Yesterday my boyfriend (38, M) and I (30, F) were putting wood in our log store (that he made). BF opened the hinged wooden roof and rested it vertically against wall behind it. I said something along the lines ‘that seems like it will fall’. He seemed to think it was fine and I forgot about it. I continued to put wood in the store and at some point a gust of wind went past and sent the heavy wooden roof slamming onto the top of my head, which obviously hurt, and disoriented me momentarily. I shouted ‘ouch!’ and grabbed my head. BF was like a metre away and didn’t say anything, just looked. As well as being in pain, I was a bit annoyed and said something like ‘I knew that would happen’ (maybe not the best thing to say). I was upset so went back inside and heard him say ‘oh are you done with this then?’ in reference to storing the wood away.
Maybe 20 mins later he came back inside to find me (I was crying because I felt like he didn’t care). We talked about this. He said a few things: He said I might have done something to knock the roof down onto my head (no – I didn’t touch any part of it that would have caused this). He said if I thought it might fall maybe I should have done something about it (yes – I agree with this and in future I will probably not trust his judgement). He said I would have moved out of the way a bit so it can’t have hit me that badly (my reaction time isn’t that fast, so I didn’t move at all). He said a bunch of other stuff but nothing to indicate really that he cared or was sorry (I would feel sorry if it was the other way around) – actually he cared in terms of me being upset as I was crying, but not about the injury itself
Also relevant, and partly why I am upset (and maybe also why I’m extra stupid), there is a different older wood store at the back of the garden – a few months ago I was collecting wood from it and I opened the hinged wooden roof and let it rest in basically the same way that he did. It fell hard on my head. He was doing something else in the garden so didn’t see but I went to him about it, I said ‘the wood store roof just slammed hard on my head’. He said something like ‘why did you do that?’. That is his usual response when I hurt myself – that I did something wrong or stupid to cause it and no actually empathy or care, but normally only little things like. I got upset about his reaction and spoke to him about it then. The fact that yesterday he did the exact same thing I did (which warranted the reaction ‘why did you do that’) makes it worse.
Am I being unreasonable to expect or want my boyfriend to care about when I get (significantly) physically hurt? I normally wouldn’t post something like this on the internet but feel like I have talked it through with my boyfriend and I’m still confused about his reaction (or lack of).
tl;dr heavy wooden thing slammed onto my head and hurt – boyfriend doesn’t seem to care. I want my boyfriend to care when I’m hurt and want to make sure I’m okay. Am I being unreasonable? Is his lack of care normal?
edit: just wanted to say thanks for all of your comments. They’ve made me feel more cared about (even if not from my boyfriend haha) and that my feelings are valid and normal! I’m aware this is a one-sided reflection from my viewpoint (though I’ve tried to consider things from his view) and ignoring all of the amazing qualities of my boyfriend so I consider that when reading replies, but your replies have provided me with a lot of reassurance in my sanity..
20 comments
Does he usually find ways to not apologize for things that are partially or entirely his fault?
Does he do this with every injury/illness you have? That’s rough. I don’t know if he can develop empathy at this point but it’s a pretty big red flag.
You’re not being unreasonable. He is a bad partner. I’m assuming that was his parents reaction to getting hurt when he was a child, but that’s no excuse for a 38 year old man. Buy him a book on empathy/caring for a partner, because this is a terrible trait to have.
It’s concerning that he isn’t taking any responsibility and is instead blaming you for everything. Even if it was completely your fault, it’s not a time to press blame but to comfort and then later, bring up a solution to avoid it happening again. I understand why you’re upset, he didn’t show any concern for you at all. And immediately just tried to shift blame. Did he even say he was sorry? I would be concerned that in the future you are going to have other instances of him not taking responsibility for his actions and instead blaming you.
I’d be wary of maintaining a long relationship with someone who isn’t a decent caretaker when I’m sick/injured AND with someone who focuses on assigning blame to me in a situation instead of addressing the problem at hand.
Two red flags that this isn’t a person I want to grow old with. And that’s why I dated. YMMV
Off topic but are you going to get checked for concussion?
Go to the doctor if you experience headaches.
Maybe he doesn’t realize that head injuries are serious. If he doesn’t, and has a high pain tolerance himself, he might not see the big deal. Your reaction is justified, but I think he’s just lacking understanding, rather than empathy (but think about this in other contexts, including non-physical ones, and you will know much better than me. Does he generally care in situations which are familiar to him?)
He has major empathy issues. Do you want to be with someone like that?
> Am I being unreasonable to expect or want my boyfriend to care about when I get (significantly) physically hurt?
I…think you know you’re not. This is about the lowest possible bar for a partner and he’s limboing under it.
The question is, now that you are painfully aware that he lacks empathy, what are you going to do about it? Personally I would not recommend staying with someone who is so cold that they are able to stand there and watch you in serious pain with no other reaction than to blame you. I see you’ve been with him for 8 years, meaning that he’s probably shaped your understanding of what an adult relationship looks like, so I will tell you plainly: no, his lack of care is not normal.
UMMMMM that is not normal. Look at all the energy he spends gaslighting you when he could just comfort you instead. I dated someone like this-they never took any responsibility for anything in the relationship and when I asked for my needs to be met I was met instead with detailed explanations of why I didn’t deserve to have them met. Gross, insecure, and emotionally stunted behavior. I’m sorry OP you deserve to have a partner who wants to be connected to you-not doing mental gymnastics to avoid reality.
Is he always like this? Because he doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend.
Your boyfriend shouldn’t immediately jump to blaming you whenever you get injured. I hit my head by accident the other day, in a way that wasn’t really anyone’s fault (but was caused by me being a bit clumsy) and my husband just expressed sympathy and concern—he didn’t berate me for my clumsiness. I was fine bc it wasn’t a hard hit, and we moved on. Your bf just seems like an asshole.
Maybe you should consider seeing a doctor, btw. Two hard hits in a short period of time seems worth checking out.
Be sure to follow a standard concussion protocol and call your dr if you have unabated symptoms of a concussion in the next couple days.
Your boy friend sounds emotionally disconnected from you.
No you are not unreasonable in any way to expect some concern, care, or sympathy from someone who supposedly loves you. Unfortunately it seems like all your bf cares about is being right. You are not stupid. You are not a klutz that ‘should have moved in time.’ Accidents happen!! That is normal life!! Did your bf even ask you if you were ok, or if you need medical attention??
His reaction doesn’t seem normal in any way unless he’s some sort of sociopath or narcissist or something. Also, he’s 38 so WELL beyond the age where he should have learned basic human decency.
I would be VERY concerned with his reaction, and you should seriously reconsider staying in a relationship with someone who seems to care so little for you.
Regardless of the scenario, you got hurt and your boyfriend was an ass about it.
Common responses when someone gets hurt:
*Are you OK?
*Can I get you anything?
*I bet that hurt, I’m sorry it happened to you, let me know what I can do to help
Have your boyfriend read and practice these phrases to level up his common human decency stats. You said he’s wonderful otherwise, so this is probably how his Dad reacted to him when he got hurt as a kid and is repeating what he knows. Time for him to step up and do better.
I am not sure what else is wrong in this relationship, but a really clear request 1. what is the issue & how you feel, 2. what you’d like instead:
*When I am hurt your lack of concern for my well being makes me feel left down. I’d appreciate it if you’d just ask me how I am feeling and if there’s anything you can do, rather than argue with me or diminish my experience.*
There’s a core lack of empathy/pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality in him. So people can’t get it, but others can learn and change, so he’ll either get it or he won’t– all you can do is ask clearly.
You took a hard hit to the head. Have you been checked out?
Mild concussion, or possibly blood moving into the fluids around your brain and causing pressure on your brain would be bad. Having worked in ERs it is WAY WAY better to be safe than sorry in cases like this.
Also… the fact he twists things to be your fault, and is interested in blaming you instead of comforting you and trying to help think of solutions that you can BOTH do to keep something like this from happening in the future is a red flag my dear. Personally I would be glad that he was my boyfriend and not my husband so I could leave him easier, and make plans to get out and go.
It’s a huge red flag that he is more concerned about you finding him at fault for being hurt than he actually is about your wellbeing. Like his first priority is to make sure you can only blame yourself.
If you go down with cancer guess who’s leaving you high and dry
His reaction isn’t good, to be sure. A simple “are you ok?” is the bare minimum and he couldn’t even do that.
But also, were you *actually* hurt? Like, did this necessitate a doctor visit, or even medication? I’m sure it hurt to get whacked on the head, but it sounds like maybe he just thought you were making a big deal about something that really wasn’t. My guess is that if it had fallen on him, he probably would have said “ouch” and gone on with his day, and he doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you.