Is this normal in a marriage?

29 comments

1. Do you get her flowers from time to time? Do you go on date nights from time to time? Do you get away from the kids from time to time? Do you see her family? Do you go shopping with her? Do you go to the gym or for a walk together? Do you ask her how she feels? Do you ask her how her day was?

   You have to imagine you have to listen to her, court and seduce her every day.

2. Who cares what’s “normal”? For some people, the average outcomes and the average life work decently well. For others, they don’t work at all. You need to know what you need, want, are okay with and and are willing to make sacrifices for, and make it happen. Life only gathers speed as you get older, so it’s best to make the most of it while you still can.

3. It’s easy to fall into a rut. I am in a similar one, but worse. Married 20 years. We have conflicting sleep schedules so we aren’t awake in bed together for any intimacy, sexual or otherwise. Sex is passionless and sporadic. My life is boring af, and it’s my fault.

   I think we have to put some effort into keeping things fresh. Not just romantically, but with all aspects of life. I don’t even remember what brings me joy anymore so I’ve been slow to dig out of this rut. Get off yer butt! Go DO something! If you want new output, you have to change the input.

4. Well, usually when you feel bored and that there is more to life it means you are missing something because you have been stuck in a routine a lot.

   Talk to your wife, and explore new stuff together (between the two). Talk with your wife and kids about family activities and such.

   Explore what “feel like this is pretty damn boring and there is more to life” means. Explore the feeling. What do you want out of this?

   It is normal because people sometimes get stuck doing the same things and don’t realize it.

   However, don’t sit on the “it is just normal” part. If you do you risk living the way that you do and not changing something.

   Overall, I think you are tired of living the same way and want something more. Open communication and honesty with family and with yourself are needed.

5. more can always be done, but if you’re feeling bored then you probably should be doing more with eachother and the family. Walks are good, healthy, and tend to clear head space. Some couples swear by going for a 30min walk and how it saves marriages. But see how she feels too, come up with your own ideas, and since you have kids im sure you need to do activies that involve them as well. It’s all an impossible balancing act and sometimes its just easier to let things lye. I know how you feel. It is “normal” but that doesn’t mean its healthy.

6. Op, you do know you have the means/power to change up this “pretty dam boring” routine of yours..

   Like have you thought about some vacations, romantic movies, quick weekend getaways, adding in more romantic gestures/things and such to the relationship? Have you tried to re-light the fire?

7. It’s not what we want, but it is normal in many cases.

8. How often does she get to be completely alone? If I can’t get the house completely to myself at least 1 day, I don’t want to be interact or sit close to anyone. The longer it takes to get that time, the worse I get.

9. It sounds like it could be a lot worse. Try initiating some snuggle time when you’re watching TV. Give a foot rub ect. Play a game together/ or as a family. It little change here and there might really help.

10. Have you discussed this with her? Communication is the first step always. My husband a few months ago said “I miss cuddling, we don’t cuddle anymore” and it shocked me. I didn’t even realize we had stopped! But he was right. Now we both put an effort into being more physically intimate outside of sex and it’s helped so much. Just tell her you miss her, and miss the excitement of life. Ask if you can plan some dates together or pick up a new hobby together.

    I think it’s kinda “normal” that we get into a routine, and it becomes very boring very fast lol but it’s comfortable and predictable so nothing changes. And nothing will change unless you guys change it together

11. Break the norm. Sit next to her on the couch. Put your arm around her. Have a little surprise waiting for her when she comes home. A small gift, flowers etc.

12. Married 20 years, 2 kids 18 & 15.
    He’s typically home by 4, no later than 5.
    We sit on separate couches, talk to each other, regularly have sex, we go out maybe once or twice a month…not too many complaints about things in our marriage.

    My husband goes up to bed to read around 7, sometimes I go up and talk to him right before he goes to bed at about 8pm.
    He’s up & out of the house by 5:15am before we are up.

    It works for us..
    There is no normal. If you are both happy then don’t fix it but you mentioned feeling bored.. what do you want to change?

13. When was the last time you guys went on a date? 20 years ago would you expect sex and cuddling with no effort? She’s busy. Your busy. You want her to want you put in some effort. Don’t make her put out the effort- you do it. Including in the bedroom. If it’s more work to fuck your partner you are going to turn to porn or just not bother. You both need to do the work. If you are wanting her to do the work you have to lead by example first. If you are the one complaining then you DO something about it. Leave the girls at home alone. Take your wife out to laser tag and then a jug of beer with nachos at a pub. Then when you get home ask her if she’s in the mood to be eaten out and then, possibly fucked like you guys used to do? Seems better than just whining about it. OR go on a date to a marriage councillor.

14. **Sure it’s normal. For you two.**

    Doesn’t matter what others do with their relationship. What matters is – are you happy?

    If the answer is yes, keep it up, enjoy what you have.

    If the answer is no, introduce some changes… play gin rummy together, build a puzzle, go shopping, go to a gym. You can mix it up just for yourself too – or go do something solo. just tell her you want more in your evenings and ask if she’d like to join in. If she says no – go do it on your own.

15. I don’t think your situation is abnormal for day-to-day, but you need to mix it up with dates and time together on the weekends. That could be sitting on the back porch catching up over a beer and talking about the future, or a nice dinner, or an activity you enjoy together. My wife and I also take 1-2 trips every year without the kids to reconnect and do something out of the ordinary. Combine that up with family time and vacations, and it can make up for a mundane day-to-day.

16. We’re close to being married for 20 years, 18 to be exact and 24 being together.

    We have a teenager and a 10yo who both run to their rooms to play Xbox or watch their shows while the wife and I basically lounge around either in the living room or in bed like you and your wife.

    I’d browse thru Reddit, check discord and whatnot while she does the FB, IG and whatnot or even finish uo some work on he laptop.

    Our intimacy comes around usually when we start discussing something sexy or like a scene she or I saw and we share it with one another. It gets her in the mood which is the key. I’m always in the mood so im ready.

    Your wife just doesn’t have sex on her mind so it’s pushed down on her priority list and needs to be changed. Maybe text her during the day so something is already in her head when you get home?! Best wishes and good luck!

17. Recently read, although kind of already kind of assumed, that couples spending time on their phones before bed can lead to some negatives in the relationship. Lack of intimacy, disconnection, sometimes divorce. One thing we have recently started doing is phones off at 9. We put our phones away and put the kids to bed and go to bed together to talk or watch a tv show or read together. It’s helped a lot with intimacy and emotional connection and also our sleep overall.

18. My wife and I have been married 51 years and yes it is common for couples over the long haul to fall into a rut, it has happen to us. What you need to do is bring the romance back into your life as an example I started bring her flowers every week or two, we would have a “date night” and go out to dinner or a movie or maybe somewhere to just listen to some music. once a month get someone to watch the Kids and go somewhere for a night or two. Show more affection by complimenting her on things, tell her how much you appreciate the little things she does for you, give her more hugs and kisses, tell her how beautiful she is and that you feel very fortunate she became your wife, go for a ride once a week if you can just the two of you for a couple of hours, it gives you that alone time together to just talk about things and reminisce about the good things that have happen in your marriage. If you have any photos that you have taken during your marriage get them out and look at them together, memories are great for starting a conversation between you two. These are all things that have pulled us back together for 51 years, you need to stoke that fire of intimacy in your marriage.

19. Sit closer to her on the sofa

20. I think you’re describing a pretty normal week night for middle-aged people with a family.

    If that bores you then talk to your wife about changing it up. What would you rather be doing? What do you think other people are doing?

21. Personally, no, this would not be normal for me. I have been married 16 years together 21.
    Any time we watch TV, I’m on him like a kid on candy, lol. In bed, I’m glued directly to him.
    At work, we call to chat during breaks. At home, we talk nonstop.
    Obviously, everyone’s relationship is different, and some people are not as into touch. But for us, that would be very sad and I would not be happy. Best of luck!
    Edit to add after reading other comments. I personally feel it’s unfair to assume the man is not putting in effort. In my marriage, both my husband and I put in effort, and at times, one is putting in more. Yes, ruts happen, of course. But we communicate if our needs are not being met. And we both love each other and are invested enough to want to make the other happy. Personally, my husband never buys me flowers or gifts. I don’t need them. He loves surprises, so I get them for him. It is a crazy assumption to me that the man is always neglecting the relationship. A relationship is with 2 people, and women are just as neglectful as men at times, AND men are allowed to have needs too!

22. I’m in this right now. I’m 38f, hubby is 45. We’re coming up on 7 years. There’s so many issues that have never been dealt with in the past. And honestly it didn’t matter as much as I was at home entertaining my youngest. Well he went to kindergarten this year and now I’m left wondering why I’m even with my husband? He’s so boring. I’ve always been the more wild one of the two but seriously… I’m still young! I want to do so many things, like foster care, traveling, maybe animal rescue, move possibly, all of which my husband says nope to. And is a deal breaker. He’s loved that I’ve stayed home the last five years and made him my best friend…. But it isn’t fun anymore. Ugh. I feel like I want to leave him.

23. Pretty much the same rut my wife and I are in. 20+ years married.

24. Been w my wife 31 years and this is pretty normal for us but we enjoy each other. I’m 49 and she’s about to be 51. My wife also works from home and I’m disabled. So we’re together literally 24/7.

    We enjoy a happy sex life and we went out the other night to a comedy club to see Lovell Crawford but it was the first date night in years. We’re just basically introverts since our daughter married & moved out.

    It’s up to you to know if it’s acceptable or not. If you need or want to make changes talk to your wife. She may enjoy the time spent w you as is. She may not know that you’re unhappy or want to change.

25. Dude as I read this I am literally watching my wife watch something on her phone, going through the same thing as you.

    It’s normal to go through periods like this because you as a family are so busy but you can’t let things get too far off track. I realized the other day that guys like us that are in our 40s with two kids a beautiful wife and career/community obligations have to be serious about prioritizing the marriage, working on it, treating it like a major work project or it will have glitches like a car with bad oxygen sensors. You see a bunch of weird shit, you lose power, but you can’t figure out what the real problem is, then suddenly everything stops working.

26. Sounds like your wife is mailing it in, taking you for granted, and letting your relationship whither. Why dont people realize that any good relationship is constant work and effort? They just wake up one day and go “herpty derp, the spark is gone, the honeymoon is over.” Yeah it is, and you are the reason. Takes two people to make a relationship work.

27. You just take time to enjoy things, I guess.

    Sure, life has a lot to offer it just depends on what you want to do. What kind of person you want to be. What you want your future to look like etc.

28. Life is what you make it. If you’re boring, your life will be boring. Interesting people are interesting because they do things. They go out and have experiences, they make memories, they take risks, and so on. Please understand I’m not saying you’re boring, just giving you some food for thought.

    It sounds from your description like your wife is present as a partner and cares about meeting your needs, which is truly great. But…are you guys friends? Like, really? I’ve been together with my wife for 20 years, married for 14, and I can honestly say she’s my best friend.

    What are you guys doing to make and keep things interesting? I mean, your kids are old enough that you can basically do whatever you want. Do you go on date nights? Weekend getaways? What does she like to do? What about you? Are you doing those things together?

    Also, you mentioned you could stand to lose some weight. As a middle aged guy, it’s critical that you protect your health and get to a healthy weight. A major bonus to doing so would be that your wife will likely find you more attractive, so your sex life will stay good (re: health) and will likely improve. Not only that, but she’ll want to do the things you discussed in your post, like cuddle up to you on the couch and/or in bed in non-sexual situations.

    Good luck, man! I hope you get some good suggestions and things to think about.

29. Get a hobby. Train jiu jitsu.