We’ve been in a relationship for just under a year now, but I’m worried that his behaviour is bordering upon assault towards me. He’s never actually held me down/forced me to do anything, but he has a habit of making me feel guilty by acting overtly disappointed or angry when I say no or stop during sex, causing me to ‘change my mind’. There’s also been times when he’s been intoxicated by drugs or alcohol and he’s been truly angry at me if I’ve said no to sex, making me worried for my safety and ‘changing my mind’ to agree to sex. The main reason I don’t think this is coercion is because I know he’ll never force himself on me, and I do technically say yes in the end so I’m textbook-consenting.
A more recent experience I’ve found is that he’s grown increasingly pushy with anal. I’ve had a previous sexual assault case (anal-penetration) prior to our relationship and as a result, I’ve not been interested in anal and I get flashbacks when doing it (my partner is very aware of this), however he’s become more interested in doing it, and has started putting a finger in my asshole during vaginal sex, increasing to me waking up to him having fingered my asshole whilst I was asleep, and him fully just putting his penis in my asshole during sex, and finishing there despite my cries for him to stop.
And I know that on textbook, this seems wrong, but I also know that he would never genuinely force himself upon me so am I reading too far into this? How can we both build upon our relationship (because i’m not interested in leaving him, he’s genuinely lovely in all other aspects).
5 comments
Sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. Time to leave him
>I’ve had a previous sexual assault case (anal-penetration) prior to our relationship and as a result, I’ve not been interested in anal and I get flashbacks when doing it (my partner is very aware of this), however he’s become more interested in doing it, and has started putting a finger in my asshole during vaginal sex, increasing to me waking up to him having fingered my asshole whilst I was asleep, and *him fully just putting his penis in my asshole during sex, and finishing there despite my cries for him to stop.*
This is literally textbook SA and rape. You are not safe with him.
Wdym he’s never force himself on you? He already did! You did not say it was ok to do anal sex and he did it anyway knowing your trauma. On top of that he is a world class asshole. You are being assaulted and clearly he lacks all respect for you and your boundaries. Please leave him, that behavior is not ok and should never be tolerated
He is actively forcing himself on you now. This is miles away from ok. He is sexually assaulting you casually and regularly. Please don’t make any more excuses for him.
You need to get out. Like, yesterday.
I also recommend getting yourself some counseling in order to help you deal with your past trauma and give you the tools to identify when a person is violating your boundaries/taking advantage of you. I think it would be wise to not be in a relationship right now so that you can focus on yourself. I wish you well!
This person is not a partner.