My boyfriend can only maintain an erection if it’s nonconsensual, and we haven’t had sex yet because of this.

I (F18) have started dating this wonderful guy (M19), he’s incredibly kind, loving, and caring and we are extremely compatible with each other. However, whenever we try to have sex he cannot stay hard and we haven’t fully had sex yet, but we’ve done other things like oral, fingering etc.

He opened up to me about having rape/slave fantasies involving me and told me that he likes it when I struggle underneath him when we’re play wrestling… basically he’s very dominant to the furthest extreme. He literally cannot maintain an erection if this isn’t happening—we have tried with “normal” vanilla sex with the normal lead up and foreplay and he couldn’t even stay hard long enough to get the condom on. As said in the title, we haven’t yet had penetrative sex because of this. I don’t know what to do. He has had issues with porn addiction in the past (and possibly the present, I know he still jerks off and watches it occasionally) which I think is a major factor in this.

He is a virgin, so sex is very new to him in general which I think gives him unrealistic expectations. I’ve tried suggesting viagra but he says that it would make him feel insecure for not being able to get hard on his own like a “real man” or whatever masculinity bs that I probably will never fully understand. I also am not sure if I love the idea of CNC. While I don’t mind getting a little rough, the ideal sexual situation for me isn’t straight up rape. I have had bad experiences with rough sex in the past that and have learned that it’s not 100% for me, but with my bf I am willing to try… I just feel like CNC is crossing a certain line.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep trying to have sex with him just for him to not be able to stay hard and get insecure about it, I think it’s a self destructive cycle that will lead to relationship ending problems in the future, and I’m open to any advice.