I (24f) don’t think that my bf (30m) is serious about therapy

20 comments

1. You can’t convince someone to change who doesn’t want to actually change. It sounds like he’s more going through the motions to say, “See! I’m going to therapy, are you happy?!?”

2. Better question: why are you still there?

3. He’s not serious about therapy and he’s not serious about you. He doesn’t care that his anger hurts you because he doesn’t care about you, and he knows that you’ll stay in this relationship no matter how he acts. So why are you staying and letting this happen?

4. I think you’re right. You can’t make somebody else take something seriously. This is why you should probably have just left. Anger management and therapy works when the person doing it actively wants to make a change, not when they are doing it just because their partner told them they have to as a condition of remaining in the relationship.

5. Your BF is trying to do the bare minimum to keep you.

   He’s not serious about therapy. Three therapists over ten sessions and he says he’s cured? That is laughable. Or, it would be, if you weren’t in danger still.

   That is clearly not about finding the right fit, that is about finding a therapist who will only tell him what he wants to hear. And most aren’t that stupid.

   That is only about manipulating you.

6. Does he drink monster energy?

7. Google “Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft”. I would link, but it’s not allowed in this sub. Anyways, it’s a book by someone who has worked extensively with men with anger management issues, and I think it could be really useful to you. There are free pdfs available online.

8. you are still pretty young but 5 years is a long time to waste on someone with anger issues. You are lucky theres no kids involved, people like that will also explode on kids and they are the ones that will really suffer.

   Its clear he doesn’t take it seriously because you are still there. Id say its time to move on and don’t look back. feelings and words can be hard to over come, but its for your own good. Maybe for him too as a shock to how badly he needs to fix himself. But somehow I get the feeling hes just never going to change.

9. Once again people being confused that guys in their mid to late 20s+ going for teenagers aren’t nice guys, are you really that naïve? It doesn’t matter what you explain because he views you as a child and doesn’t respect you, guys that are looking for equal partners don’t date teenagers at that age. I’d ask if you’d date a teenager at your age to get the point across but given how emotionally stunted you probably are by this guy maybe you would.

10. > So he’s been to 10 therapy sessions and 3 therapists total.

    Let me guess, he switches every time one of them starts to address his behavior in earnest?

    He’s not going to benefit from therapy because he’s not open to it. Anytime a therapist tells him something he doesn’t want to hear he’ll shut it out or quit.

    There’s a reason he started dating a teenager when he was in his mid-twenties. Think of an 18-year-old: would you date an 18-year-old boy? That’s the same age disparity as you two had. He picked someone your age because women his own age wouldn’t put up with his behavior and what do you know, now that you’re older you’ve also stopped being willing to put up with it.

    You can’t convince him to WANT to change. He has to want that for himself, and he clearly doesn’t. All you can control is yourself and how long you subject yourself to this.

11. 24 is an excellent age to wake up and say “maybe I should try dating someone different”.

12. You can’t fix him OP. Lots of girls fall into this trap at 19, like you did. Don’t be one of the people who refuses to acknowledge it until you’re 45 and looking at a divorce.

    EDIT: Also, you’re roughly the age he was when you two started dating. Do you think you would be interested in a teenager right now? Because he was.

13. you can’t. he isn’t interested in therapy. you aren’t going to be able to change that.

    you gave him an ultimatum. i’m assuming that meant if he didn’t go you’d leave him. well he’s not going, are you going to leave him or was that just an empty threat? just now if you stay things won’t get better and will almost certainly get worse

14. I’ll be honest with you.

    Please in the future try and refrain from resorting to ultimatums unless you are absolutely certain you will stick to your guns on following through if the other person doesn’t comply with it.

    You cannot make someone behave a certain way, you cannot force them to be a certain way.

    You can at best suggest, discuss and work through emotions/behaviors but that requires someone wanting to do that.

    The moment you set the ultimatum is the moment you set precedent.

    If you are unhappy with the results of your ultimatum then you need to stick to your guns and follow through with it.

    This is less of his problem and this is your problem now. From your description he has done all he is willing to do. any further threats are only going to cause a greater divide in my opinion.

    >How can i convince him just because he went to 10 sessions doesn’t mean anything because it was broken up into three different therapists?

    From where I sit, you’ve made enough attempts here.

    Let me ask you. Has he changed since going to therapy? Because all you’ve really said is that 10 sessions wasn’t enough, but you didn’t explain why you feel that isn’t enough and why he feels it is.

15. Well of course he’s not serious about therapy. He’s basically been mandated to go by you. It wasn’t like he decided he needs to change because he wants to work on himself, who he is as a person, how he feels, and how his behaviors impact others. He’s only going because you told him he needed to show up.

    Think about that for a minute. He isn’t going to therapy because he sees his anger as a problem and wants to change that, he’s going because you have him an ultimatum. He thinks the work is showing up and sitting there, not actually changing anything.

    This should have been a boundary, so “I can’t be with someone who treats me poorly when angry. If you can’t get your anger under control I will need to leave.” Instead it got phrased as “go sit in therapy sessions or I’m out.” He thinks he’s sat in those therapy sessions so he thinks he’s fulfilled his obligations. But, of course, that doesn’t actually address the problem. Did you really think someone who wasn’t taking the steps to control his anger until given an ultimatum was going to take things seriously? He doesn’t care about changing or holding himself accountable and the very fact that you had to tell him to go to therapy demonstrates that. He doesn’t care that his anger impacts you negatively as long as you don’t leave and his only motivation for even going to sessions was to do the bare minimum to try to get you to stay.

    Why are you even with someone like that?

    As others are commenting, there is likely a reason he went for an 19-20 year old when he was 25. Now you’re seeing the manifestation of that. He’s immature, has anger problems, doesn’t care about your well-being, etc.

    You don’t “convince” him here. You leave. Folks in mandated treatment (whether court mandated or girlfriend mandated only get better if they also want to get better/ see the need for that treatment). This is the equivalent of someone participating in substance use treatment to stay out of jail, with no actual commitment to changing their behavior/ relationship to substances long-term. As soon as he thinks he’s successfully avoided a break-up he’ll be right back to the same old song and dance.

16. You can’t make someone else want this more than you.

    You also can’t make him want to change.

    Your efforts will continue to go fruitless unless you realize that he’s not a puppet and can clearly decide to make change for himself. He won’t though; he’s PROVEN this to you.

    What you need to decide is that you either put up with his anger (which you shouldn’t have to) or leave him (because you deserve better!).

    NOTE: If you leave, he will beg and plead you to trust that he’ll change. Unfortunately, for those of us who have been here before, it’s all false lies. This is TYPICAL behavior. Trust in the fact that you’ve provided years of opportunities for him to change already. It’s hard to leave but trust this: in a few months, years, you’ll have a NEW life without this mess.

17. There’s a reason men his age chase after a teenager. He is gaslighting you (feel free to research the term). Get the heck out of there and find a guy your own age.

18. If he’s “good” ask him what he’s learned? How are some of the ways he and his therapist has tried out managing his anger? Maybe he thinks he’s got a few strategies now and is gonna implement them. Curious what he has to say, but if he comes back with deflection and not much, then you know for sure that he’s not taking it seriously, and you need to focus on the things you CAN control in your relationship.

    You can tell him until you’re blue in the face that he needs to go to therapy, but if he isn’t truly open to change, you won’t be able to convince him. Forcing him to change when he doesn’t want to isn’t healthy for either of you. But that also doesn’t mean you deserve to live with an explosive person who can not control their anger.

    Your boundaries around his unhealthy behavior need to become ironclad, and before you approach him with anything, think long and hard about what consequences to these behaviors you want to put in place, and make sure they’re ones that you will follow through on. If you tell him the next time he loses his temper on you, you’re going to leave him, make sure you’re actually prepared to leave. Otherwise he’s going to keep calling your bluff and he isn’t going to take you seriously and continue to act in all the ways you don’t like.

    Make the things you will and will not accept in your relationship crystal clear. Google for how to set boundaries with people, and do not listen to his pushback. People who are not used to you having boundaries feel offended when you first start setting them. Real and true boundaries are not designed to control the other person, but is instead letting them know what you are going to do when they choose to act in ways you find unacceptable.

    For example, if you curse at me and call me names during an argument, I am walking out of the room. I will not talk to you while you are cursing and name calling. I know it’s hard, and it requires being able to stop and observe the situation and get out of your feelings. Good luck!

19. > How can i convince him just because he went to 10 sessions doesn’t mean anything because it was broken up into three different therapists?

    So you’re hoping for some magic words that will suddenly make him understand? He doesn’t want to understand because he doesn’t actually want to change. He just wants you to deal with his anger and shut up about it.

20. You do not want to be with someone who has anger issues and no serious desire to control it, I promise you. It will only get worse, and one day you may have children in the firing line.