I (27F) am having some concerns about things with my boyfriend (28M).
I sleep over on weekends at his place, and since we started dating he initiates sex while he’s sleeping. He sleep talks and has full out conversations, it’s literally impossible to tell whether he’s genuinely awake or asleep. But most times when we do it, he gets mad at me after and claims he didn’t give consent. He claims he’s woken up to me giving him head or pulling his boxers down, yet prior to me doing that he’s seemed COMPLETELY awake and does things to me as well (which I’m fine with). But basically.. this is the latest incident which was last night.
He rolled over and said he wanted to do anal, I think I asked him “you want to do that right now?” and he said yes, so I pulled his boxers down and started going down on him. I asked him if he was awake, he said yes, he wasn’t getting it up so I stopped and said “it doesn’t really feel like you’re in the mood” and laid back down.
Then he said he wanted chips, I went and got him chips, I gently tossed them beside him. He yelled at said not to throw chips at him, I opened the bag and then he said not to open them (not very nicely). He said if I was gonna keep him awake after a long week, I could pack my things and go home. So I started packing because at this point I was over the chip scenario, he apologized and said to stay.
Morning comes, we have a conversation, he says I sexually assaulted him, he also said I got MAD when I said “i don’t think you’re in the mood”. I wasn’t mad at all, I explain my point of view. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea that I sleep over anymore because I’m tired of the sleep-sex-scenario thing. He says that it’ll negatively effect our relationship, so I said that after he initially falls asleep- all sex is off the table and I won’t let anything happen anymore.
What do I make of this? What do I do, am I in the wrong? There’s been times I’ve woken up to him doing things to me, which is fine because I’m into that sort of thing and he has my consent. There’s been times he says he was awake, then times he wasn’t. Help lol.
37 comments
Does he take sleep aids? There’s been a few incidents of “weird shit while sleeping” on ambien, for instance.
But yeah if this is getting out of hand there is one simple solution: seperate bedrooms (or bedroom and couch works too). Doesn’t have to be a “punishment” or whatever, just a solution to a problem.
I would break up with the guy. He’s showing zero empathy for you and your perspective. He should be apologizing to you for things he does while asleep not getting mad at you for going along with, for as much as you can tell, his wishes. Makes me think he’s doing it to manipulate your emotional state.
“Sexsomnia, also known as sleep sex, is a type of sleep disorder known as a parasomnia. Parasomnias refer to unusual sensations and behaviors, such as sleepwalking, that people may experience or exhibit while asleep, falling asleep, or waking up. In the case of sexsomnia, people engage in sexual behaviors ”
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/parasomnias/sexsomnia#:~:text=Sexsomnia%2C%20also%20known%20as%20sleep,people%20engage%20in%20sexual%20behaviors
He should be showing you far more empathy. Sounds like a complete jerk.
Maybe think of a safe word/ sentence for him to say to check if he’s really awake. If he’s not saying it move or reject. That said, it’s a red flag to me he shows little empathy from your point of view. Hope this is genuine on his part…
First of all, kudos to you for being so accommodating. You sound pleasurable to be around. Second, he’s got issues. He needs therapy to sort it out.
Sounds like you’re his servant not his partner. “he wanted this so I did it, he wanted that so I fetched it for him”.. let him go get his own damn snack if he’s hungry! Sheesh
It sounds like your bf has some type of parasomnia like another comment mentioned. What bothers me is that he’s accused you of assault more than once but he has also remarked on the relationship suffering if you didn’t sleep over. The relationship is currently suffering because he keeps accusing you of sexual assault because of what sounds like an undiagnosed sleep disorder on his part.
If I were you I’d suggest that he get’s help and create some boundaries around sleeping and sex until it’s addressed.
Sexsomnia is a thing. Tell him to see a doctor
Maybe sexsomnia?
Use your phone and record the next session then show him the proof. Then if he keeps on being a Jerk dump his ass
In the first weeks of our marriage, I had a dream I was having sex with my wife. I woke up and I was having sex with my wife. Pretty much everything I had dreamed about I was doing. I woke up about half way through, she had been woken when I started to grab her breasts. We finished and went back to sleep.
It definitely sounds like he’s a bit of an asshole… However, I will just mention that not only am I a lovely person, but I have narcolepsy. And I used to do all sorts of things in my sleep. From throwing people off the bed and then trying to save them from some disaster to having full conversations to having sex (that I apparently initiated). And I wouldn’t remember any of it. If someone did wake me up in the middle of me doing something in my sleep, I would get crazy upset and irritated in those moments of semi sleep before I’m fully conscious. Trust me, you don’t want to wake up a narcoleptic. I would be so grumpy like someone who hadn’t slept ever. However, when I would come to, I’d feel so horrible. I would apologize nonstop and make sure I had a conversation with the other person about it.
I fibally was diagnosed, finally found the meds and strategies to control my illness, and that doesn’t happen anymore.
So you could suggest he go to his doctor for a sleep study. Maybe it’s a sleep disorder that needs some medical intervention. But if it’s not or he refuses to go, then maybe that settles that
He’s weird af
Okay firstly, sorry to hear your going through this. I (27) male, have also been diagnosed with sexsominia. (Yes it’s a thing) he needs to be understanding of his own actions. He needs to be showing you some respect for your understanding and willingness to accept his sleep issue.
I think it’s unfortunate with his reactions. I think the first time this happened and he said something there should have been a plan going forward on this which he should have discussed with you. I don’t think you are wrong but this seems often and due to reactions I’d get put of there. I tell every girl I date don’t wake me up if I fall asleep on the couch or anywhere random and if you are in the mood you can act even if I’m asleep and would wake up. It’s a nice thing I think. But get rid of him
I used to do that.
What a world. You can do much better.
My husband has initiated sex in his sleep before and I genuinely thought he was awake! Not once has he pulled the SA card though, and we kind of just laugh it off! I would be really concerned that his is accusing you of assault, that would be a big red flag for me.
He sounds weird.
Some people have already commented about sexsomnia, which could be true, but normally it’s followed by amnesia, so he shouldn’t remember what happened at the time. Even if it was a case of parasomnia or if he is using sleeping pills the worst part of all is him accusing you of sexual assault twice already, being inconsiderate about what is happening and honestly being kind of a dick. A lot of red flags going around and it looks like a toxic relationship.
Hold up. Do people remember their sleep “activities”?
>he says I sexually assaulted him, he also said I got MAD when I said “i don’t think you’re in the mood”.
I’ve walked and talked and done stuff in my sleep since I was a kid but I never have any recollection of them unless I woke up during (which was always scary).
No bloke complains about being woken up with a blowie: the fella ain’t right. Give him the Spanish archer 👍🏻
This dude sounds like a loser.
I would also end things with him. My boyfriend as well initiates sex when he’s half asleep, sometimes I just ignore it and he stops but if he don’t stop then I ask him if he’s awake and he says yes and we have sex and afterwards he’s fully awake and never says I sexually assaulted him. Sometimes he will try and initiate it and I’ll stop it and that’s it and the next morning I’ll ask him if he remembers trying to have sex with me and he’ll say no, so it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t being very narcissistic.
Lol update. We went out for dinner, I got pretty drunk. We got home, I passed out, he started back on his bullshit and initiated it. I was aware enough to know what he was doing, I didn’t get into it, I kept asking him if he was awake, he kept moaning. I asked him for the safe word, he kept moaning, I can’t really remember but happened but we ended up having sex and doing a whole lot. At the end he said “I was awake the whole time, I just wanted to see what you would do after our conversation”.
Edit: when I say he kept moaning, he was literally just thrusting into my back and we both had pants on. But he said he was awake afterwords……. I’m feeling fucking weird.
This sounds wild. Not saying it can’t happen, I just think it’s… concerning. If I were him, I’d try to get a handle on all of this activity I did while I was asleep. Does he take Ambien?
I would leave. You’re being accused of SA. That’s really scary. You think he’s awake and consenting but he isn’t. He doesn’t seem to understand (or care) that it seems like he’s awake and consenting.
If you don’t want to leave, I would recommend not having sex or doing anything sexual once he’s been asleep. Even if he seems awake after being asleep, it sounds like he might not be. You definitely don’t want a SA charge or something.
The psychosis men experience paired with sleep is fucking terrifying and insane
I don’t like that he’s assuming bad intentions from you when it was actually his actions that led to this whole situation. He should have apologized to you for his weird behavior and it’s concerning that he hasn’t. I do think you’re making the right decision about sleeping separately.
Some people who do this stuff during sleep actually try having sex while asleep. I’ve even read a story on reddit recently where the girls bf was essentially raping her while he was asleep and didn’t know it.
Wow I had this exact thing happen to me. It was the craziest shit I ever experienced. I told her I would call the police myself if she thinks I really raped her against her will.
She wouldn’t let me do it.
She was a psychopath anyways. Absolutely nuts. I never met a person so insane. She was one way when I met her but a whole other way after we started dating. Holy moly.
This sounds like some attention-getting, narcissistic mind game he’s playing with you. There are too many options out there to keep entertaining his bullshit. Walk your fine ass out the door.
Leave or don’t sleep next to him until he figures his shit out.
Dump him
Red flags all around. Move on not worth the trouble
Respectfully, it seems like that’s the least of your worries. He’s not taking responsibility for his sleep issues and is behaving abusively toward you. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and it sounds like you should walk away from this relationship before you break down from the stress of it.
I don’t think he is actually asleep. My bf will sometimes initiate sex stuff while being idk, mostly asleep, all the way asleep. But he does not remember the next day. I usually ask him if he’s awake, he’ll say yes. I ask if he is consenting and he says yes. But he never remembers the next morning. I’ll tell him about how he said something dirty and cute and he’ll go….”babe, I think I was asleep for that” or similar, before I realize he wasn’t awake and doesn’t remember. (We’ve spoken about it, he’s ok with me having sex when he is in this state as long aince I can’t really tell the difference and I never try any new kinks or toys or anything similar after we’ve said our goodnights and turned off the lights)
Your bf remembers the sex, and uses it against you claiming assault, when he is the one asking you in the first place. He asked you for anal, how is that sexual assault? I get a gross feeling about this. Like….a bad gut feeling.
I’m gonna take a step back from this relationship I think. I’ve packed all my stuff just now from his house, he told me to pack up last night because I made a comment about a girl who messaged him while I was hammered. He also said some weird things trying to get a reaction out of me but that’s besides the point.
He gives me the vibe that his midlife crisis will be chopping me up and scattering me along the highway or something. He’s never physically hurt me but the look he gets in his eyes when he’s angry makes me uneasy.