We’ve been together for 6 years now. When we first started dating, he didn’t have missing teeth, but he hadn’t been to see a dentist in probably 15 years. Within the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that he’s been losing teeth, and now no longer has front teeth. Sometimes I’ll question if he’s drunk because he’s slurring his words, but I think it’s just a lisp from not having front teeth. All of his teeth are in bad shape. Now that they’re in the condition they’re in, I find it very unattractive. I don’t even care if someone has straight or perfect teeth, but I want to be with someone that cares enough about themselves to at least have teeth. I’ve talked to him about it many times. I’ve even told him I’d help pay for them, and it’s been over a year and nothing has changed.
My sister has a wedding at the end of this year, and he hasn’t met a lot of my extended family. I don’t want my family thinking I’m with some loser that can’t take care of himself. So I told him last Oct. that if he hadn’t made any effort to go to the dentist by June of this year, that I’m done. I have standards for myself and this is a non-negotiable for me. He gets furious with me whenever I bring it up now, to the point that I’m afraid to even bring it up anymore. Am I a jerk for giving him this ultimatum? Any suggestions for me?
TLDR: My boyfriend has missing teeth, front-top and bottom. He won’t do anything to fix them even though I’ve offered to pay or help pay, so I gave him an ultimatum… fix them, or I’m done. Am I a jerk? Is this a pretty common non negotiable?
31 comments
You’re not a jerk. He might have a severe dental phobia, and/or may feel like he can’t afford to get it fixed. But you’re not required to just put up with that either.
Is he neglecting himself in any other ways? Like showering, exercising etc. I don’t think you’re a jerk for wanting him to take care of himself.
It would be a deal breaker for me. If it is for you, end it now.
No you’re not a jerk. Bad dental hygiene is not only unattractive but unhealthy. How can you stand to kiss him? Does your tongue just end up licking all over his gums? Do you let this man go down on you? 🤢
He may have a phobia. Does he know there’s sedation dentistry?
I don’t think this is about being a jerk or not, but I’d say if you truly are fine with dumping him based only on his teeth, this isn’t a great relationship overall.
It’s been six years, so if you’re happier without him for *whatever reason*, it’s best to go your separate ways than waste more of your time or his.
I thont think your in thhe wrong here. You even offered to thay. Thuum people are jusss lathy.
I agree with all the other commenters that this is huge red flag – but want to add that fixing his dental issues will cost tens of thousands of dollars and take years of regular work and maintenance. I don’t know exactly what country you’re in but one implant alone is thousands, not including all the other extractions fillings etc he would need. One implant could take up to a year to complete. And that’s one tooth.
This will not change. If he wasn’t willing to fix the issues as they arose in the past, is it likely he will suddenly stand up and put in considerably more work to fix it now? I don’t think so.
Does he or has he ever had issues with drug dependency? I believe the front teeth being the most decayed can sometimes be a result of drug use.
If you’re not comfortable with your bf’s dental situation, then that’s just how it is. You’ve been with him for 6 years now, and you’ve tried to help, but he still won’t make an effort to fix the problem. Giving him an ultimatum is def not being a jerk, it’s just setting boundaries for yourself.
As for the upcoming wedding, don’t worry about what your family thinks. If they judge you for being with someone who has missing teeth, then they’re not worth your time. At the end of the day, you need to be happy with the person you’re with, and if his dental situation is bothering you that much, then you need to do what’s best for yourself.
If you really want to help him out, maybe try setting up a dentist appointment for him or finding a way to help him pay for it. But if he still refuses to go, then you have to stick to your ultimatum and move on. You gotta have standards, bro. It’s all good.
Break up, sounds gross
Its not just his teeth. That kind of neglect can lead to heart problems. He needs to see someone and get started on fixing them. IV sedation can be used if he has a severe phobia.
You’ve done all you can do. He doesn’t care about what you want and need.
These stories get faker every day. Where do you women find these losers??
The health of your teeth is directly related to the health of your heart. I wouldn’t want to devote my life to a person who might die early due to their willful negligence. I think your ultimatum is fair. He probably needs to speak to a therapist or something regarding his refusal to seek treatment for a clear problem. A person with a healthy mind doesn’t stop taking care of their teeth to the point where they’re literally falling out of their head and then go “Oh well I guess this is my life now.”
I hope he gets the help he needs. It’s painful to watch someone you love fall apart.
He may have an untreated medical condition that is causing his to fall out. He should get it checked. (I remember one of the cast members from “Stanger Things” ..a young man had to wear dentures.
It is also very expensive to get your teeth fixed. So this may also be the reason.
Talk to him about your concerns for his health.
You haven’t been intimate in 3 years?! Out of 5?
Well, more needs fixing here than just his teeth. Stop wasting your time. There’s only more disappointment and misery waiting down the line.
If he is the man for you, fine, that’s your choice. But he’s not going to change who he is for you. What you see now is what you get.
Leave don’t waste your time. That’s basic hygiene not being superficial, and is a deal breaker for me. the fool won’t even help himself even after you offer to help cover the cost.
[removed]
Chrisean Rock has 24 hours to respond.
Bro this man is falling apart and doesn’t care enough to take care of him self even at the expense of others. I would run away. What future is there with a person like this?
My former boss had a brother who died because of an untreated tooth abscess. It lead to blood poisoning. Please absolutely make this a hill to die on.
I don’t think you’re being a jerk. Teeth are important and (while it might seem unkind) I couldn’t imagine being with someone who had rotting and falling out teeth. There’s something visceral about that.
When you combine that with the ED that you mention elsewhere do you really want to be spending more time in this relationship? Find someone who cares about themselves, because this guy doesn’t.
I 100% understand and agree with you. Beyond how unattractive it is, and how (sorry) embarrassing it can be. It’s also really disgusting to kiss somebody with rutting teeth. I have no idea how are you putting up with it but you’re far kinder than I would ever be.
Bonus question: do you really want to live your life with somebody that so severally depressed and or careless that he doesn’t do the bare minimum in oral care?
If you must – del the funkee homosapien
You’re understimating the issue imho
My father got dental prosthesis a good 10 years ago. He signed a mortgage to get them, and if he didn’t die 3 years ago, he would still be paying them
Also, I can’t describe the nights of pain he went through for having literal screws sticked in his gums
It’s fair that you don’t want a partner with missing teeth, but it’s also fair for him to not want to go through this lenghty, uncomfortable, painful and expensive procedure
The longer he waits the more expensive the dental work will be.
It also affects your overall health.
Does he smoke? If he does he should quit. Which is a whole other issue…
I think the ultimatum is actually too long. If it has been years and he isn’t doing anything even when you kindly offered to help pay… what more should he need?
Also, your health is important too. If you kiss, any periodontal disease he may have can be contagious and affect you..
It’s interesting how we get so used to just putting up with things that bother us about other people and don’t realize how bad it was until you are away from them.
There were 2 stories that stood out.
One guy marveled at how amazing it was to date woman who’s hair smelled good. His ex rarely washed her hair because she didn’t think it was good for her??
The other was a woman developed a little crush on a co worked after she said he smelled so clean and amazing it made her heart race. Her husband only showered like 1-2 a week because her worked from home so felt, why bother. Imagine coming home to a smelly husband? Ewwww!
Dental work is obscenely expensive. It was less expensive for my sister to go to Mexico 3 times to get her dental work done.
I can smell his teeth from here. You were gracious to let him know your boundary. Rather than saying fix your teeth or I’m leaving you could express it as you will not date someone that refuses to take care of themselves.
Did he brush his teeth? I can’t imagine my teeth falling out of my head and reacting with a shrug.
This sounds hot.
Honestly, the fact that he doesn’t want to get major dental work done doesn’t seem crazy to me. Some people have a serious phobia. Some people can’t afford it. Coming from a hockey-playing land as I do (I and all of my friends have lost teeth along the way) I would have thought that he could at least get a removable bridge or something done so that he isn’t gap-toothed during the day. Those aren’t crazy expensive or invasive.
His teeth are also going to shift if he does nothing, and cause an absolute scene.
Personally, it’s the fact that he hasn’t been to the dentist for 15 years that blows me away. That’s gross. That’s a health problem. He needs to pull his shit together.
Eww. You do know that if he has gum disease he can pass that bacteria to you through kissing?