My (F30) boyfriend (M43) of 6 months or so was on the phone with his male friend last night. He had it on speaker phone because he wanted me to “meet” his good childhood friend who lives far away. They chatted for a bit, I said hi and interjected a couple of times but it was mostly the two of them catching up.
Toward the end my bf asked his friend about his dating life as he’s recently single. His friend said he wasn’t really focusing on dating right now and then my boyfriend said “can’t you just f\*ck some of your students?” (Apparently he is a college professor). His friend kind of laughed and was like “nooo that would be very wrong” and my boyfriend pushed it a bit more and it seemed very light and joking, but then his friend said “I mean, some of them are hot but they’re all pretty dumb” to which my boyfriend said “ooh even better! Sounds perfect to me! I’d do it!”
At this point the joke had gone too far for me and I just kind of looked at him with obvious shock and hurt. He took one look at my face and started laughing again. He said something like “oops I don’t think my girlfriend liked that!” To his friend over the phone. Then he playfully put his hands over my ears and said “I’m covering my girlfriend’s ears while I tell you how much fun that sounds!”
I took his hands off my ears and pulled away from him. He spoke to his friend for another couple minutes then said goodbye and turned to me and asked “are you mad at me?” To which I said “no, but I’m very hurt.”
He got very annoyed and said things like “well I guess I’ll just change my whole sense of humor then!” And “it’s just a joke! You’re too sensitive!” I started involuntarily tearing up and he said “I’m not going to talk to you if you cry. I’m just going to go sleep in the other room tonight.”
I convinced him that sleeping apart would just make me more upset, and I managed to stop the tears and we chatted for a while and he assured me it was just a joke and he didn’t mean it at all. I said it was a really hurtful and disrespectful joke, but eventually we moved on and started watching tv. He never actually apologized for it though and just left me feeling like I was overly sensitive to a nominal joke.
This morning we had sex and the whole time all I could think about was how he’d probably rather be banging an 18 year old college student instead. It was awful. I wasn’t into it at all.
He’s made jokes like this before that were borderline disrespectful and hurtful, but this was by far the worst. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this one. I’ve already started to look for other places to live so I can leave him… but I’m just wondering if I’m overreacting? I’d like some outside opinions on if this was just a harmless joke and I should let it go, or if this is as hurtful as I feel it is and I should make moves to get out of the relationship.
Our relationship is wonderful otherwise and I do really love him, so I don’t want to leave. But I just don’t know how to get past that comment…
TLDR: boyfriend made a joke to his friend in my presence about how much fun it would be to have sex with his friend’s college students. I was very hurt by the joke and now it’s really affecting me emotionally. Am I overreacting?
48 comments
I’ve recently learned that it’s not what they say that matters but how they respond when they realize it hurt someone they love. How your boyfriend responded to being hurt by that comment is a MAJOR RED FLAG. Even if he said wasn’t that bad, it was to you and it should matter to him when you are upset. Such as my boyfriend who made a comment recently that I took the wrong way and it upset me, he stopped immediately, hugged me and we had a long conversation where most the time he was upset himself for saying it.
Your boyfriend just got defensive, and you said he wouldn’t even talk to you if you cried. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that?
What he said was pretty messed up, even in jest with his friend, but he’s telling you how he’s gonna react when you say something bothers you. If my SO told me something I did/said upset him, I’m gonna sit down with him and ask what happened from his view, and see if I need to alter anything about myself such as not making certain jokes around him. The fact that your boyfriend was so dismissive and he just told you that you’re too sensitive is a huge red flag to me.
The whole “it’s just a joke! You’re too sensitive!” is classic toxic/narcissistic behavior. Then he really drove it home by “punishing” by sleeping away from you instead of apologizing like a normal human being for hurting your feelings. Eventually you will speak up less and less to avoid the punishment for your feelings being hurt.
I dealt with this for many years with my ex-husband, it never ends or gets better. He made a lot of mean “jokes” at my expense, funny he didn’t like it too much when I started doing it back to him, suddenly it wasn’t that funny! I don’t say this lightly..get out now.
He sounds like a douche bag who doesn’t care about your feelings and upsetting you. You are not being too sensitive the joke itself is gross and his response to you being upset should be a major red flag.
Ew. His reaction to your being made uncomfortable by his gross, and repeated comments is pretty telling. He saw your face and pain and didnt apologize but tried to cover up your ears so he could keep making the joke and being gross.
Furthermore, there is truth in humor. He may have been “just joking” but this “joke” clearly demonstrates his beliefs on women, youth, and intelligence. Laughing about how dumb 18 year olds are and that it would be easier to fuck them and fuck them over is pretty gross IMO, especially as a 40something year old man.
A man that age could be the father to an 18 year old girl. A man that age knows better, or should have the mentality that that sort of behaviour is deplorable. A man that age should hopefully have at some point learned to respect women.
Clearly this man has not.
You’re looking into ways to leave and I personally don’t think that is overreacting. If I found out my long term partner actually thought about young women as sex objects I would be ready to bounce on out of there too. If I was shown how my feelings and thoughts virtually don’t matter to someone I’ve been in a relationship with I’d be wondering about their motives for wanting to be with me at all then. Plus, he’s gaslighting you for feeling that way.
Dude’s a chump, girl. Find a man who respects you and women.
How are you hurt and not completely grossed out that your 43 yr old SO thinks it would hot to fuck a “dumb” 18yr old. That’s disgusting, and you’re an idiot if you stay with him. Also: newsflash, he wasn’t joking. He was 100% serious his (presumably similarly aged friend) should fuck his teenaged students.
Guy here: I am gonna second the it’s not just the joke but how he didn’t think it would affect you. Some people are ok with this kind of humor but obviously you are not. Regardless of whether this was funny or not, the “if you cry I’ll just go sleep on the other room” is in MY OPINION the best reason for you to leave him. Instead of caring about how you feel, he is gonna run away every time you are hurt. Yes, the relationship is wonderful, until it isn’t. You are not overreacting but I guess you will need to figure out whether this is a deal breaker or not.
It’s a really tasteless joke. But his reaction is the worst part. “We’ll I guess I’ll just change my whole sense of humor then” is a major red flag. You never said that. He’s creating a false equivalency. You talked about one joke so he’s taken the opportunity to equate it to his whole humor in order to make you appear unreasonable. He wasn’t willing to have an honest conversation with you in that moment. He was manipulating you.
“It’s just a joke. You’re too sensitive” for instance, are very common things said by people who engage in verbal abuse.
Also, when you started to cry, he still decided that rather than comfort you, he was the bigger victim because you dared to calmly raise an issue over his offensive joke.
This dude is bad news. I can only guess you’ll realize more bad things about him now that 6 months have passed and he will stop policing his behavior as strongly. Maybe this is a one off situation where he’s a dick. Sure. But be careful.
I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. As I read, my mouth literally fell open in disbelief. He seems like a complete and utter disrespectful arsehole. You are not overreacting at all. He should not be joking about having sex with other women and his disgusting attitude towards them is just horrible. Personally, it would be a dealbreaker for me. Trust your gut. X
No, your feelings are valid.
He invalidated you, and said he won’t talk to you due to x, y, z reasons… which he caused. He took no responsibility. That is the red flag, and I would leave.
He sounds like a child.
You know, we don’t really know your dynamics and I get that some couples do joke like that. I personally, wouldn’t like it either. Have you told him before that his jokes are disrespectful and you don’t like them? If you have, then he just doesn’t respect your boundaries which is a major red flag.
Keep in mind that if YOU don’t like something YOU are not overreacting.
The joke was shitty and disrespectful, but what’s truly problematic here is the way he responded to you expressing your concerns and emotions- he minimized them and essentially browbeat you into hiding how you felt because he didn’t want to deal with it. He sounds very immature, manipulative, and potentially misogynistic. The way he speaks about women who aren’t in the room is very telling. I cannot imagine what he might have said without you present. I also wonder how he thinks and speaks of you when you’re not there.
You shouldn’t have sex when you don’t want to have sex or aren’t enjoying having sex.
Also a 43 year old should not be joking about taking advantage of a power imbalance to have sex with a teenager. That’s *horrific*.
The comment was gross but that’s not the real problem here.
The problem is how he responded when you challenged him on it. The man clearly has zero capacity to work through a conflict like a reasonable adult. He basically threw a tantrum at you for being upset by what he said. The whole “Well I guess I’ll just have to change my whole sense of humour” thing is a HUGE red flag because shit like that is specifically designed to flip the conversation and make you the bad guy, because you’re suddenly being unreasonable and asking him to change who he is. Which you weren’t. You were expressing your hurt over a specific action of his; and rather than take accountability for that action and think about how to navigate this with you, he flipped out like a moody teenager and punished you be withdrawing affection.
Listen, I know you don’t want to break up and I suspect part of you came here wanting to be convinced that it wasn’t that big of a deal so you don’t have to leave. But how somebody navigates conflict or differences of opinion, or even just periods of increased stress, is one of the most important and revealing aspects of how they will be as a partner to you. The fact that everything else has been great so far actually means very little; it’s easy for things to be great when you’re getting along well and there are no issues to resolve. But now an issue HAS come up, and he’s shown you that when push comes to shove he is nasty and dismissive and immature. So if you stick around, that’s what you can expect the next time he does something you don’t like and you have the nerve to tell him so.
EDIT: oh my God girl I just read your post history…how can you say the relationship has been wonderful so far?? There’s at LEAST 2 other instances in the last 6 months of him behaving exactly the same way. Please tell me you recognise there’s a pattern here, and it’s not a good one.
Ew. What he said was gross, but I’m not a dude and I know my husband rolls his eyes at some of what I say to my female friends.
If he’s 43 and dating someone 13 years younger, there’s a reason that he’s still single and he’s not dating someone closer to his age. I used to date older men and rolled my eyes when my mom told me this. Unfortunately she was right.
I think this lack of maturity and more importantly the way that he COMPLETELY disregarded your feelings is probably the reason that he’s dating someone younger. Who says something like, “I’m just not going to talk to you if you cry” and then expects to act like nothing has happened and have an emotionally healthy relationship?
Your feelings are valid, and he was treating you very poorly. If this kind of disregard for your feelings is a pattern, I’d pay attention to it.
6 months. I hope you’re not already living with this creep.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Chiming in to agree that this is red flag behaviour, his dismissal of your hurt feelings is abhorrent, and PLEASE disregard the neanderthals in here trying to argue that you’re being too sensitive. You’re not.
That is not a good guy my friend – I would move on if I heard that early on in a relationship
Bad joke, bad taste, insensitive boyfriend 🚩
In my experience, once a gaslighter, always a gaslighter. Don’t waste your time with this POS. Life is too short. Run!
You are six months in and you’ve already made 4+ posts about ways hes manipulated you, including trying to force you to move in sooner than you are comfortable. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this.
Yeaaa this is a recipe for disaster and if you dont jump ship youll be back on here venting about something else. Heres the writing on the wall: he doesnt care about your feelings. Do with that information what you will.
You aren’t overreacting! His comment was insensitive and disrespectful. Even after confronting how it made you feel uncomfortable and upset, he is acting as if it’s not a big deal. Talk to him about it again if he considers your feelings before his shitty humour then great! Otherwise it’s better to get out.
The joke itself is really immature and I don’t think you’re overreacting about being hurt by it. If you were leaving him because of the joke alone, I might say it’s an overreaction. What I feel is the most concerning part is the absence of an apology and the lack of emotional support when he said, “if you cry, I am sleeping in the other room.” I feel like those are things you might wanna think about, especially if not apologizing and not validating your feelings is a pattern of his.
Just because he has great qualities in other areas doesn’t take away from the fact he’s disrespectful and maybe not right for you.
It’s a fair question for him to ask his friend about dating, but to go into detail, express his thoughts (which were not a joke), and push his friend to be unprofessional – crosses many lines. He not only disrespected you, but also his friend! Then, the way he tries to spin it so you’re here asking if you’re the crazy one? Manipulative, gaslighting behavior.
He sounds disgusting.
Everyone else already mentioned how his joke is tasteless and his reaction is immature and disrespectful.
I’d like to add you’re 30 and he’s 43. You can do way better, please know that.
He’s a terrible person and a creep. He is into young women who are basically children. Him trying to say you’re too sensitive and that he’s going to sleep in the other room if you cry is shitty. He doesn’t care about your feelings and those are not jokes at all. You said he’s said that he’s said stuff like this before? Leave him. Why are you tolerating him treating you like crap?
You are worth more than this manchild OP, pls, listen to all the respones that are clearly signaling that your bf it’s a nono.
6 months it’s nothing, dump that child.
Oh girl. I’m 22 and I had a recent ex 25M who made superrrrr crass jokes like this. Even worst. He and his 40 yo friends would joke like this all the time, even about sex with his exes around me. Told me to suck it up, that’s how they joke, I’m too sensitive, I need to grow up, etc.
Just run, please. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me. If he doesn’t stop or understand, run please and save yourself the pain I put myself through. I’m still dealing with it and am emotionally and mentally fucked up trying to be “mature” enough for jokes like this. Some crude jokes may be funny, it depends. But this is more about his reaction.
Read my history. If you can’t imagine yourself in my situation in the years to come, then leave. I didn’t want to leave either, but I was so unhappy, unheard, and invalidated. He’s cursed me out, yelled, said horrible things every time I brought it up. Threw in my face constantly that his exes never had a problem with it, but in the end, I was the only ex who was open, emotionally and mentally mature, helped him with traumas, healing and such.
This is not the kind of “joke” that a normal, well-adjusted grown adult man makes, and even if it were, he definitely should be making it in front of you, a woman and his girlfriend. This is a wild guess, but it almost seems like he’s testing your boundaries and seeing what he can get away with.
Like everyone is saying, his reaction is manipulative and invalidating, and that would be a dealbreaker for me
AND his “jokes” indicate a real lack of morality. He’s advocating that his friend take sexual advantage of his students, which is pretty disgusting since he would be in a position of power over them. If your bf is ready to “joke” about it and then defend it, it sounds like he wouldn’t be above taking advantage of any woman, including you
U/LoisLaneintheRain, gurl, your post history is a HUGE cry for help! You’re basically monkey barring from one relationship to the next!
Have you considered being single for a while? You know, it’s NOT a death sentence to be single!
You’re being upset at the wrong issue here, which again, looking at your post history, makes me believe you have self-esteem issues.
I’m worried for you, really.
YOURE NOT OVER REACTING. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Stop ignoring red flags early in a relationship!!!
Girl leave, it DOES NOT get better, i promise you that now.
He is misogynist pile of garbage apart from being manipulative and gaslighting expert. You should get rid of him from your life.
He’s not joking. Not even a little.
Not overreacting, not fully because of the joke, but he was completely dismissive of how it made you feel. Refusing to talk to you if you cry is incredibly toxic and manipulative. The entire situation you described involved you making all of the accommodations for him to give you not even an inch. It’s definitely difficult, but looking into means to separate from him are what’s best for you.
It sounds like he is pretty immature for a 43 year old man, not just from the joke but from the way he treats you based on some of your other posts. I think the joke itself is pretty gross but to me it is just a symptom of a bigger problem. Can’t tell you whether or not to leave him over it but I doubt this kind of behavior will be a one-and-done type of situation
I know a lot of men in their 40s, and this describes to a tee all of their senses of humour. Make a joke, take it too far, get defensive when you push back. Just an observation.
Girl he was not joking. He is a 43 year old man who wants to take advantage of college-aged kids. GTFO
The strength of your repulsive feelings to the comment tells you something . I always try to find the root cause of that feeling , that can tell you lots about your relationships. Try to block out the noise around it and zone in on what that is . My bet it’s your already mounting doubts tapping you on the shoulder ! Your moral code and suspicion that this is not one to trust is screaming at you . Listen to it and try not to brush it off by blaming yourself with the I am too “sensitive” narrative.. sensitive is good ! It is telling you all you need to know . All strength to you , this is not an easy thing you are dealing with but please don’t brush it off . Good luck 🤞🏻
This child- yes child because that is no man, sounds manipulative as fuck. I used to deal with men like this constantly, too scared to leave and just wanted the relationship to work. It never does. I now have a bf who I’ve been for nearly two years now, if he says something and I tell him it upset me he instantly apologises and asks how it upset me so next time he can do better, and he always does, one conversation and it’s done. No blaming me for being “too emotional” or for not having a sense of humour, he realises he’s the issue and doesn’t gaslight me. If you seriously want a relationship get out of this one immediately.
Believe someone when they show you who they are. You already know you are not being too sensitive.
It’s locker room talk but anyone with common sense knows when the appropriate time to say things and when not to. I take ownership that I’ve said locker room type jokes before but I have a limit. I’m personally am not a fan of that specific type of talk (calling them dumb which is a more incentive to f***) but each man to his own. I think you should have a legit sit down conversation with him about what bothers you. Plus I’ve read a comment on this thread that this is your 4th time making a post about him within dating him within the timeframe you mentioned? I have no say on what you should do with your life but my opinion is that you’re 30, you should consider finding someone more suitable for you.
I wouldn’t like this at all. Setting aside the terrible “joke,” he responded really poorly to you letting him know your feelings were hurt. Instead of apologizing, he blamed you and flipped the script so it was YOUR job to resolve HIS feelings (having to convince him not to sleep in a different room because you’re crying!!)
Because of my upbringing, I have had the tendency to be attracted to people who treat me like this, and I can tell you that it gets worse. They figure out that you will abandon yourself and they will get their way if they treat you like trash, and there’s no mechanism to manage conflict together as a couple because they simply won’t engage in a respectful way, so you’re left to just suck it up and deal with it. This is a recipe for resentment and lowered self esteem. When I spent enough time in relationships like that, my moods became unstable because I felt so emotionally unsafe and out of touch with myself. And when you’re crabby all the time for “no reason,” you can both start to play into the narrative that the relationship is unhealthy because of YOU. Because you’re “too emotional.”
I turned things around for myself when a serious relationship ended with my ex and me agreeing that I had an undiagnosed personality disorder and that I needed serious help. I “came out” to a bunch of my friends, telling them that I was mentally unwell and needed their support in becoming a better person, and they all responded with a lot of concern about where I had gotten that idea because it doesn’t sound like me at all. And then I proceeded to talk to multiple mental health professionals (psychologists and psychiatrists) desperately seeking a diagnosis, and they all told me the same thing: I was reacting normally to an emotionally unsafe situation. I didn’t have a personality disorder, the problem was my self worth. Fast forward to last fall, when I had a short lived relationship with a guy who seemed amazing at first, but when conflict came up he reacted in a similar way to what you’ve described. For the first time in my life, I recognized I deserved better and walked away. I feel like I got my power back.
Anyway, sorry for the essay, I just wanted to share my experience because the dynamic you described feels close to my heart. You are allowed to have boundaries and tell your partner when your feelings are hurt. A healthy partner will respond with empathy and curiosity and make every effort to resolve things in a productive way. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and respected.
He’s terrible, are you that desperate for love that you’ll tolerate disrespect ?
It’s a red flag that you’re living with him after 6 months as is, imo. I could barely get through this post. If you’re going to move in with someone this short on time to save rent (which I think is a fair assumption), expect it to be like this. Normal, healthy people (especially in their 40s) don’t push to live together so fast. And before we go blaming all the men out there for this kind of behaviour.. Maybe OP, ask yourself what’s going on inside of you to tolerate it?