We have been married for 8 years. Which, yes, means I was 20 and he was 29. I actually was 19 when we met. A mutual friend introduced us and lied about the age difference, when we found out there was a gap it was “too late and already in love.” I became pregnant 4 months in and we have a 7 year old who is my delight.
The yelling and blaming started just a few weeks into our relationship. I have story after story of him going just feral. Years and years and years of this man going off without rhyme or reason. The most minuscule being I cut a few trees down in Animal Crossing without his permission. The biggest is a missed house mortgage payment. I was blamed and reprimanded for both and everything in between. Anything under the sun has set this man off. He’s yelled at every holiday and birthday and trip we have taken.
I have been doing research for years now about Narcissists and he fits the role very well. Handsome and charismatic up front but a scary, mean man behind closed doors. Two years ago (9/22/21) after he yelled at me about “not being more enthusiastic” about sex I told him that if the yelling and manipulation doesn’t stop, I am leaving. He got better.
Then didn’t. So I told him a second time. This stops- or I am leaving. He stopped.
For a week.
We recently moved across the country, something we wanted to do and have planned on. Literally the night before we are supposed to leave, he picks a huge fight with me. I told him I wasn’t going to move and somehow he convinced me to go. (Tbh I like the state we are in now. I am happy for a fresh start)
To my (not?) surprise he didn’t stop. Christmas Eve he worked until 4, got home around 5 ish? My son and I had the house all set up, steak dinner and cookies baking. The vibe is nice. Husband gets home and we greet him, but he needs to look at the bank account real quick. One thing leads to another and he’s yelling and berating me again.
And I just snapped. I have been completely broken and checked out emotionally from this marriage. I told him I’m done and moving out. He cried. And apologized. I don’t believe him anymore. I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again. This life is easy for him. I do everything childcare, household and hold a part time job. He works full time and spends about 2-3 hrs a day at the gym. (I don’t have a gym membership and that I’m bitter about). In my head I’m thinking “I can do all of this myself” and if it’s just me and our son, there’s no one to yell!
All in all. I’m having a hard time trusting my own judgment. It’s emotional and mental abuse, neglect and toxic. I need to get out for my sake and mostly for the sake of our son. I hope it’s not too late.
43 comments
Hey. You’re with an abusive man. They will always be so charming when called out or if you threaten to leave. He’s not going to change. I left for my boys. I didn’t have the right to raise boys who believed it was okay to treat a woman as I was being treated. You’re raising a boy to become an abusive man. Not okay. I know the cycle. Yelling, berating and calling you names. You lay down a line in the sand and it gets better until it slowly but surely begins again and it’s worse. My ex didn’t come after me physically until after the divorce. I got inside and locked the door and called police. You need to leave. For your son. For yourself. Be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time. I’m happy to listen if you want to message me.
It’s not going to stop cause he sees that you’ll continue to give him more chances in the future if you stay. I hope you take your into consideration over this and think of the how she’s going to grow up thinking it’s okay for anyone to act like this.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the few disorders that there is considered no cure or even viable treatment for. In all studies with narcissism there have been been few tbt (talk based therapy) that might be effective for better coping and self awareness for narcissists, but not decreasing the whole *narcissistic* part.
What it sounds like he is doing (purposefully mind you) is called love bombing. Where whenever they get caught or someone is trying to disconnect or unmesh themselves from the narcissist, they will change behavior (not because they want to get better but because they want the results that it will give them) for as long as they think it takes to make the other person think they’ve changed or get stuck more and more into the relationship. Happens a lot with parents with personality disorders towards their grown children.
To put it simply, you are in an abusive marriage. Would you let your child be treated the way you are being treated? Your sister? Best friend? A stranger? No. Nothing you have written above sounds even remotely healthy. The start of your relationship was due to manipulation and lies and the continuation of your relationship is due to manipulation and lies.
People don’t really change, not without a lot of conscious dedicated effort and work.
Divorces take time, there’s steps in between- it’s not like looking in a mirror, saying divorce 3 times, and your lawyer pops out with the paperwork ready to sign and execute. Get some space, grab everything that’s important to you: important papers, photo albums, sentimental items, things you’ll need for a new life you’d strongly prefer not to replace: put it into a storage unit. Regardless of what happens with your current house (he leaves or you leave) you’ll have access to those priority items that are out of his access to take. Change your passwords.
Try being single on, see what it feels like- get that gym membership you want.
I’m glad to see you’re in tune that leaving is also on behalf of your child- people who stay together for the kids are not helping the kids. What often happens is kids actually see what their parents’ marriage looked like and think it’s normal- screaming, shouting, control, all of it. So leaving is the best lesson to show a child: this is not acceptable in a relationship, if someone is abusive to you then you leave and vice versa.
I wouldn’t have any further discussions or let your husband know in advance of your plans, he’s just going to gaslight you more and shake your confidence. Use this time to organize, prepare, and build your confidence that you’re doing the best thing for yourself/your child. Do let your family and friends know what’s going on- all of it, don’t hesitate to share written statements outlining what you’ve experienced.
So he only changes long enough for his life to go back to the way he likes it? Do you realize your son will behave exactly like his dad OR will end up getting treated like you? Instead of telling him again, make your exit plan, serve him papers, and live your best life.
You describe a cycle of abuse. Yes, you should leave him. Don’t negotiate. In fact, don’t even pre-announce it. Make your plans secretly and then go. Consult a divorce lawyer on the sly.
He’s had chances to reverse course, and he isn’t able to maintain the changes he would need to make. Hon, it isn’t going to get better.
Stay strong. He has had so many chances and fails every time. Your son and you deserve a house without yelling. Your son deserves to see you treated better than this.
Do you have a place to stay in your current location or will you have to move back? At least figure out a plan. Start saving money. Start making sure you have all your important paperwork somewhere safe, and your own bank account and a phone account that he doesn’t have access to.
Get a lawyer ready(ask everyone to help you with funds, borrow if you can) for a custody battle, because he will be ruthless. But he owes you child support and alimony. If you want to move states to be near friends and family, you need to talk to a lawyer before you take your kiddo away.
You can do this. You know this isn’t love, and it isn’t sustainable.
Of course he’s faking it again, just like all the other times.
Get away. You don’t want your son to grow up believing this is what long term relationships look like.
I think you already know it is going to stop shortly after he thinks you have been “secured” again. It’s a repeat pattern of behavior at this point and he has been shown that if he acts this way for a bit, you will relent and he will get his way. He is doing this now because it *works* to keep you there, not because he wants to change. Does he do this all in front of your son? Are you comfortable and okay knowing that your son is learning from example on how to treat women? That he will learn to treat you and any woman he encounters in the same manner if he ends up romantically involved with one in the future because he is being taught that this is okay and normal? You need to do what is best for you and your son and follow through this time. I know it’s scary and uncertain but I can promise you that once you are out of this situation and settled, you will feel so much better OP.
You already know that he won’t change. You and your son deserve a better life. You deserve to live in peace where no one is yelling at you. I can tell you from experience that you’ll regret not leaving now. I was in a similar situation, deeply unhappy, and stayed twice as long. I really wish I had left at your age and saved myself years of loneliness and depression.
It won’t be easy, and you may even feel like it’s a mistake at first, but you will come out stronger. It takes time, especially when you’ve built your entire adult life with another person. But you can absolutely be independent and happy on your own. Also, the “acting better” because you’re leaving is a manipulation tactic that my ex also used. When you find yourself swayed by that, and you will, remind yourself of the truth. Those better periods are always temporary.
Narcissists are not capable of change without professional intervention.
Actually… Frankly I don’t believe they are capable of change at all, I’m just trying to be nice.
>In my head I’m thinking “I can do all of this myself” and if it’s just me and our son, there’s no one to yell!
This. What does he bring to the table except stress and anxiety. Sounds like you’d be 100% better off without him.
Nope. It’s time to get your son out of that environment. If your husband had any real intent to change, he would have gone to therapy for anger management.
He haven’t changed then and he won’t change now. Free yourself of this demon
Your life will only get better without him. Your only 29! You have your whole life ahead of you.
You know what’s happening. You know it’s wrong, you know he has you in a cycle of abuse. It’s a trauma bond keeping you with him. It’s guilt that you don’t want to break up your family.
You know what you have to do, and I think you’re here looking for support and encouragement.
I believe in you and I support you. You’re already doing it all. It’ll get harder while the divorce is ongoing, but then it’s going to be so much calmer and more peaceful. Do it for yourself and for your kid, so you both can live a happy and healthy life away from abuse.
I really didn’t expect so much feedback and encouragement. I thought I was posting this into the void and expecting an ambiguous answer. Thank you 🙏🏻 thank you for taking the time to encourage and support a complete stranger. I needed these words to keep going.
Thank you.
You know he is faking it, just as he has every time! Don’t tell him when you’re leaving. Don’t even bring it up again. The most dangerous time for women and children fleeing DV is when they’re leaving the abuser. Save up whatever money you can and get an apartment or rental house with 2 bedrooms, and when he’s at work one day just leave. Have a police escort to help you come collect the rest of your things. Serve him with divorce papers then as well.
He’ll do this as long as you’re together and it’s setting a horrible example for your child. Get out and get a lawyer. If you’re worried about money he’ll still owe child support and your son is WAY better off living in a smaller home than living with his dad.
It’s never too late to escape abuse unless you’re dead. Escape before that happens, please.
Do not go back to this man. Do not. He’s abusive. Right now he’s trying to manipulate and charm the hell out of you so you’ll stay because you think he’s improving and changing. HE IS NOT CHANGING. He’s just putting on a prettier mask to get you to change your mind. You will be fine (and actually much better) on your own with your kid. Leave and don’t look back
>I don’t believe him anymore. I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again.
You shouldn’t, because that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s an abuser, and when they feel like they’ve gone too far and the frog is about to jump out of the boiling pot they turn down the heat and love bomb you until you’re willing to go back to the status quo. Then the abuse starts back, only worse each time because every time he convinces you to stay he knows you’re less likely to leave.
You need to get out of there. And be careful while you’re doing it; don’t be alone in the house with him while you’re getting your stuff. Bring help. Leaving is by a huge margin the single most dangerous time for anyone in an abusive relationship. I know you’re thinking “he hasn’t hit me” but emotional and verbal abuse count too, and once someone is comfortable doing those it’s not a huge stretch from there to physical violence. Especially when they think their target is about to escape.
Please stick to your guns and leave, and please be careful while you do it. He’s sensing he’s starting to lose control of you and once the love bombing doesn’t work he’s going to get unpredictable.
This is no longer about just you. Your son is seeing how a man treats a woman and how a woman will accept this behaviour.
Do you want your son to become your husband as that is exactly what will happen. There are many childhood studies showing what is modelled from birth to 8 has a huge impact on neurological and emotional child development.
Put your son first and give him a healthy environment to grow up in.
His behavior when he stops is him pretending to be decent. The abusive person he always reverts back to? That’s why he really is. Pretending is hard work. That’s why it doesn’t last long. Just long enough to get you to let your guard down. It’s a cycle. Every time it happens, it wears you down more and more. It takes women 5-7x to leave an abusive relationship because of this cycle.
The only way to stop the cycle is to leave. Do not go back. Do not be swayed by the temporary changed behavior.
You’re absolutely right that it’s not going to stop. The apologies and promises to changed are part of the cycle of abuse and it will keep happening that way as long as you stay. Leaving and staying separated is the right answer. He will probably try a lot of different things to manipulate you into staying or getting back together with him, so make sure your family and friends know what is happening and can support you.
Leave your husband and enjoy a peaceful life if not getting yelled at by your husband all the time. Best of luck ♥️
They always act right when you wanna leave keep going
Google “cycle of abuse” and see if that fits your situation. This is going to keep happening over and over because abuse is a cycle. He is going to go back to yelling again because he’s an abuser. If you stay, it’s probably going to get worse.
Your life is going to be so much easier if you leave. If you won’t do this for yourself, please do it for your son.
Do. Not. Believe. Him.
Leave.
Please leave. He is not a good partner, and not a good role model for your son. You and your child deserve peace in your home.
If he truly is a narcissist then he will never NOT be one. There is no treatment really.
You have to decide if you can live with this or not, but him suddenly changing his whole psychological makeup and personality isn’t going to happen.
All I want to say is he was aware of the age gap… because there’s no way he didn’t know
Seems like his normal pattern of behavior. He’s not going to change and will probably go right back to abusing you once he thinks you’re staying.
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The idea of being alone is probably scary, but I hope you leave him and find some peace and happiness.
He is going to lovebomb you so hard. He’s going to act better. Be better. He will genuinely and sincerely admit to all his faults & wrongdoing towards you. It will be very very tempting to believe him. To believe that this time he’s sincere and he will be different. It won’t. And if the lovebombing doesn’t work he will escalate his abusive behaviour towards you. That may mean violence.
If I were you, I’d be contacting your local Domestic Violence centre. And reading Lundy Bancroft’s *Why Does He Do It.*
When my friend ended her marriage with her narc husband all she would say was how nice it was to not be yelled at everyday. The kids told her they never wanted him to come back. They could finally come out of their room and not be called names or screamed at. She tells us all that she finally got peace in her life. But something to deal with-hoovering. That has started up after a few months. Like you, she did everything. He just came home from work and was served food and watched tv. She even took out his work clothes for the next day. He never lifted a finger. He doesn’t want to lose that supply. My advice to her was GET MAD. Get mad at what he does and how he treats you. When the hoovering and love bombing rears it’s fake head out remind him and yourself of how it was. She keeps all the texts and reads them over. Reads how she is too stupid to pay bills. Too old for him now. Too skinny. Too lazy. And it reminds her that taking him back will bring her back to that life again.
>I feel like he’s faking it again so we go back to normal again.
He is.
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>I hope it’s not too late.
It’s not.
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Leave.
Leave. Stop fucking around and leave this man. He will never change.
The damage his behavior is doing to your child (not to mention you) is incalculable at this point. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for your kid.
I am SO proud of you for recognizing that the way he treats you isn’t acceptable and for reaching out for support.
You ARE in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s not your fault and it will never get better (only worse in cycles over time). I know that during the good times things are great and he’s wonderful. The good times are an important part of abusive relationships, you wouldn’t have chosen to be with the abusive version of him and if he was always abusive it would be SO much easier to leave.
The good times (like how he is acting now) are proof that he knows how he should treat you and he is fully capable of doing so. He is choosing to treat you well right now because he believes you will leave if he doesn’t (so treating you well right now is for HIS benefit, to get what HE wants).
He chooses to abuse you for the same reason. It has literally nothing to do with who or how you are. He CHOOSES to treat you poorly because it benefits him, it’s how he gets what he wants when he wants it.
This free book explains the way his mind works, all of the benefits he gets from abusing you, the life-long effects from withnessing this abuse will have on your child, and why nothing you do could ever fix this. It will ONLY get worse.
This book will give you a brand new perspective on what’s been happening. It absolutely changed my life and will gelp you too.
Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
I hope you will leave to save your child if not yourself. Children learn what to expect/accept in their own adult relationships by watching you. Abuse is handed down from generation to generation and the longer you stay the more likely it is your child will have a relationship like yours.
The life altering trauma to children who witness one of their parents be psychologically abused has been shown to be just as bad as witnessing physical abuse (if not worse). Here’s a study: https://psychcentral.com/news/2017/05/16/witnessing-parental-psychological-abuse-may-do-more-harm-than-physical-abuse#1
In short, your husband has always known how he should treat you and he’s only willing to treat you with kindness and respect just enough to keep you around for more abuse. There’s nothing you can do to fix this. The longer you stay, the more chances you give him the worse the abuse will get and the more damage will be done to your child (and yourself).
I hope you will leave and not look back. Your husband is an accomplished liar and manipulator, he has ZERO intention of doing the intensive, life-long work of changing how he perceives you and how he feels entitled to cause you harm to get his way. He could have chosen to do that a thousand different times by now.
Make room in your life for someone who sees you as a full and equal human being. Teach your child by example that you do not have to keep people in your life who hurt and disrespect you. Tea has them strong boundaries and give them a safe environment to grow in. Their future depends on it.
Also OP, the domestic violence hotline thehotline.org can help you find support and resources to safely escape. They help victims of emotional/psychological abuse even if there’s no physical violence yet. They recognize that leaving any abusive relationship is incredibly dangerous and would be happy to help you.
I have been in your shoes:
He only changed now because it’s affecting HIM.
He didn’t care how his behavior affected YOU. He’s only changing to stop HIMSELF from losing something of value – you. It’s not permanent, it’s just an attempt to keep you. The bad behavior always returns.
If he actually cared about you, he would have changed a long time ago.
Divorcing a guy like this was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself! I was with him from 18-30, similar to you, and my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. Narcissists don’t change!
This is a good quiz for helping you realize how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is. Ignore the pop up and take the quiz, it can be an eye opener! https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Get your kid out of this toxicity. If you didn’t have kids you could play this back and forth until as long as you like. You are failing your child by keeping them in an unhealthy environment. It’s easier to stay than to make a change. Your child is worth the effort though.
I grew up in a house like this, parents dysfunctional marriage. They both made it miserable. The crying and apologies I got as adult from them can never undo years of anxiety and sadness.
This seems like pretty textbook lovebombing. I don’t believe it was all a big accident that he started dating a 19year old and got her pregnant immediately. I think you know who he is and that he’s abusive and full of shit. He already stole your 20s. Take your kid and leave.
Age gap we meet again.