Hi. My wife and I want to exercise and lose some weight. We recently decided we want to do this together and help each other do this better.
However, we end up arguing a lot about it. She usually says she hates working out and doesn’t want to do it. She says its not a priority for her and does it only for me. I get why she is saying so, but its also for her health. I have not body shamed her, but she did gain some more weight recently and I very politely and respectfully asked her if she would like to lose some weight as it is not healthy and could be problematic in the future.
The problem starts when we have to do it. We got busy schedules but i try to find time for it everyday/ every other day. Plan my day so that i make time for this. She doesn’t. She takes it as a burden and does it grudgingly. We have tried working out together multiple times before, but it has never gone on for long. She would say she is too busy or its too tough or I don’t support her well. If i ask her to do it and kind of ask about it too much then she would not. Otherwise if I don’t ask her, she would start skipping workout.
In the end, it comes down to you didn’t support me or you have forced me too much. How do i handle this better? How do i support her and not force her? I want to respectfully support her but have been unable to do so because of either my own problems or because of her inhibitions.
7 comments
Maybe exercise isn’t the best place to start then. 80% of losing weight is going to start in the kitchen with what you eat and how much. A lot of people actually gain weight when starting to workout. They over estimate the amount of calories burned in a workout and end up over-consuming at meal time or tell themselves they earned dessert. They eat more calories than they burned and weight piles on. It can be disheartening and counter productive.
Start with making changes to your diet and/or look at intermittent fasting. Then maybe add in some walking and getting in a certain number of steps per day. Once she starts seeing a difference on the scale or in the mirror, perhaps she’ll be inspired to do more. Until then, you can begin by not adding something she needs to try and squeeze into her day. Let her come to that on her own.
IME you can’t take on someone else’s weight or fitness as your job, responsibility, or purview. For exactly the reasons you say.
My husband is a healthy and attractive weight and eats very healthily, but he hates strength training. I’ve tried for like two years to get him to go to the gym consistently, and it’s only left me frustrated. He always has a good excuse not to lift that day. Always. And he’ll never go to the gym unless I ask him to.
So…oh well. It’s his body. I’ve made it clear that it’s important to me that he protect his health and vitality, and that’s all I can do.
The best way to lose weight is by making sustainable lifestyle changes. That means finding a way to have a healthy lifestyle that you actually enjoy. Some people love going to the gym and working out but for most people, it’s something they try and then abandon. Finding an activity you enjoy is going g to benefit you more. Perhaps after dinner walks, bike rides, dancing or swimming?
Why are all of the comments here getting downvoted into the negatives?
Having to convince her to do something is not support. Support means she is already committed to doing something, and you give her space to succeed at it. It’s unfair of her to blame you for her failures. No one is responsible for anyone else’s actions. If she wants to lose weight, it’s up to her to find a way to stay consistent.
Being overweight is only a problem if she cares about living a long life free of health issues. If she is fine with dying in her 60s or sooner, then she can stick with her current habits. Either way, it is none of your business. I know you may FEEL responsible for her, but the reality is that you’re not.
Free yourself of this issue. Do what you want to about your own health. If she starts accusing you of not supporting her, simply tell her that you are happy to assist her if or when she comes to you, but you are not going to chase her. She is trying to get you to carry the burden of her guilt for not working out. You need to reject that and stop allowing her to make you feel insane when you know what the truth if the matter is. .
Does she do this in any other areas of your marriage? Because this behaviour is very manipulative and a betrayal of your trust.
you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do and the more you push, the more they’ll resist.
Just focus on your own exercise routine and hopefully when she starts seeing results, she’ll be motivated to join.
what you can do together is eat better. Weight loss is mostly done via food anyway so cook your meals together etc.
a fantastic way to workout together without having it feel like a workout – martial arts. Not even joking either; you both learn a new skill and feel totally badass while doing it.
Loosing weight is MASSIVELY about diet and then exercise. If you don’t have time to exercise I (as a random internet stranger) suggest you guys try a Ketogenic lifestyle. No bread. No sugar. Lots of meat and veg. Not really fruit. Too much sugar. Also I find intermittent fasting helps a lot too. I am lazy and would rather be careful about what I eat than work out every single day. Google how long of a run you have to go on to burn off one slice of dry toast. It’s almost 20 min of activity. Reduce your caloric intake and be choosey about what calories you put in if you want quick results with little exercise. r/intermittentfasting