INFO: This is my first time posting on anything like this. I am 22 F, my boyfriend is 22 M. We have been together for 4 years. My bf is only the second person Ive ever dated, and definitely the only serious relationship I’ve had. And I love him, we flat separately but stay with each other heaps and have had a few holidays together.
I love my boyfriend, and we have a really open relationship. We are both really honest and communicate pretty well. We have a few issues, naturally, but his facial hair/grooming is really becoming an issue I don’t know how to deal with. He cant grow a beard. Its patchy and looks bad. But, he keeps just leaving it to ‘grow out’ and doesn’t know how to shave it properly. He just uses an electric razor and seems to think he is still a teenager and can just leave it for a few weeks and it wont be noticeable. It is very noticeable after a few days. He knows I don’t like it when he tries to grow it out, I’ve told him a few times. But, I haven’t commented anymore because I really want to respect that he can do what he wants as its his body. But to be honest it makes him physically unattractive to me. I am still attracted to his personality and who he is, but I do not like the way he looks most of the time because of his facial hair.
I think this is part of a larger problem where I feel he doesn’t really keep up with personal grooming. Again, his choice, but I just find it gross and immature to be honest. And I feel horrible. I honestly never thought of myself as caring much about others appearances. Ive always fancied people more for their humour and personality, and then after seen them as good looking. I can recognise strangers as good looking but I don’t feel anything for them.
I have had issues with sex my whole life. I find it hard (pun unintended) to feel comfortable acting out those feelings with others. I am doing therapy. But his lack of grooming/effort into appearance is making our intimacy more difficult. He has a higher libido, and is very understanding and patient, but I have a hard enough time without being grossed out by him too. The beard looks bad, but he also doesn’t trim his toenails which feels gross at night, he has really dry lips, his clothes are often wrinkly and mismatched, and his crotch always smells bad. Some of these are more hygiene issues but it all mixes together for me. I’ve mentioned most of these things at least once as kindly as I can, and he acknowledges what I’ve said, but doesn’t change anything, and then is disappointed/surprised/confused when I don’t want to be intimate. And obviously I have other stuff going on which I think he assumes causes it all, but I don’t know how to tell him he is also a problem.
I love him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But, I can’t justify trying to change him for my personal comfort. I don’t want to break up with him, but we are so young I feel it is worse for me to try and settle. It feels cruel to pretend I am attracted to him physically.
How can I get over these things? I don’t want to be like his mother and tell him how to look (a lot of adult women have told me that I need to ‘train him’ when I have tentatively brought the subject up, but that feels very old fashioned and not what I want in a relationship). I just want to not care about this anymore because I am afraid of it all just spilling out and hurting him.
TLDR: I find my boyfriend’s lack of grooming gross, how do I get over it? Ive already expressed it to him a few times kindly.
12 comments
I wouldn’t be turned on by someone who needed me to be Mommy, either đź–¤
Has he been screened for depression? One of the major signs of depression is poor hygiene.
But I mean… if you tell him to his face that his crotch stinks and he’s not willing to wash up for you… love may not be enough to keep this relationship afloat.
You know what, sometimes you gotta me honest with people even if it hurts them. Telling him that his lack of self care if off putting to you isn’t a bad thing to do. And, it’s not just for you. Sure the beard is, but the smell? He needs to fix his hygienic issues. Maybe he don’t know how tho? Giving a few tips and tricks isn’t mothering, it’s helping. It’s one thing if you need to tell him to go shower, it’s another to suggest a different soap or sending him a link to how to properly shave. Don’t nag him about it, but be clear (no hinting, spell
it out) that it’s affecting your relationship and if he wants to fix that he needs to do better.
There’s a major difference between commenting on someone’s appearance that they can’t change easily (e.g. you’re too fat/short/ugly) and commenting on quickly fixable issues. This last one is OKAY and I do it to my sex partners all the time. Eww you stink, go take a shower I don’t wanna sleep with you like this. He takes a shower, we fuck, everyone’s happy.
I think you should start doing it like that and stop being so hyper aware of how he could feel about it. The intimacy problem is much more likely to tear you apart then him getting a little butthurt because you don’t like his weird beard. Oh you’re initiating? Go clip your toenails and I’ll be right there.
This is NOT a you problem and it’s NOT up to you to “get over”. Be more assertive.
[is this him?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/10ldnvt/my_25m_gf22f_of_4_years_gets_really_annoyed_if_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
You kind of buried the lead with the beard stuff. That’s easily fixed, it’s the not washing that you don’t have to accept or put up with.
Be completely honest with how unattractive it is to you that he stinks. You can make it a foreplay thing if that will soften the blow but it’s not ever something you have you have to accept.
You don’t get over it. You feel how you feel and if he is not making an attempt to fix this you are going to start to get resentful and then it will get to where you won’t want to be with him. You need to have a tough conversation. No at your age don’t settle for this. You aren’t going to be happy.
You should make a table (on one column the area of his body and the other the steps he needs to take to fix this). For example: Beard – properly maintain or shave, toenails – clip weekly etc.
Then post this on a highly visible area – ex. maybe the fridge?
You deserve a partner you’re attracted to. There are many reasons that someone can become unkempt. Don’t walk on eggshells, you have every right to address this.
You don’t. You find someone else.
I was around your age when I broke up with my boyfriend of over 5 years. For different reasons, but something that you said really, really stuck out to me – that it feels cruel to pretend you’re attracted to him.
It’s okay if you two are now at such different points in your life that splitting is the answer. It’s also okay if you’re able to work it out and grow together. But from what I’m understanding, it’s an issue you’ve brought up that he doesn’t see as an issue (not changing his hygiene routine then being surprised you don’t want to be intimate). Early and mid 20s are usually a really transformative time for people and it’s okay when/if we grow apart from people we love. Doesn’t mean you need to necessarily share every detail, hurting his feelings. But it’s okay to want and to have a partner that values themselves and you enough to maintain their hygiene (this coming from a depressed person that finds showering often very difficult)
On way to try is rather than tell him what you don’t like, tell him what you do like. “I like when you’re clean shaven”. “I like when you’re all nice and clean”. “I like it when you smell nice”. The things you want aren’t asking too much, so maybe it’s possible he’ll decide to put more effort into the things he knows you like. If he does them, make a point to encourage it. If he still doesn’t, maybe you should rethink this relationship.
So…you’ve told him *a few times* in four years that his hygiene grosses you out? Then just moved on?