I have been seeing this guy since August of 2022. He’s 27 years old while I’m 22. We’re both in an “exclusive” relationship, but he mentioned that he doesn’t want to date as of yet. We have had constant arguments mainly around him not texting me enough or not texting fast enough. He would sometimes leave me on read of hours or days. His reasoning is that he’s not a big into texting and finds it bothersome. However for me he “tries” to put in effort by texting everyday. His other idea of effort is making time for me once in awhile. We haven’t gone in a proper date since the first time we met. We mostly hangout at his place where he is usually busy doing his own stuff. Whenever I mention that I want better communication and him to come see me once a while as well, he says I bring in too much drama and am overthinking little things. He said I’m the person he likes and he isn’t talking or seeing anybody else. This makes me feel conflicted. Am I overthinking things? I really like this guy, but I’m constantly disappointed:(
42 comments
Why give him your time if he can’t give you effort? You obviously have needs that he refuses to try and meet. I don’t actually think you’re in a relationship, this is a situationship where he doesn’t want to date. I think you’d actually prefer dating a man and having his attention.
It takes 5 seconds to reply to a text. If you aren’t worth that to him, stop asking. You aren’t overthinking.
I think you should just mirror his behaviour and put in minimal effort. Don’t message him first and see how long it takes for him message you. Also don’t go rushing over to his place to hang out, let him organise something. Tell him catching up that day doesn’t work for you. Make him work a little bit more.
Also you need to question, do I really want to be with or wait for a guy who clearly is impartial to your relationship. I think if you two are having sex, he’s essentially getting everything he wants where as you aren’t. That’s not fair and don’t agree to that.
If your friend said her bf was treating her like this what would you tell her?
He sounds like he’s breadcrumbing and doing just enough to keep you in this relationship. You deserve more communication and more effort this early im a relationship. If he’s like this now, he won’t stop anytime soon.
Fight for yourself and be with someone who respects your desire for stable communication. It’s honestly not that much to ask for – it’s bare minimum. Read the red flags!
> he doesn’t want to date as of yet.
hence the minimal effort
You need to break it off, youve tried communicating your needs and it leads to arguments and him telling you youre overthinking. He made it clear he does not care and will not be changing, how much more effort are you gonna put in for someone who doesnt put in any at all?
Why are you with someone who puts in little effort?
Why do you like him? You deserve so much better. He’s a LOSER. I know you won’t leave him because you have low self esteem and are young and naive but god damn it’s so depressing to see posts like this.
Walk. You know how every Taylor Swift is talking about a guy that doesn’t like her? Don’t be Taylor Swift. If you aren’t getting what you want and need, then walk away.
Don’t chase after some idea of what you and him will be, only respond to the present.
Take it from me as a man. If I like a woman, she will know it, the effort will be there. The women I don’t like the effort is very small.
He’s not going to change, sorry girl 🙁
Doesn’t being exclusive imply the presence of dating?
You shouldn’t think or worry what he feels or said.
All you need to think is how you truly feel.
If you don’t feel it’s right, it’s not right.
Communication is one of the most basic things in a relationship. Without it, you have nothing.
The problem is not everyone communicates in the same way or has the same needs–so try to find someone who better matches your pace. It always drives me nuts to find someone who bothers me too often, or never responds to messages. Your partner should put in an equal amount of effort and be able to meet your needs.
Move on. Do yourself a favour.
He just doesn’t like u enough. It is not you, but him.
Sex or no sex?
“I have been seeing this guy since August of 2022.”
” he mentioned that he doesn’t want to date as of yet. ”
“We haven’t gone in a proper date since the first time we met. We mostly hangout at his place”
“..I mention that I want better communication and him to come see me once a while as well, he says I bring in too much drama…”
Since he told you that he doesn’t want to date and he never goes to visit you or takes you anywhere this sounds more like a “booty call” or friends with benefits arrangement.
Just because the two of you may be only seeing each other doesn’t mean *this is a relationship*.
You’re at the 5-month mark and things are undefined which means it’s a “situationship”.
“Am I overthinking things? I really like this guy, but I’m constantly disappointed”
When you realize someone is unable/unwilling to meet your needs it’s usually best to move on.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
The goal is to have a “soulmate” not a cellmate.
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***”If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.”*** – Unknown
***”Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”*** – Oscar Wilde
***”When you start seeing your worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around people who don’t.”*** – Unknown
***”It’s hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter, but the story must go on.”*** – Thomas Wilder
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
You are only 22!! years old. Go out live your life, have fun! Dump this guy, you already waisted 6months on him, dont do it any longer!
You are too focused on what he thinks or wants.
Let me tell you this as direct as possible. He wants you only for sex.
This is no way to have a relationship. What I can tell from what you wrote in this post, is that there isn’t much of a relationship here anyway. Sounds more like a friends with benefits. If you are OK with that, continue with your relationship. If not, I would recommend breaking things off. There are some things that cannot be done by persuasion.
Sorry for sounding this harsh, and don’t take it personal.
Best of luck.
Dude sounds pretty shitty
Your relationship wants/needs/styles don’t match. This will not change, I promise. Even if he was totally infatuated, my guess is he still wouldn’t meet what it is you’re wanting because that’s simply not who he is. You can’t “fix” it, because it’s not an objective problem. It’s who he is. Let it go, and find someone who is better suited to the relationship you want.
Dont you know relationships are supposed to be a 2 way street? He should be visiting you as well. Him making excuses not to is lame. You need to just leave. . . .hoping someone will magically give you a bigger portion of his time is pointless and will just make you miserable
25M, I just had nearly the same experience with my ex who I’m still currently talking to. She just turned 23 and we’ve known each other since June. Constant disappointment. All the time. Lack of communication, lack of effort to see me, it’s maybe once a week at best. Constant arguments and gaslighting when I bring up something that upsets me. I want more, I don’t want to be disappointed and anxious all the time. I want better communication.
I had fallen in love with the IDEA of her and who I made her out to be in my head, not the person she truly is. It sounds like you may have done the same thing. Honestly, it’s not what you want, and it’s tough, but you should move on and find someone who gives you what you want.
Look at me, the pot calling the kettle black. I should leave too, I have already tried many times, then she apologizes and convinces me to continue talking to her. I don’t understand.
OP, if you leave him, I’ll leave her too. Let’s do what’s right for us together 😂
The idea of being exclusive with someone without actually being in a relationship is so stupid. Like why are you owing loyalty to someone that just wants you around their finger. Anytime someone asks to be exclusive in the early stages is a red flag and trust me. While you may be loyal they aren’t. It’s the stupidest thing to come out of modern dating and so many people fall for it
Your a fuck buddy and that’s it.
Move on. He’s not interested.
The only portion you’re overthinking is the texting. I personally won’t date someone that needs that much texting attention. It’s an addiction that I don’t feel obliged to feed.
However, on the flip side, in-person interaction I place emphasis on quality which he isn’t doing. Question. Have you planned out any dates or made an effort to do things on your end?
So…. What do you actually “really like” about this guy?
From what you’ve described it doesn’t seem like you have fun when you’re together or when you’re apart.
You’re constantly arguing or being ignored and even when you’re together you just sit around bored at his place while he does his own thing. He doesn’t value or respect your thoughts and feelings regarding communication or activities. I’m finding it hard to imagine why you see value in this relationship.
I have two questions:
– you said you like him. what do you like about him (genuine question)?
– are you afraid he’s with you just for sex?
Either he is just screwing with you, or your needs don’t align. Either way, it sounds like it’s not the best place for you.
Classic narcissist behavior. He’s breadcrumbing you and wasting your time.
He wants to keep you on the hook while doing NOTHING to retain you and keep his options open while gaslighting you.
This is a situationship, at best. The guy is a low-effort loser.
By his account, since you’re not even “dating”, there’s no need to even break up with him. **Just block and delete him without a word and stop seeing him entirely.**
And, please, consider therapy. Your self-esteem seems incredibly low to put up with ~6 months of this kind of treatment! 💀
Lastly, be incredibly cautious with dudes that are 4+ years older than you. You’re just out of college and their hitting their 30s. These guys typically only want one thing and that one thing ain’t good.
I don’t know what his motivations are, but imagine a situation where he didn’t want to ever be in a relationship with you but was afraid to tell you so would rather wait for you to cut it off, how would his behaviors differ from what they are now?
Don’t become exclusive if he doesn’t want to date, unless you’re together and he’s putting in effort his words don’t mean anything. He might even be secretly seeing other people while keeping you to himself.
I would break things off with him. I talked to a guy for a few months that was like this, said he liked me and wasn’t talking to anyone else. I told my friend about it and she asked for his number and reached out pretending to have the wrong number for a guy she was supposed to be going on a date with, he immediately started putting the moves on her and sent her a pic of himself and said he wasn’t talking to anyone at the moment.
So yeah. No effort is a big red flag, saying he doesn’t have time for you is a big red flag and not really caring about how you feel is a big red flag. Not saying he’s doing the same thing, but it’s possible.
My dear friend you are 22 how can you possibly be angry and controlling about texting.. if you are unhappy go find another guy trust me there are millions of them out there .. so much wasted energy on another human being when you should be enjoying the prime of your life right this minute.. not chasing up under some 27 year old guy
He does not sound very interested in you. If he was, you would be getting more attention from him. You are getting into arguments because you want him to treat you a certain way and give you attention—— he is not that into you. Move on.
How much value do you put on yourself? Get what you think you’re worth or get out. Don’t settle for some chump that’s doing the bare minimum, go after someone who is going to fulfill your needs and prioritize you in the relationship. Anything less and you’re settling.
He doesn’t like texting, respect that or find someone who does like it. Who wants to spend all that time on their device shelling out comfort? Bothersome is correct.
What if he was constantly texting you and you didn’t like it? Not get the ick? Ya ok.
Let the chips fall where they are or leave.
Not a match. Move on.
Relationship is not to expect someone to please you and make you happy. If I would say: try to please him and make him happy, I’d earn a load of angry comments. But this seems to be what you expect him to do. If you’re not happy with the situation like it is, you have to change your expectations or the guy. He definitely will not/can’t change…….
You are not over thinking, you are having trouble resolving a difference of needs. It sounds like you both have different ways of expressing yourselves romantically, which just arent in alignmemt. I’m afraid to say he won’t change until he decides it’s to his benefit to do so and unfortunately it might take you walking away for him to realize that. Even then, dont walk away with an intent of getting him to change or do anything- necause youve been hooked into a pattern, he may never be able to change with you, even if he tried. You can only account for yourself and what your are willing to accept and give in any given situation. He may not want or feel the need to change, ever, and he may expect that his needs are easy to find compatability with and are “drama free”. That may be so, but if it were me, i would wish him the best of luck with that and move on.
You deserve a relationship that matches what you bring to the table and I believe you can find it, if you get clear with yourself on it and establish some boundaries about what you will and wont enjoy in a partner. He may very well be a stand up guy, who has alot of great things going on, and that’s great for him, as you should also have things going on that make you, you…but a relationship is a 3rd entity or space that two people create together. Some people like a more laid back approach, some people like a more engaged one and everything in between. Most likely you wont find everything in one person, so you have to weigh out whether it adds up to a positive at the end of the day for you. If its a close contest, be weary of how much “wiggle room” you do or dont have. Sometimes it means you have to walk away from a wonderful person because giving up parts of yourself to be in a relationship 100% on someone else’s terms is a recipe for heartache down the road.
It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it outta sight 🎶
Why do you like him?
I have literally had this exact same scenario happen to me to me. We were exclusive for 4.5 months, and broke up like a week ago. Like the exact same scenario with the genders reversed 🤣. ill tell u right now she didn’t have time for me so eventually we had to drop it and It hurt pretty bad for me. If you want any deets dm me, maybe my story can help lol
You’re being used for sex