Should I join OLD?

16 comments

1. It has its ups and downs. Set up a Hinge profile and see if you how you feel. Hinge is probably the least “hook up” style app. But, don’t have super high hopes.

   Sorry if this is pessimistic. Just want to be truthful.

2. Just do it

3. I don’t think anyone is “ready to date” in the way it’s conventionally meant. I think that if your self-esteem is so strong that you genuinely don’t think you need anyone at all, you’re just not going to be able to co-regulate within a relationship. I would argue that if you genuinely think you don’t need anyone, you’re *not* ready to enter a relationship.

   I think you’re “ready to date” when you want to meet someone, you think you’ll be somewhat successful in doing so, and you’re not planning on making the relationship deeply one-sided (either towards you or co-dependently away from you). And I think you’ve probably met that standard.

4. Know your limits, be open and direct, but go for it. Just remember you’re looking for a partner not a cuddle buddy. Otherwise folks just looking for a FWB / ONS will likely swoop in for some easy (at least attempted) intimacy/sex if you’re advertising the latter.

   Only you know if you’re ready after a year, but if you’re thinking through what you want and don’t want, and are willing to establish boundaries around them, you should be good!

5. Just go for it.

   But don’t go into it assuming you will magically find the one.

   Use it as a tool to meet different people you wouldn’t normally cross paths with. Keep your expectations low and have an open mind.

   There will be conversations that fizzle, people who don’t put any effort into it, people who will love bomb, people who will be nice enough but not a match for you and everything else in between.

   Take it slow and trust your gut. If you feel like a vibe is off, it probably is. If you feel like you have good chemistry with someone even though they only have one picture and little bio, try it out. It’s probably going to take a few matches before you get a good idea of what to look for.

   Good luck!

6. I agree. The only way to know is to give it a try and see how it goes. Be selfaware while you do it and take a break if you need to. Most importantly have fun and good luck!

7. Wanting somebody to cuddle up with or spend time with or go to the beach with definitely doesn’t make you weak. The only way that would make you weak is if you go on OLD, match with somebody you’re not compatible with, and stay with them just so you have somebody to do things with.

   Don’t be too wary, but definitely keep an eye out for red flags – I’ve seen people leave emotionally abusive relationships to go into new relationships that are still emotionally abusive, but less so, or in a different way, and think they’re not abusive because they’re not abusive in the same way as the previous.

8. I left an emotionally abusive relationship and was back to dating about 6 months later–but for what it’s worth, I had a lot of work to do to learn how to identify and avoid red flags for abusive behavior, and to raise my standards for acceptable treatment. I did this while dating, with input from a supportive therapist. After I started dating, I went from dating folks who didn’t treat me great to dating my now husband, who treats me very well, in about 18 months. There was a lot of personal growth and learning in the meantime. I’d recommend only dating if you are working out how to figure out how to prevent a repeat of your abusive situation, for many people (myself included initially) these situations can repeat themselves if care isn’t taken. But the cycle can be broken!

9. You are not weak, I think you’re so mature. I’m kinda like you, have my own space, enjoy my solitude, but there are times when I miss good night kisses and want to have someone who checks in on me every day. I don’t need someone to complete me because I complete myself, I just don’t wanna be alone all the time.

   I think you should try OLD, just be mindful that a lot of people on OLD say they’re looking for a long term relationship but most of the time they’re not mentally ready (speaking from experience).

10. Don’t pay for any of them.

    Don’t have any expectations.

    Do make a profile with some effort. “Just ask” isn’t a good self-summary. More than 3 photos, all from different times, otherwise it can look lifted.

    Don’t lie about your age, location, kids, what you’re looking for, etc.

    I like bumble and hinge. Okc is alright, tinder can be hit or miss. If you want low effort, it’s tinder.

11. I don’t understand this bizarre concept that you have to “prove” you don’t need human connection in order to be worthy of it. Humans need physical and emotional closeness with other humans.

    Trying dating apps is not going to undo any of the healing work you’ve done. Be kind to yourself, and good luck.

12. It’s all personal preference. For me, online dating hurt my mental health. The idea of “window shopping” for a connection made me feel awful. Also, I think the idea of having options always available hurts the ability for me to connect with someone, I’d that makes sense.

13. Just to offer some perspective about OLD if you decide to go on.

    1) people are flaky and often ghost/stop communicating because there are so many options (“grass is greener” type of mindset)
    2) people will not always be upfront and honest what they’re actually looking for (hookup vs LTR) so ask early on to see if you’re compatible in this area
    3) have to go through some creepy guys and also guys who have zero etiquette
    4) you might match with a lot of people and go on many first dates but it’ll take time to find the right person you will date (I went on roughly 35 first dates in almost 2 years, was a lot, now dating boyfriend of 4 months)
    5) you might get burnt out from the swiping, the matching, and the conversations and connections that go no where so when that happens take breaks as necessary to recharge
    6) you might need to block/report some people and it’s never a fun experience
    7) be prepared for being possibly getting catfished or straight up lied to when you meet in person
    8) some people just ghost on the day of the date or are a no show, block and move on
    9) quality matches, even on Hinge, can be hard to come by. By quality I mean someone you’re actually looking for: you’re attracted to them, you have commonalities and similar interests/beliefs, they vibe with your personality, the way you communicate (texting/calling/in person), shared hobbies, wanting the same thing out of a relationship, etc.
    10) finally, just go in with reasonable expectations as OLD has (imo) gotten somewhat worse over the years. Doesn’t mean you can’t find someone, just takes time, so be patient and hope for the best.

    I recommend Hinge btw. Good luck!

14. Speaking from experience,

    I have used tinder, pof, and FB dating. One of closet friends meet his wife on FB dating. Any site and app has pro and cons. If you use Tinder, you can now deter those who just want hook up. My advice before you create a profile is to take time to figure out everything about yourself. Then, write it out on paper: a draft. Then from there choose the best app for you and use your draft to create your profile.

15. I started using the apps at 33, went on a number of dates, met some mostly great guys but it’s only been now, 2.5 years later that I’ve entered a serious relationship with someone (he’s pretty great), so you might have to be patient and just enjoy the ride.

    I’ve been on Tinder and Bumble and I found him on Bumble.

16. I joined OLD like three times and then panicked and paused again each time the opportunity to actually go out with someone came up. When I was actually ready, I knew, and it worked out great!

    Set up a profile and do some swiping and see how you feel..you don’t have to commit to anything by liking, messaging, or even going on some first dates.