Hi.
Some context: been together 14 months, from the start he told me we don’t need to know anything about our pasts if it’s not relevant, fine.
Theres a girl he’s mentioned quite frequently that he’s said he knows from work. He meets her for walks, coffee, lunch etc just them two, which is fine ofc. Last night he told me they’re actually ex’s. He claimed he didn’t think it was that relevant as they dated for a few months a few years ago and they’re friends now, she’s in her own relationship etc. But that he didn’t want me to think he was hiding anything so was trying to pick a right time to tell me…we’ve been together over a year.
I was and still am so upset. I asked him how would he feel if roles were reversed and he said that he trusts me and I said this isn’t about trust, it’s disrespectful and frankly shady. I told him yes I don’t need to know everything about his past but if you’re hanging out with actual EX’S on a regular basis, you should tell me. I told him I’d feel guilty if I was doing what he did and tbh I would never do it anyway because I respect him and you have to set boundaries when you’re in relationships.
I feel like I’ve lost some trust in him now? I want to believe him and move forward but this is a very messed up situation
5 comments
You trust him because he came to you and told you about her. Perhaps if you reflect you can remember other displays of character that show that he is prioritizing you?
Edit:
on second thought, he’s been lying by omission. Take that as you will, but it’d be hard to gain your trust after such a long lie.
Break up with them.
I would wonder what finally brought him to tell you. You said he was waiting for the right time but what made that the right time?
Did this friend confess feelings? Did they have too much to drink one night together and step over a boundary? Did this friend break up with her recent partner and was suddenly single? Did the friend maybe get engaged and he was upset and jealous and realized he maybe had feelings for her?
Also, have you ever met this friend?
You can’t trust him. Any dude that comes out of the gate like: Hey yeah we don’t need to disclose things that aren’t “relevant” are a whole red flag and that’s his **ex**, he lied to you about for over a year. There is no relationship without trust that is just pain at that point. You always do a disservice to yourself going “I love them but xyz”. My ex told me around the same time that he had sex with one of his friends that I saw on a weekly basis and it turns out he was hiding other things from me too. So now he’s an ex.
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Edit: he picked the time because he rationalized that you’d already be too attached to leave.
Does he work with her too? How frequently do they hang out? I don’t disagree with him about not needing to go into every detail, but the emphasis was strange and now feels suspect. Why didn’t he just tell you in the first place? I am guessing the real reason was he didn’t want to have you upset, which clearly backfired. So whether anything is going on or not, he needs to address the fact that you won’t be able to trust him if he’s not willing to have tough conversations.
I think the next step sounds like a double date