My girlfriend (F22) and I (NB22) have been together for ~9 months now. We’ve been having sex problems for a while now, and I’m getting worried that it may be a broader incompatibility problem rather than a rough patch. The first couple months things were really good, but since then, the frequency of sex has decreased dramatically, and the amount of times I help her achieve orgasm versus her doing the same for me is lopsided.
We don’t live together, although I usually spend 2 – 4 nights a week with her depending on how busy we are. We have sex 1 – 2 times a month, on average. I made a post a few months ago discussing how she’d often initiate physical intimacy with me, and then back out saying she’s too tired or depressed to continue. We’ve talked about this, and while it still does happen, it hasn’t been as frequent as it was then.
The main issue currently as that it seems like it’s a lot harder for her to give me an orgasm than it is for me to do the same for her. This month, we’ve been intimate 4 times, once where we we also tried penetrative. Three of the times I fingered her until she was satisfied, but that was the end of it. The first time was the biggest orgasm I’d ever given her, and things came to an unexpected halt because she squirted all over my sheets (she didn’t expect to) and I had to wash them. The other two times were in the shower, and once we got out of the shower the mood had subsided and it was already late. The one time that we tried PIV, I had already fingered her and given her an orgasm, but once I was trying it became very uncomfortable/painful for her. We tried different angles/positions as well as adding lube but nothing worked for her, so we stopped.
I know that she’s really worried about her ability to please me. Her roommates have both also gotten partners recently, and she’s told me they often have sex and can hear them, so I think she’s just been feeling extra frustrated about it. I’ve reassured her that I love her and don’t plan on breaking up with her over sexual incompatibility, but at the same time, it’s hard not to feel it weighing on me. She’s given me one orgasm in the last two months. I’m trying to figure out what other things would be best for us. She’ll give blowjobs but she doesn’t want me to finish in her mouth (which I respect and never have), and when she gives handjobs she tends to tire quickly. I’m trying to masturbate/watch porn less to see if this helps, but we haven’t done very much since I’ve started doing that so I don’t know if it’s a valuable change yet. Any advice would be appreciated, whether that be other things I can try, or other steps I should take if this doesn’t seem like it can be fixed. I’d appreciate any perspective on this, I’m feeling at a loss right now. Thank you!
3 comments
Maybe try intentionally setting time aside for sexual intimacy, not setting dates in the calendar or something but being more mindful about where the potential time slots are in the time you spend together
It sounds like you haven’t had a ton of opportunity for trying things out and learning what works for the two of you yet.
From what you write, it seems like you have been more active and hands on it your sex life, if she is also worried about her ability to please you, you should make put the focus on your experience.
If you have no problem reaching orgasm/having fun while masturbating, try talking with your gf about that, tell or show her what you like to do, maybe talk about the kind of porn you like watching and if there is anything you’d like to try out.
If your gf knows more about what you like, she’ll know what to do and how to please you.
You could also in general try filling out online kink quizzes together, talking about your fantasies and what you wish for in your sexual life.
PIV didn’t work in the past but it’s something you can try again if both of you want
1. Don’t stop your own masturbation habits because of this. Remember that your sex life is *yours* doesn’t mean you can’t be monogamous, but you should always maintain a sexual connection with yourself.
People always demonize masturbation or porn, it all still comes from a baseline of religious/pseudo-puritanical propaganda. Masturbation is good for you, it’s not the cause of your problems. Yes can you do it too much? Sure of course. You can also run too much that your knees wear down and you have a heart attack.
2. Decide now for sure if you’re willing to be patient or not to get through this. What happens if you *never* have the sex life you want with her? Can you be okay with that? What sort of progress would you like to see to make that okay? Know what those things are. Also, don’t deny the truth under the guise of “being a good person” if a bad sex life is a deal breaker for you, it’s a deal breaker and that’s okay. Just don’t lie to yourself about it.
If you are willing to be patient, take any amount of time you think is reasonable to see progress and double it. Minimum. Remember, our cultures do fked up things to people and their connection to their sexuality and she’s fighting all sorts of shame, depression, self-doubt, social pressure/judgement etc thats making this hard for her.
3. Do less regarding your sexual satisfaction with her. It’s already clear, she knows you’re not fully sexually satisfied, she knows she’s not doing enough, and right now she’s not rising to meet the pressure, she’s crumbling under it.
From now on, if you can tell she’s not into it, and isn’t gonna reciprocate, encourage her to stop, be positive, loving, and upbeat, and take care of things for yourself later. **Do not** pile on guilt, disappointment, etc, again, ***she knows*** it’s not helping. Also it’s not surprising for you at this point because you kinda know the current status quo. The main thing is being supportive, often progress is occurring it’s just too small to be worth telling you about or too small for it to be meaningful changes in her performance right away. She needs confidence right now, and constant reminders of her being a disappointment (not saying you’re piling it on, but even little indications of disappointment or frustration matter) can be overly discouraging for her and stop progress.
4. Talk about sex, continue to talk about it. Focus on sex as exploration, sex as a set of skills and practices. She can learn to be good at these things if she wants to, and part of that requires patience, and part of it may require a conversation along the lines of *getting down on yourself isn’t gonna make this better practicing will*.
Also talk about having *bad sex* not every time are you both gonna be into it, etc. Especially in when trying new things and practicing skills. But again it’s like any skill, you push to make some progress and sometimes that works better than other times.
5. Ask if she would like you to give tips and pointers in the moment or outside of sex to make things feel better for you. If she starts to get down on herself, reassure her and say, not we everyone can just read other people and what they like and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean we csnt lean together.
If she wants pointers, make them clear, make them specific and helpful, don’t pile on all at once unless she specifically wants feedback in that way.
Short & sweet (and probably an opinion you don’t want to hear)… but you’re far too young to be having sex 1-2 times per month 😩, you’re in your prime!
There should be passion still, only 9 months into a relationship & you don’t even live together?! If there’s issues now, imagine when you’re years in
You need to be honest about your feelings with her, and if she doesn’t want to meet you half way, then you really should move on with your life