It’s Sunday, and I’m sick and bored. Let’s see what ya got.
I’m an early 30’s guy. I’ve dated a respectable amount of women. I don’t typically have much issue landing a date with just about any woman because of my confidence and outgoing-ness. My issue comes with getting them to stick around. The majority of the problem is the type of woman that I attract. I was recently told by a female friend that I attract broken toys. Women who are typically processing some trauma, depression, or grief. They tend to heal themselves through me and then depart once they are, and date someone else.
An example:
My last ex literally and seriously had a discussion with me where she asked if I could develop some kind of toxic trait. (I’d already surmised by then that she required drama and narcissism in a relationship to feel “normal”.) One of the proposed ideas was if I were to talk to other women behind her back. To which she replied, “No, that wouldn’t work. I would trust you too much”.
This is why I attract women in those stages of their lives:
I’m very successful. Top 7% of earners in my age bracket. I own my own home and hold multiple advanced degrees. I’m emotionally mature because I’ve been through hell and have put the work in to heal myself. I was raised by a single mother, so I respect, support, and protect women. I’m viewed as extremely reliable, take charge, and a solid pillar.
So why am I single? And before anyone says “you just need to treat women badly” just don’t. I’d rather stay single than ever treat a woman (or anyone poorly) with intent during any period of a relationship.
Drop some questions in the comments or message me. I will respond.
38 comments
When you date women, do you communicate that you want something long term in the early stages of the relationship?
Don’t date broken toys, date women as emotionally inteliigent as you.
Other than that you are setting yourself up for failure beforehand.
I’m sure you can see if thery’re *damaged goods* from miles away.
I’d ask myself if I have the need of fixing them or it’s just I make shitty choices.
Do you have clear goals?
Wish I could give you an answer to that but I had the same problem until a decade ago when I gave up. Been single ever since. Very lonely existence. No dates no relationship. So don’t give up trying because next thing you know your 50 and have no clue how to get back into it.
I am in a similar predicament…. I recently realised that I was subconsciously attracting/choosing the wrong men (also broken, mean or crazy), like in a self sabotaging way because I have my own shit to resolve.
Decided to work on my own shit (still figuring out what that is exactly as I dunno)… and then maybe see if I would go for different people in the future. Dunno if that resonates with you in any way
Do you go for a particular trait or type when dating these women long term? If you’re attracting the wrong type are you looking in the wrong places? Find the common denominator of where or how you end up these types and try break the cycle.
America
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I’ve found that some of the best people find it the hardest to get into relationships. Sadly, most people have trauma and head mess that affects their relationships that they haven’t resolved (or don’t know how). I’ve worked my ass off being single for the last 4 years (30F now) to deal with my baggage. And now I’m at a point that I can’t seem to find a person that’s actually right for me. Whereas before, I’d easily latch on to the wrong people, and hurt myself in the end.
I’m happier overall, and have no problems getting dates, but I just don’t feel anything for someone if they show red flags anymore. And that seems to be everyone 😅
Good question been asking that myself
And I’m officially at 100 in terms of ghosted/getting stood up
Making new records!
One thing that really helped me with this was therapy. Having another person asking me directly what I wanted in a long term partner and then asking how the people I was going for lined up with that vision (which they totally didn’t).
I gotta ask bro, why are you not wanting to stay with these women? Just because someone has trauma/mental health issues/baggage doesn’t mean they’re not capable of healing within the context of a long-term relationship. It doesn’t seem like you’ve spent more than a few months to a year with someone so that’s not enough to time to really “harmonize” with someone. Is it possible that you’re the one pushing these women away when you find out you have to do the work to support them rather than giving them the time and space to develop themselves while dating you?
If you liked these women enough, and you tried to support them and be there for them, are you seriously telling me that every single one of them said something like “no, I need someone who’s more broken than you?” I have to be mean for the purposes of giving you a new perspective but i sounds like you didn’t really care enough about these women to continue to give them chances at a relationship with you for longer than a few months.
Others mentioned therapy and once again I’m being mean on purpose for the sake of a different perspective but there’s never NO reason that you’re not in a relationship. If you’re trying to suggest that you’ve been unlucky for a decade then I find that hard to believe. Unfortunately, because of you success it might make it hard to past all your positives to discover what some of those negatives might be. It’s possible that seeing a therapist, especially if you have the time and money to spend on it, will give you perspective that you’ve never had before.
I’m in the mental health field and I need to confirm that seeing a therapist doesn’t make you crazy/different/weird/broken/etc. It is simple paying for the time to talk to someone who has the ability to listen completely and fully.
Early 30s F here. There was a time I started feeling it was me, I must be the problem, too. I found it hard to read men on dates, at some point even couldn’t decide if I liked someone or I was just trying to stop being single. Took a break from dating, made more friends, tried new activities. Turns out I have a great time in those social situations, and no problem interacting with men or anyone at all! It’s the nature of online dating apps I guess. Now I’m back to meeting new people, but it’s slow, more relaxed, and I trust myself more.
Also want to assure you a lot of great women will appreciate so many of the qualities you mentioned! Hang in there buddy!
So the one thing that you will not want to hear is that it sounds like you are a people pleaser and tend to attract emotionally unavailable people in some capacity. We do this when we too somewhere deep down are emotionally unavailable which is why you chose these people.
I know you asked another poster if they were dating whilst working on their crap the honest answer is that you shouldn’t be – at least for 6 months.
You are using them as a distraction from your own healing by helping them fix their problems and ignoring your own.
You will continue to make the same choices in people, unless you heal those parts of you.
You’re just having bad luck meeting the right person. Don’t give up. Not much else to say, good luck.
>My issue comes with getting them to stick around. The majority of the problem is the type of woman that I attract. I was recently told by a female friend that I attract broken toys. Women who are typically processing some trauma, depression, or grief. They tend to heal themselves through me and then depart once they are, and date someone else… This is why I attract women in those stages of their lives—**NO!**
I’ve (32m) shifted the tides away from that trend in my own life, so I can tell you how it’s done. I was also raised by a single mom, emotionally stable, high paid earner, etc. It lends itself to a very unique vulnerability. Ready?
These are the types of women almost **every** man attracts. Why? Because many are looking for safe harbour in the storm of their own lives, and most men are capable of providing the minimum required for that. The difference is *you tolerate it,* or turn a blind eye, or hope and pray things will change—ironically because you *aren’t* selfish and *don’t* put your needs first like some men might. You don’t ask for an equal partnership, and so you aren’t getting one, and although you think that means they’ll be grateful, in the end they were too distracted to ever truly bond with or appreciate you to the fullest capacity. This is the same advice I would give to my female friends who date assholes and seem to be “stuck” with them.
You can’t stop them from being attracted to you, or even pursuing you, but you can set a strict set of standards you won’t tolerate and firm boundaries to that end. They may sound ruthless, but your love life is your own responsibility, and nobody else is going to see it through for you. For example, I dated a woman once who lived overseas and assured me, time and again, that she was “almost” coming here. But every time we’d check in about the progress, she’d push it off and say I was “pressuring her” (literally just asking if she’d made headway on her visa, or if she needed help because I knew the process, or anything else).
I don’t blame her, I’m not mad at her. I’m sure she was really struggling to find her way. But since then I made a rule that I’ll only date local residents who already have plans to stay here permanently.
Same goes with one who was still in touch with an abusive ex, and one who said she wasn’t ready for anything serious, and so on.
You can be open-minded, and you can be accepting, and you can be compassionate and forgiving and loving. These are admirable traits. But you also should set out what aspects of a **relationship** are *unsustainable* for what you want, and be willing to cease dating *anyone* who *can’t or won’t* provide it.
>Women who are typically processing some trauma, depression, or grief.
Perfect example. There’s nothing wrong with dating someone in the throes of something difficult, but you have to be *very* cognisant of their true relationship readiness. Why not offer to just be friends and offer to resume dating when they’re ready? You’re not “bad” or “wrong” for someone who isn’t capable of giving you the same romantic energy you want to give, no more than someone who doesn’t want to date a single parent who can’t invest in the relationship either.
How are you visually speaking?
Have you read the book “No More Mr Nice Guy?” It would seem to address your situation directly. Attracting broken toys then having them walk. You don’t have to treat women badly, but I would suggest you can have better boundaries, be less emotionally available by focusing on *you* not *them*, and drop the savior complex. Suddenly you will stop seeing women who need to be saved as attractive, at all.
I’m guessing the good girls are in your friend-zone maybe? Also, what is your type and besides your status, what are your values, what do you look for in a partner, are you looking for a wife and children? There are so many more questions I could ask you to figure out why you are single.
Me 1 year ago would have been way too intimidated to date you, if we did go on a date or two I probably would have told myself I’m not good enough and talked you out of continuing with me.
Know that’s a me problem but makes me wonder if this is the same for other girls
We’re practically in the same boat. While those I’ve dated were very wonderful women and they didn’t have a lot of toxic-men trauma, they did all have trauma.
I used to say, I suppose I still do, that I have a similar curse to that guy in the… Can’t recall the name of the movie. That when he… Makes love, to someone, they’ll then find their true love.
I kinda have a similar “curse” but for me it’s “have a serious relationship” that triggers the curse.
So far at least half of the girls I dated found their true love right after me, I thought more but it’s been 10+ years and sometimes love doesn’t last. All but one found someone less than half a year after me.
Now to the advice, if one could call it that, I think high-value people have a harder time finding someone because there are fewer high-value people out there.
I have some extremely attractive friends, supermodel level gorgeous. But they can’t find a decent partner. If they do it rarely last. They often find someone who’s also gorgeous, but gorgeous have options. Either they find someone new,.more exiting, more interesting, better. Or they get bored because there are infinite possibilities and They’re never completely satisfied.
I once asked ome of my male “player” friends; “Doesn’t it get difficult? After having slept with, and been in relationships with several hundred different people, how do you settle down woth someone? Isn’t there always something someone else did better?”
And he got real quiet for a long while, then just said “… Yeah…”
A therapist would be so much better qualified than reddit, where mental illness is rifer than alcohol usage among survivors of trauma lol :p
Speaking purely anecdotally and therefore possibly with no real evidence, I’ve come across a fair few guys with single mums who end up dating women who they need to fix. Ask a psychologist, we are all woefully underqualified. Please don’t become a woman-hating weirdo though lol, the asking reddit for help with women to Tate pipeline is real lol.
If you have dated many women and many of them did to you what you describe on the post, maybe you should take some time to think about a ‘pattern’. Some attitudes that you see in these people so that you can start seeing the signs earlier and not be in a relationship with someone like that.
Some good introspection wouldn’t hurt you either. In the post it seems like the problem are always the women (this is what I gathered from the post, correct me if my assumption was just wrong), but that rarely is the case. Any relationship is between the people in the relationship, so think about what they did, but also what mistakes you have done.
Expand your network as much as possible. Make more friends that you love spending time with. They will naturally introduce you to more people that you will love spending time with and some of those people might be women you could potentially date. Start a beginners pickle ball league, join a bowling league, if you are religious get involved in a small group, join a running club, etc. You will be so much more attractive if you are really happy doing your own thing and just living life to the fullest.
You sound nonchalant. Maybe youre single because you don’t put in the effort of having a lasting relationship. And not to be one sided, maybe the girls your seeing don’t put that effort in either.
If you’re looking for something long term (and at your age I would, youre closer to 40 than 20) then I would try to find someone with very similar or nearly identical faith, morals, ethics, etc. Because in the long term these things will be addressed eventually and they cannot easily be compromised on.
I think your question can be better answered by a certified love/intimacy coach
Are you aware that they’re “broken” before you date them or is this something you find out during dating? When you form an attachment to them, is it before or after you find out about the trauma they’ve been through?
In my experience and through a lot of research I’ve done to address my own singleness, when we seem to attract a certain type of person, it’s usually that we seek them out instead. Do you feel like you can “fix” them? That’s a common reason for seeking out people who we think are broken and it usually stems from feeling broken ourselves or seeing our own trauma in them. Even if it’s trauma you’ve worked through, seeing it in someone else can remind us of what we went through and how we may have needed someone to “fix” us back then.
On the contrary, if it really is that they seek you out, then it’s possible that they are aware you offer the stability they’ve wanted for so long but because there’s no drama or toxicity that they’re used to, it feels uncomfortable. They associate relationships with a certain feeling and without it, they may believe that it’s not good enough. Which is definitely something they need to work on.
It’s not easy figuring out why you end up with a type of person nor is it easy to know how to change it. My biggest advice is to be more conscious when dating – when you feel attached to someone for the first time, really think about why. Have they triggered some trauma in you? Do they remind you of yourself or someone close to you that you feel needed fixing? Is there evidence of the pattern of “broken toys”?
It sounds harsh but if you notice the patterns then you might need to step back from them, maybe even step away completely. It’s a long process and includes working on yourself as much as identifying patterns. It may even be that you need a “vetting” process when you first start talking/dating someone. It’s perfectly okay to state what we want out of a relationship and what we expect. It helps weed out those who aren’t a good fit.
Finally, it’s okay to be single until you meet someone who is right for you.
Well I don’t know you but I could say “you attract who you are.” Maybe you are also a broken toy that’s needs to be fixed. You say you were raised by a single mum and have respect for women. Maybe you feel sad for the broken women and want to fix them?!
I feel ya bro, I’ve had similar situations especially being rain checked occasionally and been stood up. Just keep moving and don’t give up. Don’t let a bunch of bad stuff in the air blind you of what is out there for you. Be blessed!
You just haven’t met the one you’re supposed to be with yet. You both will recognize the value in each other and the peace you bring each other and that will be that. Until then, don’t entertain obviously broken people.
Maybe you shouldn’t put your financial information online. Just a saying, you don’t need to validate yourself with that. I don’t know if that’s a cry for help or show off. But it’s wrong and you’re gonna attract the wrong people from this group. 😒 again, it’s not anything you did. It’s the millennial curse. Millenials do not want to settle down or commit. I’ve had my fair share of that dose, and it has weakened me. If you find a woman you’re attracted to today, would you court her and pop up the question? So maybe you should reconsider what your values are. I’m so sick of it, but thank God I look like a teenager, cause the only people that have guts to try to push for something more meaningful, as much as it saddens me is the genz. And I have to be ok with it. Thank God I am a younger millennial cause too much age gap in the opposite direction, will just kill my spirit.
Also, instead of putting finances, maybe put statistics like your physical features. That might play a role, too. Maybe they aren’t attracted to you and just need you as a comfort zone to heal. Maybe you’re still a virgin, maybe you’re overweight, maybe you’re not great in bed, maybe you have a very small penis size. Maybe they are finding excuses to get away from the relationship. Maybe you’re suffocating them. Also, I have dated guys with asbergers on the autism spectrum and guys with adhd. boundaries , social cues, and no, it doesn’t seem to register well. I really don’t know what your situation might be. It might be hygiene too cause God knows if you smell funny, I don’t care if you own the Bank of America. I am not going to be with you. Couldn’t stomach it.
I volunteer as tribute to test out why you’re single lol. Come to KC, and we’ll run a gauntlet of tests lol
Lol yes, because physical attributes and “short-comings” are far less shallow than sharing about financial status.
Die on whatever hill makes you feel comfortable, but in my respectful opinion, your thoughts on what may contribute here are as much of a non-factor as those that you listed that should be redacted.
Imo just gotta keep dating around and you’ll probably eventually find the one.
I know this is common advice but it works… stop sort of intently looking and enjoy the ride. The right one will eventually come for you.
I’ve gotten the “you’re just too good” before. I am a single mom and I am fat, so I think guys expect me to be sad, broken, desperate, insecure. I look somewhere between a cute/sexy girl next door and a manic pixie dream girl. So a lot of guys assume it will be some sort of rescue exchange: they’ll save me from my sorry state and I’ll make their life fun and interesting. When the reality is I’m not sad or desperate, I don’t need rescuing, and I’m not a plot device here to make someone’s life less dull. I own my house, I make more money than most of the guys I date and I really enjoy my job, I have fulfilling friendships and non-traumatic family ties, I have hobbies, I volunteer, and I travel. I’m looking for an equal partner, and while they don’t have to have their life flawlessly together or be absolutely free of trauma (at my age, everyone has at least some trauma), I don’t want a relationship to be a rescue.
I think the question for you is: are you, in any subconscious way, looking for women that need saving? If it’s a strong pattern in who you date, but is it who you attract, who you’re attracted to, or both? Are there standards/expectations you should change that would shift your matches in a healthier direction?
Drop a pic
So after reading your posts and some of your replies, I have two thoughts.
First, you sound like a doormat. Saying you were raised by a single mother and you respect, support, and protect women. Is this all women? When you’ve gotten into arguments with the women you’ve dated do you just crumble and say she’s right? Do you go out of your way to help people?
I didn’t see this mentioned too much, but if you’re a massive doormat that people take advantage of, while some women might find it attractive at first, they won’t in the long run. There’s a difference between taking care of a woman who deserves it, and being stepped on because you don’t know how to say “no.”
So, grow a backbone. Unless none of the above applies.
Second, the common denominator here is you.
How are you only seeming to meet broken people? Is it how you’re meeting them, or because they’re who you’re attracted to? And why are you attracted to them? Are you hoping to fix their lives or something (get rid of that illusion if that’s the case, that will only ruin your life).
There has to be some common thing about how you’re meeting these women or what keeps attracting you to them that you need to analyze.
Lastly, you seem like the guy that probably has female friends. Are they also broken like the women you date? If not why don’t you date them?
Dunno man. Humans are complicated. All you can do is naturally go into dating and let the chips fall where they may. Not being successful can be baffling. And no one other than the women things didn’t work out with can tell you why things didn’t work out.
That’s the long and the short of it. Not trying to be unhelpful but there’s so many factors involved with being single. Why that is what you are doing in specific situations. What you look like vs the women you’re meeting what you’re looking for etc you have a hint of arrogance to your post which isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a deal breaker for some women, so that’s not even a “see that’s it!” Nobody can answer your questions effectively without seeing your life play out in front of them.
But good luck my guy.