How do I (25f) deal with my husband’s (29m) weird comments

39 comments

1. Tell him how these comments make you feel. He’s not a mind reader.

2. He’s sexist and his comments are gross.

   Challenge his thinking because it’s grimy and he needs an attitude adjustment.

   He’d rather you go through a major surgery so that your vagina doesn’t change. People that think like him make me madder than a pissed on chicken.

3. Hope he’ll grow to care more about a loving supportive family and less about appearance.

4. I think casually bringing it up to him is totally appropriate.

   If you can avoid a c-section, then do it. The recovery is much more difficult. Many moms of multiple kids have personally told me their vaginas ‘bounce back’ and their husbands did not notice a significant difference.

   Breastfeeding will likely change your breasts, but if you decide to let your milk dry up and formula feed anyways, your breasts still may not look or feel quite the same as prior to pregnancy.

   Even if you work out prior to giving birth to strengthen your core, it doesn’t mean you’ll be totally flat once you’re recovered. Every woman’s body is different. Please remind yourself of that so you don’t become unhealthily obsessed and begin comparing yourself to social media moms or moms around you.

   Calmly talking to your husband will hopefully be helpful. Educate him on things. Hopefully then he can adjust his expectations. If he admits he is concerned about your body afterwards, appreciate his honesty, but tell him there’s only so much you can do and that he needs to work on accepting that and accepting your new body. If he’s still unsure, ask him to talk with your OB doc. Let a pro explain things too and bring him down to reality.

   I don’t necessarily think you’re overthinking it, but it’s possible he is trying to hint that he’s concerned without being direct about it.

5. I’m not sure I’d have this guy’s kid tbh, unless I was prepared to be a single mother down the road.

6. A c-section is not easier. Tell him to stop talking.

   The c-section recovery process is typically harder & longer and if you’re unlucky like my friend, you get a major infection in your stitches & have to go back in the hospital for IV antibiotics and monitoring.

   Breastfeeding is not for everyone but that’s your choice not his. And some people like me, did not have a choice, I had every lactation consultant in the area try to help, I could not do it. Formula allows both parents to feed. Give him the night shift for being such a turd.

   He’s obviously worried you’ll get out of shape and he won’t be attracted to you. This is concerning bc he’s supposed to be attracted to your soul

   but anyway you need to tell him to not ask you about or tell you about anymore workout /eating habits/body issues again, he needs to go talk to a therapist instead. You don’t need to hear his naïve and uniformed concerns anymore.

7. Bring him out to coffee or lunch and talk to him. He might just be clueless and has no idea that he’s making you feel this way. I’m saying this as a mom. Some men are just clueless about pregnancy, birth and have no idea some comments and questions are hurtful and inappropriate. He might also be nervous, excited, scared and it’s coming out all the wrong way. Maybe do some research about the things he’s said or invite him in to speak to your doctor about csections/vaginas so he understands better

8. You’re not projecting. These a big decisions and usually out of people’s control, like a problem birth requiring C section or difficulty lactating or needing to go back to work leading to formula feeding. Breastmilk is the better option for the baby but it’s not always possible and not something someone should feel forced to do or guilty about if they can’t.

   You should bring it up to him and tell him how it makes you feel. He should also start educating himself about the reality of pregnancy, birth, c-sections and the recovery/ risks, breastfeeding etc. He might just be ignorant, but it’s not an excuse as he’s about to be a father and should put yours and the baby’s health and wellbeing above his needs. He can only do that if he’s armed with accurate information and he should be willing to learn.

9. Your husband’s comments are very concerning, both for being chauvinistic and ignorant.

   He needs to know his comments are hurtful and *dangerous*. His views don’t match up with widely known facts in the medical community about what is best for you and your baby.

   If you’re comfortable, bring him along to the OB and have him ask questions. Have the OB tell him upfront answers. Or you can call the OB office and ask if they have any literature for expecting fathers who… Need a reality check, really.

   C-sections aren’t “easier” and cosmetic surgery. They are major abdominal surgery with a possibility of serious complications.

   The “husband” stitch isn’t for funsies. It can cause you vaginal pain and long-term incontinence or sexual issues.

   While a plan with an abdominal/pelvic rehab specialist is a great idea for postpartum mums (highly recommended; it’s considered physical therapy for good reason), it shouldn’t be for _his_ enjoyment but _your_ long-term health. Again, see incontinence issues, tone, and comfort for **you** are the key goals of any pelvic physical therapist.

   If he persists in this, _strongly_ consider therapy. He’s looking out for his own best interests and not yours.

10. What you do with your body, is your business. But you should express to him that those comments feel hurtful, and you’re body is doing what it needs to care for the life of your child. You can control what happens to your body to the same degree as someone can stop themselves from balding/turning gray.

    My best friend had an emergency c-section for her first pregnancy and she couldn’t even hold her baby for 2 weeks because her pain meds left her to sedated to function. She also says her scar still hurts sometimes. She had a vaginal birth afterwards and says that was a better recovery and was glfar less painful. Plus the trauma of not holding her firstborn for so long really messed with her for a long a time.

    I had a vaginal birth. I didn’t have an epidural (I’d choose the natural route again btw. Kinda feels Iike the worst bowel movement of your life. Where you have both period and poop cramps at the same time and it almost hurts too much to go, but you eventually get it out and then everything is better. It’s like I never spent every day being violently sick for months, including just before I pushed him out. The relief was amazing, and I was up and walking not long after. I understand why some women want the epidural but.. I refuse to let anyone stick a needle in my spine). To prevent tearing, I did some exercises (you can look them up. It’s been nearly 9 years since my last pregnancy that I don’t really remember what the exercises are called) but it’s basically like a massage to the nether bits, and the doctor told me all I had was a “paper cut”.

11. So he’s always been this superficial? You mentioned you just found out so I assume you haven’t seen a healthcare provider yet. I strongly encourage you to have him accompany you to your appointments if you’re comfortable with that. He has a lot to learn and a good provider will kindly but firmly put him in his place so to speak.

    But also yes, absolutely talk to him.

    Oh, and c-sections are more difficult to recover from. If he’s concerned about your vagina, I can assure you, it bounces back to normal for the most part. If he’s concerned it’ll get “stretched out” you can suggest he get a penis enlargement so you feel tighter to him.

12. he’s a sexist idiot. your body doesnt exist for his consumption.

13. I hope it isn’t too late to kick him to the curb

14. Maybe I’m alone in this but I didn’t find any of these questions / statements concerning at all. If he gave birth he’d want to do a C section, would be curious how long his vagina would take to heal, and work towards strengthening core post birth. It’s not strange at all.

    I think it’s a huge leap to take what he would do and translate that into if you don’t focus on these things, I won’t want you.

15. Tell him he should grow up and stop worrying about his sex life!!

    If he continues to make these comments, tell him he is out of line!!

16. He is an asshole that cares more that your va-jay-jay and boobs look nice for him

17. Having and raising a child is a beautiful and stress-filled wonderland of uncertainty, new skills and emotions. You should absolutely talk to your husband and begin to deal with this now.

    Wait till you both find out what your body is about to do. Is doing.

    Sort his nonsense out now and both be the supportive couple that you need to be.

18. Sounds like he’s very ignorant about pregnancy and birth and he should definitely educate himself. Ask him to write down a list of his questions and you can both ask your midwife/ obgyn next time you have an appointment. From experience:

    – A c-section is much harder to recover from than a normal birth and can have permanent effects on your body. It is also more dangerous for you. It’s not an option to be picked lightly

    – Formula is totally valid. It will allow him to take on his equal share of feeding responsibilities. It has its downsides too – it can be expensive. You don’t get the antibodies that you do from breast milk

    – there are exercises you can do to help prepare your body for birth. You should always consult your midwife/obgyn to make sure that you are exercising safely

    – you must be cleared by your obgyn/ midwife before you start exercising if you want to start shortly after birth. From personal experience you with both probably be too overwhelmed and sleep deprived to consider going to the gym for the first few months anyway.

19. >”If I were you I’d just use formula instead of breastfeeding”

    He should probably get a crash course on pregnancy. Breastfeeding helps the rest of you recover, actually…breastfeeding is something that’ll help you lose weight during postpartum. If you exclusively breastfeed, you can burn between 400-500 calories a day just by feeding your baby. Also, oxytocin increases during breastfeeding. It encourages uterine contractions and reduces bleeding, helping the uterus return to its previous size and encourage healing after birth.

    Breastfeeding can also help lower your risk of high blood pressure , type 2 diabetes, ovarian cancer. and breast cancer. Breastfed *babies* also have a lower risk of asthma, obesity, type 1 diabetes, and (SIDS).

    ​

    FR though, I’d bring it up. “NO MATTER WHAT, my body is going to change. We won’t have sex until I’m healed and ready, and you and I need to discuss your comments. And so you’re aware, if you **EVER** mention a husband stitch, we’re seeing a therapist immediately.”

20. Better tell him that he will be the parent in charge of the baby while you are working out so he won’t be able to. Nothing he said sounds reasonable for the non birth giving person to say. Edit to add that when you have a kid you have to get really good really fast at shutting down other people’s unwanted opinions. “Thank you for your opinion… which I did not ask for,” works well. Eg “thank you for your opinion on my muscles, which I did not ask for.” “Thank you for your unqualified medical opinion which I did not ask for.” “Thank you for your opinion on breastfeeding, which I did not ask for.” Ask him if he needs to do couples counselling to learn how to be supportive in a way which actually gives you some support.

21. I would not let him in the delivery room tbh. What if you’re unable to communicate safely and he asks for a husband stitch?

22. I would ask him where all these comments are coming from
    .

23. I’m super self conscious about my looks and my boyfriend suggested I bottle feed instead of breast feed because I wouldn’t like the way my boobs looked. I was upset and didn’t say anything and he immediately said you know what I sound like a huge dick right now and I’m not meaning to obviously you do whatever you think is best. Men are clueless sometimes I would just talk to him

24. Tell your husband to carry the next child and then he can decide if he wants a c section, feed formula to the baby and how he’d like to lose weight.

    Seriously it’s very concerning that these things comes out about the guy only *after* the woman is pregnant (no one would have his kids if he talked this shit before pregnancy).

    Take him to the doctor with you and let him hear about the pros and cons of all the things he’s suggesting. If not for you, at least he should be thinking about what’s best for his own kid like smh

25. I am leaning towards him being concerned for your health and well being than for how hot you will look.

26. You sure you want a second child? Sounds like you’ve got your hands full raising the first one.

27. What the actual fuck did I just read? Where is his concern for ***his child***, the one he said he wanted? The future human being now occupying your womb? Remind him of *that* and see if it rings a bell. Because his worries should solely be reserved for your health and your child’s.

    He has no time to be talking shit about what may or may not happen to your body. He needs to go search for his priorities, since they have apparently gone missing.

    Tell him to shut up *forever* until he can stop being a superficial dweeb. Or start calling him ‘Shallow Hal’ every time he makes a dumb-ass comment like that.

    Also, remind him that BOTH of your bodies will change over time. His as well as yours. If he can’t deal, he’s not mature enough to be in any relationship.

    P.S. Do not take any of his ignorant, shallow, self-serving advice. Do what’s best for you and your child. But prepare yourself, he may not be as reliable as you thought.

28. It might be petty, but I honestly think when people are being “subtle” in their constant criticism of your appearance, it can be useful (or at least cathartic) to dish it back juuust a little bit. You don’t even need to make an outwardly mean comment, you could just say something like, “How would you feel if I kept pestering you about [something he’s insecure about]?”

    That should at least let him know that he’s being super transparent. He is so obviously just trying to make sure you still look and feel good to him after giving birth. I say call him out.

29. Formula is acceptable but breastfeeding when possible is better in every way.

30. Tell him, “Well you’re NOT me, you are not the one whose body is changing to grow our family. If you’re going to make snide comments about my body changing, you can file for a divorce. I am not going to be made to feel like shit while I’m bringing our baby into this world and nurturing it. If you don’t like my body changes, you can fuck your hand.”

    And no, a C-section is NOT easier. It’s an invasive surgery and risks infection in the incision. Vaginal birth is actually easier to recover from. Your canal will snap back to normal. He sounds like a pig, tbh. I would not want to be married to someone like him.

31. Even though he is right about core exercises being important, all his comments are not coming from the right place. It is a fact that pregnancy will change your body. I’m pregnant with #3 and when I mention negative changes with my body my husband is quick to correct me that my body is amazing because it’s growing a living thing and working so hard!

    After I gave birth the first time he looked at me with such awe and admiration (second time too). Things DEFINITELY changed down there as I had tearing with my first child, but he doesn’t care and doesn’t comment, other than dirty talk of how good I look. Just saying all this makes me realize I’m pretty lucky….

32. Don’t you “bouce back” easier with vaginally birth vs c section?

33. Oh boy.

34. C sections are really actually harder. That’s major surgery and they send you home with no help and no aftercare. Breast feeding helps lower your chances of cancer for one and fed is best, but yeah, breast milk is meant to be used

35. Option three, tell him not to make any comments about your body. It’s rude.

36. Too bad he waited until after you were pregnant to voice these concerns, it sounds like he set you up to tear you down.

37. Playing evil’s advocate here…could he (poorly) be expressing concern for you? (Very clumsily) trying to problem-solve to make pregnancy and birth less difficult?

38. You do realize you’re procreating with this jackass? And he’s going to repeat these disgusting, harmful comments to your child eventually? Imagine going through puberty and having a dad like that nearby. You need to reconsider your choices.

39. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just cut you in half?

    That’s clown college shit. My guy needs to read a pregnancy book or 6.