Any tips for dating when you are the primary parent?

14 comments

1. >I’m having trouble finding the desire to date

   Girl, don’t force it. Let that desire find you. Two years after the massive upheaval of divorce is nothing, and you are not going to turn into a dried-up old hag anytime soon. When you start feeling, “Damn, I really want to get out there and smooch some of these hotties,” you’ll know it’s the right time.

2. I never cared, but it’s going to vary from person to person. Most of the guys I know looking for a relationship want there to be some time between divorce and dating.

   I’m a solo full-time parent myself. You’re either going to have tonfind someone who’s fine with every other weekend until you introduce them into your children’s life, and that should take a good long while. Even longer if you’re only doing every other weekend. Or, you can find a good babysitter.

   Your children’s ages will also play a role as will how they’ve adapted to the divorce. I’m a widower. My 3 kids (middle to high school) started pushing me to date after several years.

   Walk before you run and have some fun doing it. When you first start dating again, you’re going to doubt yourself constantly. My best piece of advice is to trust yourself. If something feels right, it probably is. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

3. I’m dealing with this right now. I have my son full time and the only time to go on dates for most is the weekend and that’s when the kids are home ALL day.

   I would just be upfront with the situation and when it gets more serious it won’t be as hard.

4. 2+ years post divorce single dad and thought I almost might have desire to date again…so I tried recently, and quit very soon after – not ready after all, enjoying my me-time too much.

   Don’t force it…and don’t sweat the spinster thing – it’s a new world for you, go figure out who you want to be and how you want to fit in it!

   Personally and preferably I’d hope to see some time passed since divorce, I think 2yrs is plenty! But I’d be more concerned that your mind was right…got your (needed and well deserved) selfish stage out of your system and ready to share again. I am not quite there yet…no timeline on such thing.

   But do enjoy your peace and quiet autonomy while you can – eventually you’ll be in another relationship again!

5. I have 100% custody.

   My daughter is in daycare from 9-5:30; I have a bit of flexibility during the day so sometimes I will get coffee or lunch, or an early dinner, during the week. Other than that, I give myself at most one date night per week, usually Saturday or Sunday night. Babysitter or friend/family if possible.

   Once things get more serious with someone, I’ll have him over after my kiddo is asleep, and then eventually they’ll meet her and we can occasionally do things together, like picnics, dinner, hiking, or movie night.

   Don’t force it if you’re not ready though. I was single for almost four years.

6. I can’t speak for most of it but I can say that I don’t care if there’s a gap like two years between a divorce and dating again. If anything it suggests you’re focusing on yourself and your kids which are both very good qualities for a partner

7. 1st, you should probably get to a place where you want to date. Then just be honest about your schedule and expectations.
   I have kids and usually date women with kids. It just takes a bit of extra work to schedule.

8. Not particularly unless you make that an issue, like you constantly bring it up (the divorce gap bit)

9. I’ve been the primary solo parent for 11 years. My kid is headed to middle school and now wants me to get a “social life” lol. So, it’s awkward but I’ve made a few cool connections that didn’t pan out. I don’t have much advice since I’m still figuring it out. I can say find new hobbies or enjoy old ones and get out to socialize. That can make it much easier. I’ve met a lot of cute and interesting guys at my kids sports matches, at my gym, at my college, and I’m making extra effort to widen my adult social circles.

10. I have the same custody schedule as you, to four kids under 12. I had no desire to date and no idea how it could even work for a while, and when that changed, I went for it. I got extremely lucky and did not have to go through a lot of bad dates and quickly found someone I wanted to be serious with, and six months later we are making it happen. We took it slowly and sometimes we don’t see each other as much as we would like. We did introduce kids earlier than expected because it simplifies the ability to spend time together. My kids adore him.

    Don’t force it if you’re not there, but if/when you are,just take it one date at a time and see if where it goes. It can be really fun and healing.

11. Kudos to you for asking the rarest but ( imo ) the best question which gives insight into your personality: the gap between divorce and dating. It’s a detailed answer as well, depending on the guy. Me personally, I’ve been divorced since 2009. Plenty of time to ponder what went wrong, identify my short givings, and work on myself. After that, I had to enjoy being around myself again… enjoy being “alone, but not really lonely.” Then I decided to channel whatever loneliness I had into my kids, so that my daddy issues didn’t get passed onto the next generation. That’s neither here nor there, results may vary and everyone is unique and different.

    Having children in the mix when they’re younger ( my oldest was 11 ) makes even considering to date again even more difficult, scary even. My ex had her next in line moved in and was attempting to get our wee ones to call him daddy or papa not even 3 weeks after I moved out. I was terrified of trying to meet someone, let alone allow that someone into their lives. Over the years though, the kids and I have talked about relationships and my interest in eventually meeting someone. I digress: this is an area I’ve been so passionate about and I’ll drone on; but, I suppose the answer I’d give you is if you feel you’re ready, there shouldn’t be a formalized or set amount of time between divorce and dating. You know you, you know your heart, and you know your kids. If you’re doing right by all parties involved, set your path and pace and find your happiness! As a 40 year old guy with experience on this path and with kids, my own personal red flags are those who aren’t even waiting for the ink to dry on the decree before making their intentions known. Again, results can vary, but in your case, 2 years is plenty of time between “I’m about to make the same mistakes all over again” and “I’m going to turn into a spinster.”

    As others have said, let it flow naturally, don’t force one side or the other. I applaud your journey and wish you all the best going forward.

12. I’m going on 10 years since my divorce. I’ve had a couple short relationships (under 2 months), but when I have free time I want to spend it on me, and when I’m with my kids, I don’t want to be bringing strangers around.

    I’m actually really happy on my own. I’d love someone to fix up stuff around the house and help pay the bills, but I don’t need another kid to take care of, and it suits me just fine.

13. Never introduce the person to your children or shack up right away. It can do great harm. Take your time getting to know people.

14. Speaking as a divorced 40M, most of us have kids too. I have mine two days a week and every other weekend, so, ya know, *we get it*. We have to schedule things around our kids as well, and we also need time to recover from our divorces. I think you’re good.