Tl;Dr: Can/ should you get engaged while legally separated from ex-spouse?
Legally separated for slightly over 24 months. Divorce is dragging on due to child custody, separation of assets and a past spouse being a high conflict co-parent.
I have a new partner whom I love dearly and want to show her that I am committed to her and value her. I would like to propose to her and ask for her hand in marriage. When is the appropriate time? Before the end of the divorce, now, or after the divorce? If after the divorce, should I offer this wonderful woman a promise ring in the meantime?
All thoughts appreciated. Thank you!
6 comments
After the divorce. At this moment, your promise is sort of empty cos you are tied to someone else. You can’t give your own hand in marriage away if it’s not legally available. So while it all seems and sounds nice, it’s celebrating this new connection too soon to get engaged now.
You two are together. You intend to be with her. If there are legal things you want to arrange (like beneficiaries or a will in case of death etc), there are steps you can take now. Those are more specific about your wishes. But otherwise: why the rush to commitment? If you are together, you are together. A promise ring doesn’t give her more legal rights, but can be nice symbolism.
First, you need to think about what a new marriage would look like and how it will impact your kids. Do your children have a good relationship with this partner? They’re most likely processing the divorce still on some level, and while you shouldn’t let them have the final say on your love life, you have to take them and their feelings into consideration. There’s no set timeline on these things.
Have you discussed marriage with your new partner at all? Have you discussed what you each think married life would look like? Does she want kids? Do you want more kids?
How do you think your ex will react? Again, your ex should not dictate your love life, but you’re coparenting, and have to take how it will impact your already strained relationship with her, because that just circles back to how it impacts the kids
What prompted your first divorce? Nothing sadder than seeing people go from one spouse to another without addressing the issues, looking inward, etc..I guess that’s how you can show her you’re committed, doing the work so that it doesn’t happen again.
After the divorce, and no promise ring. Promise rings are for teenagers lol. Get your commitments taken care of, THEN think about engagement
Are you sure you want a woman 15 years your senior? When you are her age she will be 70.
My dad dragged out my parents divorce for 4.5 years, it was quite awful. Anyway my mom got “committed” about 3 years after that (1 year with the new partner) and then “married” (not legally) right after the divorce was finalized. My dad always claimed she cheated but I find that laughable when I know for a fact she started dating about 1.5 to 2 years after the divorce started.
Once you both know the relationship is over, that’s it. The legal proceedings can be difficult but they come only after the end of your relationship. Plus the one spouses ability to make them delay and delay and delay can be torturous and can be used as a way to manipulate the other partner into interacting with them. Don’t let your spouse decide when you can emotionally move on, only you can. What I would be more concerned of is confusion to your kids and insecurity about whether they will be put first, or if this new wife will be put first in your eyes. I hope you side with the kids when they need you.