This is a mildly long post, very rough TL;DR at the bottom.
Hey everyone, I (30m) am having a hard time trying to figure out what ways that I can best support my wife (29f) after she quit her job to better her mental health. A couple thing to take note of:
1. This wasn’t a unilateral move, we discussed the positives and negatives of her doing this and we both wanted her to quit.
2. I am able to take care of all of our monthly expenses with a little left over each month, and my wife has enough savings to take care of any conceivable emergencies
3. My wife has generalized anxiety disorder that she takes medicine for.
Initially my wife quit a high stress job she held for 9 years. After a month or so off from that she was offered a position at my employer and they underplayed what that jobs responsibilities were. She eventually left this position as well for the very same reasons as the first job, there were more high pressure situations than what they led her to believe.
She does what she can to fill her time at home with things like indulging in her baking hobby a bit more than before, she keeps the house clean, she takes care of our dogs (them boys are everything to us) and has plans to start a small baking side business this june (farmers market) and to seek mental health care via counseling/ therapy to compound with the medicine she takes. She also wants us both to improve our physical health as well. I am all about every bit of this and will participate to the fullest extent.
But currently, my wife is feeling really down on herself and/or depressed. She has said she feels like a loser, a schmuck, a bum, or any thing of those sorts because she isnt working, and it deeply breaks my heart. I don’t want her to equate her worth as my partner or as a person based on what she financially brings in or what employment she has. The first time she quit, she was much more positive about not working and the plans I mentioned above. But after she quit her second job, she said she feels like it isn’t the work that was the problem, she feels as though she is the issue.
The counseling and side gig will give her a sense of purpose and improve her mindset, but those will take some time. Especially the side gig since that’s several months out. I want her to feel like the winner I know she is. Is there anything I can do to improve her views of herself or to make her feel better until then? Is there anything you would recommend for her to do?
TL;DR my wife quit her job due to stress and feels depressed now. Need some suggestions to help her out.
Sorry if this was kind of rambling or formatted poorly. I have pretty intense ADHD and tend to get lost in though. I also typed this out on my phone using my fat fingers.
2 comments
Remind her that self care and self love is important, and that this time in her life does not make her lazy or worthless. Encourage her to take bubble baths, to be kind to herself, spend time with herself. Does she have any hobbies? She can use this time to dive into things that she is passionate about. If she doesn’t have one, it’s a perfect time to find one! Get creative, reinstate her childhood wonder, it will help her reconnect with herself and feel more like herself.
I have personally been through something very similar, I purchased a large sketch book and everyday I would “paint my feelings”, good or bad. I love looking back on that book now, it was a very therapeutic time. Also took up knitting which is fun too lol.
She is definitely NOT a loser. What she is doing is actually very brave and admirable. She is prioritizing HERSELF by doing this. For so long she equated her self worth with work, she now must unravel that and understand that her worth is within her uniqueness, her passions, her character, and her values.
I’m sure you remind her often, so now you just need to help her see it. When you hear her say these negative things about herself, shut it down! Look into the power of words. What she speaks will become true, it will become what she believes. Guide her through positive self talk every time you hear her say something negative, have her say allowed that she is not those things, and then remind her of who she IS and have her say THAT allowed instead.
I quit my job in my last relationship partly because it wasn’t fulfilling, partly because my now ex gave me an ultimatum. Honestly she wasn’t great about being supportive because of a tendency to reflect negative feelings, though she did things she thought she *should* do, they just weren’t the things I asked for. With that in mind, I think the biggest thing that would have helped would have been her listening to what I was asking for.
Sometimes it’s hard to name specifics, so asking what would help your wife (if she hasn’t told you) won’t likely be productive, but maybe you can ask what makes her feel proud of herself, what makes her feel capable, what makes her feel supported, etc. I really wish my ex-spouse would have asked me those questions.
General continued positive interactions and just making sure she knows you’re still there is also nice. I just wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone. And then stuff like checking in and sending funny pictures, songs, etc., helped/helps me, I think, because it takes my mind off things. And I mean that not in the complete distraction way, but in the “maybe things will be ok” way, like life is bigger than my job. The few times my ex did that made a big impact on those days.