I’m tired of roundabout, toxicly positive answers to this question. How do you actually make friends as an adult?

33 comments

1. [removed]

2. You have the answer already. You’re just looking for a shortcut where there isn’t one. You need to find groups of people that you have common interests with and you need to show up and participate enough times until you become part of the group. It doesn’t matter much whether that’s a group dedicated to a hobby or just a group dedicated to making new friends. You’re just not taking the action necessary to accomplish your goal. If you want it bad enough, you’ll do it. Otherwise, you’ll just complain about it on here or to anyone who will listen, which will drive them away from you.

   I don’t care if you downvote me. I read your post history and it sounds to me like you’re not happy with yourself, which probably is getting projected outward and people are picking up on that and tend to gravitate away from it.

3. ok so I think it boils down to something like:

   – consistently attend an activity or space attended by people you find interesting, where the expectation is that people who don’t know each other will spend a significant amount of time talking to each other
   – during those conversations, be as pleasant and interesting to talk to as you can
   – if you vibe with particular people, spend more time with them, including outside the original space
   – rinse and repeat until you have friends

4. [removed]

5. A friendship requires exactly these three parts:

   1. Consistent contact.
   2. Unplanned contact.
   3. Any kind of presence that isn’t draining to be around (eg not putting down other people or yourself).

   Those are the fundamentals. Exist somewhere repeatedly and avoid making other people feel bad about themselves or you.

   ​

   In a bit more detail…

   1. Consistently go somewhere that other people go to. This can be somewhere IRL, or it can be somewhere online like a community discord.
   2. Your consistent contact isn’t for the explicit purpose of friends – eg there is something of value to you regardless of whether or not you’re having conversations. This is why clubs and gyms often cause friendships, because you have a selfish reason to be there and you won’t force conversations when there isn’t anything to talk about.
   3. At some point you’ll start to see familiar faces/usernames. You don’t need to go out of your way to talk to them necessarily, at some point it’ll honestly be inevitable that you’ll want to ask them something directly or comment on a shared experience.

   ​

   GL!

6. Haha! I actually wrote a book on this, and am in the process of creating on online course on it. So I have a lot of knowledge in this area.

   I’ll try to keep it simple for the purposes of this post!

   First is, you need a place where you can see people REPEATEDLY. Yes it’s possible to make friends in a “one-off” situation, but that’s really the hard way. How would you know them well enough to even determine if you want to pursue a friendship with them?

   So repetition is key. (I’m currently working on a chapter on WHERE, I’m at Spot #14 with lots more to go, lol!) But just to give you a general idea, obviously places like where you live and work, but beyond that it can be: professional clubs, interest clubs, adult ed classes, adult recreational sports teams, volunteer groups, church groups, join your local rotary club, local meetups, fitness classes at the gym, sports-based fan club, outdoors clubs, etc.

   The next part is making it a point to greet people, get your name out there, REMEMBER their name and (generally) what they said to you. Then make the effort to greet them and have a little conversation EVERY time you see them. It doesn’t need to be lengthy, but it needs to be consistent. Say good-bye at the end, if you can, and something like ‘looking forward to seeing you next time’ or whatever. Just keep the connection going and build a rapport. Once you’ve talked enough that you’ve got a rapport going, it’s important to INVITE THEM TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOU, something OUTSIDE the place where you know them from. (it can take up to several weeks or months to build up to this, depending on how often you see them)

   Something simple like: get something to eat, go for a walk or run, grab a beverage after class/activity/whatever, shop for something, do an errand together, check out a new part of town etc. Then have fun with the person and connect!

   Keep in mind they might not accept the first time you ask because they may be surprised/not mentally ready. Or they may be busy that day. But the NEXT time you ask you may get a ‘yes.’ It’s helpful to have more than one person in mind for potential friendships so you don’t feel like everything’s riding on one person’s response. I’d give it at least three tries before giving up on someone. Oftentimes if they can’t make it, they’ll say something hopeful like “maybe some other time!”

   If you’re intimidated by straight up inviting someone, then make it easier by turning it into a suggestion. “Hey, I’m gonna grab a coffee at Le Cafe after class, wanna join me?”

   That way it’s less pressure and no big deal if they turn you down.

   Friendships are built one-on-one. But, once you make a friend, that often leads to many other excellent connections and future friends.

   Good luck!

7. Same as everyone else. Through hobbies and interests.

8. As someone who’s moved around cities and gone through multiple friend groups multiple times, I can share a bit of my experience.

   I’ve made my closest friends through university, through church (though I don’t go anymore), and through my hobbies. The ones who really stuck around are the ones who shared similar values.

   I’ve found that it helps having a set place to keep returning to – often on specific days and times. You see people enough times and you develop a sense of familiarity. It helps to have a common goal – even something as simple as trying to figure out how to climb a problem at a bouldering gym. From there, I’ll ask certain questions going from simple to a bit more revealing. For instance, I’ll start with asking how they got into bouldering and get to talking about what drives their need to improve. (I.e. I’ll ask if they’ve always been analytical and if that applies to other parts of their life.) If I get a sense that we are on a similar wavelength, I’ll probably ask when the next time they’re climbing so we can go together, or invite them for drinks or something outside the gym.

   It helps to not have any expectations. There are people with whom you’ll only share interests and there are people with whom you’ll build a genuine bond. The latter is rarer than the former, so don’t fuss if you don’t find them right away.

   Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

9. Since you mention you are in a small town, make a post in your local subreddit that you’re looking to make more friends. Describe your personality & list some activities you’d be willing to do with people. You may not get a lot of responses, but have a chat with anyone who does, see where it goes. If you find you have things in common, you can try meeting up for an activity you both enjoy. It doesn’t hurt to try (and if you’re feeling really awkward about it, just blame covid). This is how I met a good friend of mine.

10. Here’s a thing nobody talks about – you won’t like everybody, and everybody won’t like you. Another thing – some folks don’t have time for friendship the way you may want to be friends

    If you join the masters swim club, you will have chemistry with a couple people there. Let’s say that 60 year old guy at the club is consistently hilarious to you. You don’t date 60 year old guys, and he’s got grandkids and a career, and doesn’t want to see a movie with you. But maybe you’re still friends? Maybe this is a mutually respectful relationship, and you enjoy each other’s company when it happens.

    Or you get invited to a dinner club, and you host and make dinner every other month and have a great time with all those people. Make some calls and see if anyone wants to see a movie… but it’s nothing personal when they are too busy. Keep the lines of communication open, things change.

    Friendship is fucking complicated, and modern living makes it more so. But really, you don’t go into a club or event, meet 20 people and *decide* which person to convert to a friend. You’ll feel into who is a good fit for you, and then have to feel into if you’re a good fit for them, and if you have interests and availability in common. It’s a numbers game, and they have half the power in what happens.

    I, myself, feel like if my best friends life changed (“I need to move and take care of my Mom,” or “I got a new job, I’m moving 50 miles South”) I might never see them again. We love each other, but the amount of time we spend together is almost a crime of opportunity. Modern adult friendship is a challenge for everyone, I think.

11. “Toxic” has really lost all of its meaning

    You want specific advice, give specific details

12. Proximity, frequency, and familiarity.

    This is why eventually people hang out with people from work despite not having anything at all in common. Which is often pretty superficial based on needing to get along at work.

    To combat this, or supplement this, you need something you often go to or participate in that the same kind of people often go to or participate in.

    If you keep taking cooking classes (because you are interested in cooking), and run into the same few people each time, the proximity and frequency will likely lead to something outside of those classes. There’s at least something in common about why they keep taking cooking classes, just like why you are. But there’s no guarantee that you have anything in common beyond that. But you never know.

    My best suggestion is to find things you enjoy and pursue them. Keep going to classes or events involving those things. You’ll begin to notice common people, and they may notice you.

    It bridges a gap between people. The awkward difficult part is the initial transition and attempt at something outside of that common thing.

    And that’s too varied for me to suggest any course of action.

    I’m also socially inept and don’t understand humans, so take this all with a grain of salt.

13. My bf is excellent at making friends. Here are some things he does consistently.
    Joins things, attends them regularly, and talks to people. He will talk to anyone. Age, gender, skill level, doesn’t matter. If he sees someone standing alone in a group setting, he will always go up to them and introduce himself. The next thing he does is plan other events and get phone numbers. Even just small things. Like he always has a volleyball in the trunk and he’ll invite people to hit it around. He gets their numbers or Facebook info and invites people. He makes sure these are group events and let’s everyone know they can bring another friend (so they feel more comfortable coming). Occasionally, people say no, he never makes a big deal about it and just tell them to let him know if they want to hang out in the future.

    This is definitely a numbers game. For every 10 people we meet, we get maybe 3 phone number and maybe one of those people will come hang out. He never takes it personally: we’re all adults with busy lives and other friends. But we have made some close, wonderful friends and some really cool networking opportunities because he just puts himself out there all the time.

14. I appreciate where you are coming from and you are not wrong to ask this question. Thank you for starting this discussion. It may be helpful.

15. Have to spend time together which a lot of people don’t have time to do maybe once a week

16. Ime: you don’t.

17. Making friends is all about liking someone who likes you back. That’s all it boils down to. So, all you have to do is smile and join a competitive anime knitting club ^(/s)

    I understand your frustration with overly positive, cliche answers, but there’s some truth to them. No, not everyone will love you for who you are, in fact a lot of people will judge you because they simply don’t like your mug. You *do* have to get out there somehow though, because you can’t make friends unless you’re around people by definition (assuming you don’t mean online friends). Activities you enjoy are a good starting point, so that’s why you get that a lot.

    So yeah, truth is, you need to accept that you can’t skip this ‘get out there’ step. This is not even a fundamental element; it’s an *axiom.* Be it work, family, or activities/clubs, swallow the pill and choose which way you prefer to get in contact with others. Don’t completely disregard activities, because the people that tell you about the friends they made aren’t lying; it just doesn’t have to be *that one activity in particular*. Anything from sports, to book clubs, to D&D playgroups or even volunteering will do.

    As for actionable intel, there are definitely practical things you can do that aren’t ultra-optimistic mumbo-jumbo:

    * Take care of your appearance. Anyone who tells you that looks don’t matter at all is half-lying, but I’m not talking about attractiveness here. Just do the minimum you feel comfortable with doing to look *nice* — nothing more, nothing less. Yes, people can overlook such earthly matters if they like your personality, but we’re all predisposed to certain things when it comes to presentation. It’s not shallow, it’s just how our brains are wired. Also, **hygiene.**
    * Be a good listener. Again, sounds cliche, but let me elaborate. Most people *love* talking about themselves. You give them that chance, you’re already getting brownie points. But be on the lookout, because some people like the opposite: they find others fascinating, and are suckers for listening to your boring endeavors.
    * Have something to talk about. Friendships require conversation. You don’t have to go back 30 years watching sports tapes, or know the ins and outs of Marxism to have a good chat. If you’re a nerd, keep being one and don’t be afraid to share that part of yourself, because you ideally want to meet people with similar interests. One of the best friendships I’ve made was when a girl that I’ve misjudged as a boring, stuck-up socialite mentioned Resident Evil; I just gasped in amazement and voila, we’ve been friends for quite some time.
    * Be open-minded. I mentioned judgement above. I’ve almost lost a few good opportunities at finding friends by ‘judging a book by its cover’. I bet my ass you’ll come across many people that you’ll instinctively say “eh, no way I’m hanging around him/her”…and you’ll be wrong. Unless someone really tingles your Spidey senses, give people a chance. Also, be very careful of any inherent political/social biases you may be carrying, because you might unwillingly insult someone with different beliefs.
    * Humor. I won’t go into detail, because entire books have been written about this. It’s simple: the funnier you are, the more people will like you. But *don’t be a joker.* Self-deprecating is fine in sprinkles, don’t overdo it.
    * Be a chameleon. This kinda goes opposite the ‘just be yourself’ wave, but I’m a firm believer that it works. Being able to adapt to different people is the pinnacle of charisma, and it doesn’t mean you have to act as if you’re someone else. It’s the subtle art of *ever so slightly* modifying your behavior to fit into different groups, without being a two-faced cunt. To give you an example: there are friends that I can be a total goof around, and there are others with whom I enjoy having thoughtful discussions. I always made friends easily, despite the fact that I’m very quiet and reserved. It took me some time, but I realized that I was doing this with new acquaintances without noticing it, and people were more inclined to hang out with me again as a result.

    These are some tips of the top of my head. There’s something important though: this isn’t a strategy guide for making friends with everyone. It’s simply advice for the first stages of *auditing* new, potential friends. First impressions are a thing. Having said that, you shouldn’t try to go at it like it’s hard work. The best friendships happen organically, it can just help expose you to the right people.

18. Get a hobby that involves other people.

    Do said hobby.

    It’s really that simple.

19. HaVe YoU tRiEd MeEtUp.CoM?!?!?!

20. While everything said here is spot on & helpful, sometimes it’s just not going to happen. I had an extremely close-knit circle of friends for 20+ years that I grew up with, but I moved away. Cue 30+, new city, no friends.

    I talk to the moms at the school. I’m friendly, open, approachable. I coo at the babies, ask after family members that I’m familiar with (say, grandad picks the kids up once a week or whatever), I say how cute the kids look on non-uniform day, always take the LO to birthday parties & say hi how are you, thanks for the invite, etc.

    While I’ve been invited to have a cuppa with a couple of them, they’ve turned out to either be a) crappy people or b) busy with their own lives & established with their own friends, so I end up either making excuses or not being invited often.

    While I’d love a friend & deeply miss ordering a pizza together, going shoe shopping together, hanging out down the pub, having people randomly dropping by & even phone calls to shoot the shit with someone I spent the entire day with just three hours ago, after 10 years, I’ve accepted the status quo. Life just sucks sometimes.

    Sorry bud 🙁

21. You kidnap them and lock them in your basement until Stockholm syntom kicks in

22. Have a read of Dale Carnegie’s book ‘How to win friends and influence people’. A lot of people scoff at the book these days because a lot of it seems so obvious, but if you take the book as a whole and implement clusters of changes to what you do and how you do it, the book becomes something of a marvel.

    For example, I can see a post or 2 saying to ‘be interesting when you talk’. Carnegie’s book has a great anecdote about a conversation he has with someone regarding botany iirc. He says he knew nothing about it, and so asked a simple question and then just allowed the other person to talk. From that, he asked further questions about the info provided. He states how he offered nothing to the conversation, but the gentleman he spoke with later praises how ‘interesting’ the conversation and person was, but it was because he was allowed to talk at length about his own love and passion. It made him feel relaxed and enjoy the conversation, albeit mainly one way!

    And so it’s now a technique I use as a starter question in every interview I do… “tell me about what makes you wake up on your day off with a huge smile on your face – what are your loves, passions and interests that make everything worth it for you?” I sit back and let them talk. It’s important I am engaged and I will always ask questions about whatever it is, even if I know nothing about it or am not even interested in that hobby or passion myself. It immediately gets people on your side and they start enjoying spending that time talking with you.

    So there’s your starter… ask about them and be interested.

23. And I’m tired of people thinking there is a magic formula for everything. Everytime I see a post like this, it never seems to be OP’s fault whatever happens. Friendships require commitment and work. Especially as an adult. You need to make free time for your friends which is obviously mot somethinf you’ve done. Never in your post did you take any blame for you being alone. Seeing this, I wouldn’t be your friend either.

    Putting yourself out there means actually going out and meeting people where ever that may be. We can’t tell you that because only you know what you like. Being shy is good and all, but it’s a luxury only independent and introverted people can afford. If you want friends, you have to say “fuck it, what do I have to lose” and go talk to that person that seems charismatic at the bar or the person that knows all the moves in your dance class.

    Sorry if I sound a little straight forward, I didn’t want to sound toxicly positive.

24. For me, all I have to do is go to a place consistently for a few weeks and talk to people

    The way I talk to people is important: I maintain aloof cheerfulness. I don’t at all rely on you or your approval to have a good time here. I don’t need you to appreciate my jokes or like me as a person. I’m talking to you and saying what I want to say

    People pick up on that. I’m not there to make friends and I have absolutely zero expectations of them. That puts people at ease.

    Then what I say is another part. I either tell personal stories that relate to them, chat about something related to the activity, or ask surface and non-threatening questions

    Another important point is showing vulnerability and that you are human in ways that people are generally comfortable with, modified based on information you know about the specific person. It generally makes people uncomfortable to hear that I’m a disabled cancer survivor, so I don’t start with that. Maybe that I visited my parents and feel pretty drained. But people have to relate to you, and letting them relate to a flaw or vulnerable spot us a great way to do that. And that’s exactly why you need to pick the vulnerability carefully: if they can’t relate, they’ll definitely be uncomfortable. If they can relate, and you didn’t overshare or go to hard, no they relate and feel closer to you

    Also show how you’re different, show some backbone. People pick up when you are being a people pleaser, and they don’t like that. So I push back on them sometimes, or I demonstrate that I have cool other hobbies. It can be as simple as saying I’ve never seen Star Wars when someone references it to me, or disagreeing with an opinion. This also weeds out people who dislike it when people disagree with them, which is a toxic friendship

    Past that, listen to as much stand up comedy as you can. Don’t listen to one specific comedian or a few. Listen to dozens or hundreds of different comedians. Years ago, I listened to CBC’s laugh out loud for several hours per day, which includes tons of different comedians. I learned how to be habitually funny, and that has served me so well

    Wouldn’t you want to hang out with a laid back guy who has no expectations of you, relaxed and confident, who tells jokes, talks about things that you are interested in, and has relatable flaws?

25. I feel that a major component of long lasting adult friendships is shared trauma. I have had some kind of shared trauma with all of my close friends like both of us making similar bad decisions while in college, both of us having horrible luck with the opposite gender etc. We have always been able to get a beer and laugh over these shared traumas, which I feel has lead to us not judging each other. Even though we might have different personalities and opinions, we have always been able to look past that all this, because deep down we don’t judge each other because of the shared traumas.

    Also a major thing to consider with adult friendships is the difference between an acquaintance and a real friend. I have many ‘facebook friends’ who I can’t really hang out with, as I can’t truly be myself around them. Many factors like they are judgmental, don’t want to hang out with you etc. But many of my great friends were acquaintances at one point, so I guess it’s time that will decide your future friends.

26. Do u have a hobby? if yes, what is it? if no, why not try a new hobby ( one that is beneficial), join local group with the same hobby, share experiences among one another >> friends

27. Go to a Events and meet ups of things that interest you; chat with people there. although I am really struggling because I am high-risk and I don’t know what’s going to happen with all of these mask mandates being lifted.

28. For me tbh it comes down to actually planning things for you to do

    Im going to assume you already make contact with SOME people. Like at work, classes, gym, online even. Try and organize an event/activity to do together where you take the lead, get phone numbers, pick a day, pick an activity. Don’t worry so much about coming off as eager, odds are most people have less stuff going on then you think and will be happy to leave the house

    I’ve also moved around a lot since I was a kid (still do, moved during covid to a new city). What you need to realize is, in these situations, YOU are the one that needs to make friends not them. So you have to put in more effort then them to get the ball rolling, it sometimes may feel like its a one sided relationship but its just a function of the fact that they will have a larger role in your life then you will in theirs until you have an established circle.

    For me, sports and work have been places where I’ve turned acquaintances into friendships by doing this

29. First you say adult. Adult 27, 32 or 45. All have a different meaning and outcome. As the years of adultness grew so did my priority list as most do. At this point at 44 tell ya the truth but I ditched my naive optimism a decade ago. I don’t think friends are mor than a work acquaintance or a economical bitchfest or a weather prediction. Our society has created its own financially driven prison to socially detour these acts. I know this is a bit of conspiracy theory, but I see people rushing to their crap at any retail store so they can complete that chore. We are no more than obstacles. Trying to talk to someone in the isle and make small talk is received as nuisance at best but most are just brain dead. Its also hard at this point in life as we have obligations and responsibilities that hinder the regular social connection chores, projects, children, an ex. (No mater the marital status they are always part of your life). Then there are the mental barriers ”disorders” that are learned behavior. We have become callous, cynical, judgmental, and just lacking mojo. I do miss a social connection and reminisce of when this was my life in CA. From moving around to different states I do think social prowess does vary. Anyone have any theories on this?

30. I’ve nothing to contribute.

    I just want to applaud the phrase toxicly positive you used. Describes what I think about a lot of social situations.

31. If you get any kind of helpful answer to this question, PLEASE tag me.

32. Thats because the real answers to the question are not answers that people like to hear.

    The real answers are:
    1) Be hot (male, female, doesn’t matter)
    2) Be popular (eg: be rich, be a celebrity, pretty much just be someone in a position of high social status where people will naturally gravitate towards you)
    3) Be in a job/hobby that involves a lot of networking and where you meet new people on a constant basis (eg: sales/trade conferences, go to raves all the time, go to conventions all the time, go to sports games all the time, etc – basically things that the average Redditor is highly unlikely to do).

    ….hmm this post sounded a lot more depressing than I expected it to. But it wasn’t supposed to. Basically the point is – there is no specific or “easy” answer to making friends, which is the exact same thing people are looking for when they make these kinds of threads.

33. Consistency, find things you like to do and do them consistently. Gyms, poetry nights, bingo, dog parks, Comic-Con stuff, improv, knitting, etc. find those activities and do them consistently. Also, when doing those thing, don’t gossip-ever. Just don’t.

    I have kids and find that that’s very helpful in making friends.

    Dog people, musicians, runners…. Always seem to find “their people”