and ended up losing a lot of money when I divorced so I have a lot of ptsd from it. Was wondering if I could get advice as to how I can convince him that prenups are actually a good thing and if he still sticks to his gun, should I accept his proposal?
32 comments
Protect your interests. If he won’t agree, ask yourself why and whether you are willing to risk losing your shit a second time. Personally, I wouldn’t.
I believe in love whole-heatedly. I also believe a pre-nup is good in your situation. I would hope he would agree as it protects you from any loss on his side. His job is to protect you(it’s your job to protect him too, and you should do that as well.) But again in your situation I agree a pre-nup is a good idea.
> I have a fear
In your area, is that a legitimate fear? (have you confirmed it with legal advice?)
So far as I know, what you bring into the marriage remains yours. What grows during the marriage, the growth portion becomes “community property” and is liable to be split if there’s a separation. Admittedly, splitting is often done clumsily, typically against the man’s side of things unless he’s hired smarter lawyers.
To be blunt: ask him if he loves you, or, your money.
Interesting to see a woman for and a man against a prenup. Props to you for protecting your investments and future. Dude’s a goob.
I’d like you to reflect critically on why you are marrying. Why do you want to enter into a state-regulated agreement with this person, to begin with? What are you getting out of this arrangement other than a huge amount of risk, which you are saying right now you don’t want.
Typically girls want to get married if they are having kids, so they have some security from their spouse, but it sounds in this scenario you have more assets so that wouldn’t make sense.
I would strongly consider not marrying if I were you. It really changes nothing about your relationship as far I see. Everything you can do married you can already do in a committed relationship.
Prenup. If he wants to get married he needs to sign a prenup. If he’s so against it then I would just be firm and say that I’m happy but I won’t marry you until there’s a prenup
Yeppers! He signs the prenup or you walk, period! When a marriage is more likely to fail than succeed, it’s common sense.
As an almost divorced person myself, I will never understand why someone who’s been through it would ever allow the government to have that kind of say in your romantic ties ever again. This could be solved so easily with a domestic partnership where everyone keeps their own assets. The end.
Lawyer here, every single marriage should have a prenup, every single one! Marriage is first and foremost a legal decision.A prenup is not a question of love or trust but of keeping both parties protected, not just in the event of divorce but in the case of personal bankruptcy. This is a major red flag for me.
Prenup or walk. Non-negotiable
Whether you can convince him or not, don’t let him convince you to get married without one. Nothings guaranteed in life and the fact he doesnt want to sign it is a huge red flag. I dunno, tell him its a non negotiable.
Welcome to the man’s world. Men have been risking everything for decades
A prenup can protect both people – when you’re writing one up, you can have the interests of both parties when deciding how things are divided. It might seem unromantic to some but it’s generally a good idea.
Just FYI you may want to talk to an attorney about what a pre-nup would actually protect before you die on this hill. It’s my understanding that if you live together in the home you currently own it will be considered shared property even after a prenup and anything you make more after marriage also won’t be covered. IANAL so I may be mistaken but I think it’s worth talking to someone about how much protection it would actually offer. Also in some places being commonlaw means the same thing as marriage in terms of division of assets so could be worth seeing if thats the case where you are as well.
I am also previously married and divorced. I am for a prenuptial because a divorce is really unpredictable and emotional and with high rates of divorce, it is better to be safe than sorry. People’s worst side comes out in a divorce too. Agree to the terms when you both are happy and logical.
I think of it as life insurance. You really don’t want to have it, but it’s great to have if things goes south (your death). Or, health insurance. You wish to not have it or pay for it, but when you need to get something done, it’s nice to have. It won’t fix the problem 100% but it makes things tolerable and easier.
Someone said a prenuptial is how much faith you have in the government handling your assets. Prenuptial agreements give you and your partner control on how to divest assets. Without a prenuptial, gives the government control over how you two should divest assets when a divorce occurs.
For me, it isn’t really how much a person has at the moment. I just rather have the logical split laid out when things are happy because I have heard of some vile and irrational and emotional vengeance type of people during a divorce.
Also, as I am in the legal field, I know divorce attorneys tend to drag things out for more billables. It gets costly when people fight over custody or wanting the house. Attorneys can be ruthless too – leaving both sides in shambles.
Protect your finances. No one can predict what will happen in the future.
I didn’t get a prenup and regret it now. No matter how good things are now people can change for reasons beyond your control and you need to be protected.
EVERY marriage in the United States has a prenup. You either write your own to decide your own terms, or accept the terms the state has set.
Every marriage has a pre-nup. Either you and your partner sets the terms or the state does. The state will never have your best interests in mind. If he won’t do a pre-nup and hasn’t provided you with a solid reason why, he’s not right for you. He’s not keeping your interests in mind.
The point of prenups is to protect whatever assets one has before the marriage. If anyone, guy or girl, doesn’t want one, it literally means they feel entitled to what you got before you got married.
Why Is he so against it?
I wonder if he understands it. I was against it also but come to realize I never really understood it until it was explained to me by a lawyer. It benefits and protects both. So maybe have someone explain it to you both.
If he is still against it tell him you love him but you can not get married without one being signed.
Marriage is a business contract signed and notarized through the government and anyone who enters a business contract without defined terms is a moron
…and yes every single marriage should have a prenup and it’s sheer lunacy we allow marriages without them
There is nothing guaranteed in life. You must protect yourself and your assets. Men and women have been known to leave their partner once they secured a good portion of the others assets and they have another life lined up… Anything can happen.
The only thing you can do is be wise enough now and before its too late. There is absolutely no reason why he would disagree to a prenup unless he had an ulterior motive. His “love” for you should automatically mean he accepts what you wish to do with what is entirely yours. If he bullies or attempts to manipulate you now, realise it won’t end at that. Make a firm stand now and don’t open it for discussion.
My personal opinion, prenups should be neccessary or integrated into moder marriages. There’s literally no reason for there not to be. No prenup marriage, no marriage.
This goes for everyone, including the guys too scared to ask for one.
I’m in a similar position as you and I would not be comfortable getting married without a prenup. I own my home, have investments, and make about double what my SO makes (though I am fairly sure he will eventually out-earn me). Divorces are emotional and unpredictable. Even if the relationship is great, I would have that worry in the back of my mind that things could turn sour and it would affect my go-forward financial decisions. I don’t want that burden.
If I were you, I’d speak with an attorney in your area about your options. It’s possible you could figure out some kind of arrangement to protect assets from becoming marital property without the prenup (i.e., trusts), but that doesn’t really get to the heart of the issue. It’s equally important to understand why your SO doesn’t want one. You could also encourage him to also speak to an attorney, who would tell him how a prenup would protect his interests too.
Stick to your intuition. If things don’t work out, you will kick yourself hard! Don’t put yourself in a bad position. Even if you love someone, things can change.
This is me, but if someone loved me, I would expect them to care about my well-being and security. This includes if things didn’t work out between us. I would also expect respect for what I have and what I have done to get to this point in life and that they are not entitled to my hard work before marriage. Anything that is built together is shared 100%. I have this mentality for men and women as a 2-way street.
Especially because you are traumatized from your previous divorce, he should be understanding that you definitely want a prenup this time. To me, it is a red flag if he is not understanding of that.
What’s his reasoning for not wanting a prenup?
You have very valid reasons to want a prenup (assets and divorce). If he can’t provide a rational reasonable argument against it then no I wouldn’t marry him
It’s a question of how much you trust the state to write your marriage laws and rights, versus you advocate for your rights. If he has 100% faith in the government over you or himself, then it checks out. If not, then there’s not much logic in it. Sounds like he’s more of an emotional decision maker rather than logical.
Also the bigger issue is that he’s not open to the discussion it seems.
Ummm get that prenup girl or it’s over tf
Got divorced in 2021. Would never get married again without a prenup. The right person for me would understand and respect that
I don’t know him so I’m not going to judge him. I initially did not believe in prenups. I wasn’t brought it with knowing about it, so I wasn’t okay with it, so my OH, did come around to it. But the more I’m bettering myself, I understand the need for it. I think if he doesn’t agree, you should talk about why, from both sides, see what his reasons are. I also get the feeling you don’t trust him or his business maybe? I’m not sure. But maybe give him some reassures of how the marriage will be, still the whole I’ll be there for you help you, love you etc etc? Reassurances are so important imo. It’s hard when one is doing better than the other. I don’t think you have to drastically walk away, maybe don’t get married if it’s a deal breaker for marriage. Stay happier in your current situation? If you’re both happy with that. You don’t have to get married either.