Hi there. I hope this is specific enough, but it could get flagged as “opinion gathering” or be the wrong place in general for this.
I (31F) have never dated anyone before, and I’m wondering if I actually want to (or should) date this guy (33M) I met on a dating app. There are lots of reasons why I avoided dated, I’m sure even some reasons that people will speculate on their own. But the simplest and probably best reason I can give is well…I just didn’t have an interest.
Slight backstory. I never got asked out in high school and realize I did not recognize signs of flirting in my senior year until it was too late. Not a big deal to me. But even when I entered university and I had a few guys show clear interest, I always felt flattered for a few hours, but never progressed with anything. My interest just faded. I’ve always been very career focused, so I never wanted to get attached to someone that might prevent me from being able to move wherever I needed to for a job.
I have honestly spent my entire 20’s on additional educational and trying to establish myself in a field of my interest. I enjoy my current job and is it slightly in line with my past studies. But I wouldn’t say it’s my dream job, so I could see myself trying something new in the future.
I never once regretted avoiding the dating scene or even avoiding hookups in my 20’s. However, after 2 years of enjoying becoming settled in my new location and career, I FINALLY started to think about a potential partner after turning 30. I don’t know why so late. I can only assume that after I finally checked off a bunch of my goals, I now had the time to sit around and think about it.
I had tried to pull up dating apps from time to time, but didn’t have the courage for over a year to swipe right on ANYONE. Sometimes it was probably anxiety when I found someone of interest, other times I might just have been overthinking things. I realize I “like” how the vast majority of men look, but it’s incredibly rare for me to actually find one I find personally attractive. I decided after awhile that it would be best if I focused more on profile descriptions rather than appearance. My hope is that if I connect with someone well enough, then I SHOULD become attracted to them…I hope.
I turned 31 last year, and decided to make it one of many 2023 new years resolutions to finally go on a date. I managed to work up the courage to commit to one dating app, swipe a good chunk of men (after vetting profiles) and wait to see what happens. It was a small net cast but I’m happy to say that there was one guy (33M) who I’ve made a connection with. We have similar interests, and he’s also introverted and understands when I need space. He’s not rushing anything, but he was the one who asked if we could do a facetime or meetup.
I decided to meetup at a cafe in person after chatting for a week or two, and we talked for a good few hours. Lots of same nerdy interests, compatible views on religion and politics, and we’re both in a very similar situation being new to dating. Honestly, I really couldn’t have asked for a better match. We both agreed it went well and that we’d like to meetup again (but decide later).
However, despite all this…once I got home after some shopping, I started to feel a little weird. Kind of sad and upset. Not at my match or even how the meetup went…but at the concept of dating in general. The concept of letting someone else in. It’s weird. I had spent the last year and half trying to figure out what I felt was missing in my life. After all the horror stories I had heard with using dating apps and meeting new people, I got handed the perfect first experience. But before even walking into the cafe today, I remember almost HOPING to get rejected so that I just…wouldn’t have to worry about moving forward. Who even does that when they’re actively trying to get a date?
To be honest, I feel like there’s a variety of factors that could be at play here. Don’t worry, no trauma involving inappropriate touching or anything like that at least. Personal connections are just something I naturally struggle with. I have trouble honestly keeping in contact with even own my friends and family to begin with due to physical distance. I don’t always go out of my way to try to hang out more with local friends either. If I have a partner, I worry about giving them the right amount of attention. Especially when this is trying to find someone you want to live with eventually. But even the very idea of “someone else living with me” makes me feel…upset.
I have GENUINELY been enjoying the single life. I’ve felt down at times lately, and I thought maybe it was because I wanted someone special I could chat with, play boardgames or go to the movies with finally. A little more special than a friend…at least I thought more than a friend.
In terms of role models around me, there’s a mix. Some friends still single, some married. Some that have had had few but long relationships, others with a new relationship every year. I’ve got one sibling starting up dating again, one sibling in a happy marriage, and my parents (after years of what SEEMED like a happy marriage) divorced almost 2 years ago. There’s also other family drama right now and things in my own life I want to either improve or progress further with. I have honestly considered getting a therapist for a few years now, but never had anything concrete to go and say why. I’ve been thinking lately if there are therapists for “connecting with people,” that might be what I need.
But getting back on topic, I have all these intrusive thoughts that make me wonder: “How long should I keep meeting with my match to see if things will work out?”
I hate the idea of wasting anyone’s time. I genuinely don’t know if people prefer that their match at least gives them a few chances to see how things go, or would prefer to avoid their time being wasted. I also was an idiot who didn’t think to wait until AFTER Valentine’s Day to try using the dating app. I don’t want a Valentine’s date, or to dump someone on Valentine’s Day.
I definitely can say I liked the guy, but I don’t feel any love. I have no frame of reference to know when or if that will even happen. My mind is fighting between two concepts right now:
“Calm down, you’re being too hasty. This is your first time even attempting to date someone and you won’t know for sure if a partner is something you want until you give a genuine attempt to include someone more intimately into your life. And no one likes to be left high and dry after one meetup anyway.”
OR
“Honey, you are a walking red flag. You clearly have some things you need to sort out first. Just relax and focus on yourself for now. Maybe in the future you’ll find someone else, but there’s no need to rush. If the concept of dating is upsetting you, that’s all you need to know.”
I find it kind of hilarious to think that “I” as an inexperienced 31F…may not be ready yet for dating. So that’s kind of why I wanted to see what other people think. Stranger opinions can be…50/50 at times when they only get so many details, but sometimes people with an outside perspective can see things a little clearer.
One other thing I should mention, is that I was at least honest with my match at the end of the meetup. I said if I were to break this off (and I would be direct, not ghost him), the most likely reason would be because I’m just not feeling like dating is what I want to do right now. Not with him and possibly not with anyone for awhile. With that said, I don’t know if I should just ask him directly how many chances he wants to have before we make a decision.
TLDR: I (31F) have no experience dating and am having negative/intrusive thoughts pushing me away from the idea constantly. I made a New Year’s resolution to go on a date, and my (33M) match on a dating app was very compatible with me. I’m not sure if I’m being too hasty to try to call it quits or if I am pushing myself into a relationship I don’t actually want.
2 comments
So…1), not sure if you’ve ever wandered out that way, but if you’ve never poked your head into r/aromanticasexual or one of the related subreddits, you might find some people (like me!) who have kind of similar experiences, even if you don’t identify that way. 🙂
2), it feels like you’re focusing a LOT of expectations onto this one experience that probably don’t need to be there. You’re not going to go on one date and be forced into a marriage with five kids, I promise. You both get a vote on whether you want to be in each others’ lives after that, and you *both* have to agree on what form that takes. If you end up feeling like you’d be better off with friends, that’s okay. If you feel like you *really* like this guy and that your dreams have shifted so that he’s now in how you see your future, that’s okay too. This gets to take the path that you both decide you want it to take, not what you see other people doing–that’s what’s right for them. You have to decide what’s right for you.
It sounds like you might be asexual or a romantic. I wonder if you’ve had sex before and if you enjoyed it?
It sounds like it might be a good time to get a therapist to help you talk this all through, and help you figure out if you’re asexual, a romantic, just very independent but would ideally like a partner, or neither of the first two but would prefer not to have a partner.
Any of those are fine and normal.
I will say that usually you don’t feel anything after one date, that’s normal. I think people don’t usually feel “love” until they’ve been dating someone (like a date once a week or more) for… idk, 2-6 months? And some people longer. So that’s very normal. It’s also okay to go for a few dates with someone and then tell them you’d just prefer to be friends (or don’t want to see them again).