So I (19F) lost my dad when I was 16. He was an incredible father and one of the best people I’ve ever known.
About 6 months ago I befriended this guy (18M). I was in a relationship at the time, so it was purely platonic, but we grew close and he quickly became one of my favorite people. I’m now single and have noticed some feelings popping up.
The thing is I think part of the reason I’m so drawn to him is because he shares some of my dad’s qualities. I mean there are some superficial details- they have similar music taste and dress similarly, but it’s mainly broader stuff. Like they’re both joyful, introspective, open minded, and non-judgemental.
I’m not sure exactly how to describe but their brains just seem to work similarly. I’m not actively thinking/reminded of my dad when I’m with him, but I’ve noticed being with my friend makes me feel a certain comfort that I associate with my dad.
Except I’m now realizing that I’m most definitely into this friend. I guess my question is whether it’s a good idea to pursue a relationship with him. I’d never expect him to fill that void in my life, and I’m aware they’re completely different people, but I’m wondering if adding these associations and grief into the mix would set us up for failure and a whole lot of pain.
And to those of you who think this is weird, I get it, but I’ve thought about it and I really don’t think it’s weird for me to be attracted to someone that’s a little like my dad. Obviously I was never attracted to my dad (if it helps my friend doesn’t really look like my dad).
My dad was an incredible model of a loving husband and father, and taught me the values I hold. My sister has even said she thinks the reason she’s so picky about relationships is because we had such a good role model growing up. So if I’ve found someone with similar qualities it makes sense that I’d be drawn to them.
TL;DR! I (19F) am into a guy (18M) that shares a lot of good qualities with my incredible but dead dad. I’m worried this associations will complicate a potential relationship and am not sure if I should pursue anything.
1 comment
It’s honestly tough to say without seeing how your feelings change and grow during the relationship. Most people as they get older tend to pick up a few tendencies from their parents, and it’s not uncommon to find yourself attracted to certain qualities that one or both of your parents held. Both of these things usually happen when you’re more mature though, like 25+. The fact that you lost your father early on(condolences by the way) could have kick started this sort of thing for you personally. The fact that you’re aware the feeling is there, and that you’re worried about it turning negative is a good sign, means you’re mature and introspective. However one question you should ask is this: Would you still like this guy if those similarities changed/disappeared a bit? People really tend to change between 18-25, so you have to account for that. My advice would be to let it cook for a little bit as it is now, get some insight from your friends/sister, and see if you want to give a relationship a try.