Hi, I’m currently at a loss right now and don’t know what to do. My (24F) boyfriend (30M) recently brought up wanting to do a threesome with another woman.
This happened while we were in my room about to have sex and I communicated to him that I don’t think that is for me. He immediately gets upset. I told him that at the beginning of our getting to know each other I had asked him his thoughts on it and he said no, never. I responded with perfect because I’m not interested in that, so what is going on? At one point he just lets me go (we were cuddling) and rolls over turning his back to me mad.
I ended up having to console him because he was genuinely mad at my response. Well, no onto last night (Monday) we were on the phone and the subject came up again because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to start harassing me and would respect my boundaries. He then proceeds to give me an ultimatum on how I am interfering with his dreams and how I could ever get in the way of that.
There is no compromising with him, and it’s not the first time it has happened where we can’t find the middle ground, so I agree for the sake of wanting the argument to end. I then tell him how I feel like I am being manipulated into agreeing and he just begins to go on saying “Well if I decide to continue dating you” which he only started saying the moment he asked for a threesome. I tried to communicate how I wish he wouldn’t put me in a position where I have to agree if I want to keep him in my life to which he threw it back at me again as to how he feels that he has to give up his dream and something that he wants to do in order to keep me in his life.
I kept asking him if there was no way to compromise, and he said “because compromise is you just giving me a maybe”. I feel like I am at such a loss. I tried telling him that I wouldn’t knock it off the table and would think about it.
It hurts more so because TW: SA -I am starting trauma-focused therapy for a sexual assault, and he had recently made a poor-tasting joke about what happened to me on the day of my birthday. I feel so many emotions. I’m torn, do I try to compromise, just say yes and get it over with, or do I leave?
43 comments
Leave this child
The choice is yours but if he is pressuring you into doing things you clearly don’t want then he has already made his choice and it’s obvious you are not his priority.
Leave. Now.
Do you really think things are going to get better? I feel like from your last sentence you already know where the relationship is going to end up. This might be the time to rip the bandaid off and be done.
He is attempting to manipulate you into agreeing to do something you flat out said was not an option for the get go. He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. Furthermore, making a joke seemingly about your SA (that was the inference I made, if that isn’t accurate, then disregard) is only further proof that he is trying to push your boundaries in a disrespectful manner. This isn’t the behavior of someone that respects you.
Leave this overgrown child. Nothing good will come from this relationship.
Manipulation. Leave.
Don’t compromise. He’s far from understanding and if he was he’d think about your feelings regarding this matter.
A hard NO is a NO. Leave him and move on. Good luck and best wishes.
The words “force” and “sex” shouldn’t been used together in an coercive or intimidating way.
As you’ve already noticed, he isn’t respecting your boundaries and I have a feeling he’s gaslighting you too, which is also never okay, neither are ultimatums, imo.
Stand your ground, don’t do the threesome under any circumstances, regardless of any tantrums or threats.
Tbh, he sounds very immature, manipulative and disrespectful, I agree with other commenters that you should leave him.
He’s not worth the stress and hassle by the sounds of things.
Emotional manipulation, coercion, violation of boundaries, lying, gaslighting, toxic ultimatum… I’m not sure how many more red flags someone can give you. please listen to and respect yourself before this becomes a SA story or long term abusive relationship, which it 100% will if you don’t leave.
In to the bin with that narcissistic man child
Break up with that red flag of a man
Leave this man child. No need to put yourself through something you can never take back.
He is a manipulative, gaslighting person ignoring consent. He is not a safe person.
He gave you his truth in the form of an ultimatum.
There is nothing you can do or not do that will change him or his behaviors. He will continue to escalate.
Please end it for your safety.
He’s being extremely manipulative in multiple different ways. Take this as the sign you need to get out NOW before this gets any worse (and it will).
Dump him and find someone who respects you.
Reddit is stupidly quick with telling people to dump their partners.
Poster: “my partner made this mild transgression”
Reddit: “OMG dump that loser now!”
Anyway, this isn’t one of those cases. You should dump him.
This dude is an absolute ass, and a child. No matter how you feel now, you should leave him. It sounds like the bad outweighs the good here.
Break up with him.
It’s not going to get better. Don’t agree to something you don’t want to do just to be with him, otherwise you’re going to find that you’re even being coerced into sex on a daily. Once they have you on one thing, they’ll keep using their forms of manipulation to make it seem like they’re a catch and you need to do so many things to keep them.
They are not a catch.
There are so many men out in the world. (Or women)
You are the catch.
If they can’t see that and can’t take a no. Then you have to leave for your own sanity and safety.
If you agree to it, I can guarantee your relationship is going to tear apart, you’re never going to get over it, you’re going to be extremely depressed, and he’s never going to take no as answer, so he’s going to end up forcing himself on you. Just end it, save yourself the heartache.
I’d love to see his face if you agreed but suggested 2 dudes instead..
I’m getting the vibe that there is someone he wants to sleep with and the threesome is his way of making it ok. I wouldn’t be shocked if he already cheated or plans to after this, given the way he behaves.
His behavior sounds abusive. You don’t threaten to break it off with your partner just to get your way. Please leave him and find someone who respects you bc clearly this person doesn’t.
Run. You are dealing with a narcsisist who will continue to cross every line and break every boundary you have until you are a shell of your former self. Get.Out.Now.
He’s a man child. I’m a man for context. Walk away asap. Biggest favour you’ll probably ever do for yourself.
I’m going to ignore the way he is choosing to go about this.
You are allowed to say no to threesomes. He is allowed to break up with you because he wants threesomes.
Let him break up with you. Better yet, you break up with him. You are not sexually compatible anymore.
Also this guy ain’t it.
“I’m not going to watch you fuck another woman. If fucking another woman is more important to you than our relationship, that’s your choice. I will not be bullied into watching you fuck another woman. This conversation is over and our relationship very well may be too.”
He has every right to explore his sexual desires. Just as you have every right to refuse to be a part of that exploration. You also have every right to walk away without any damage to your life. Chock this one up to… a learning experience. Move on and find someone with more traditional views regarding sex in a committed relationship. Good luck. Oh..Don’t ever agree to something just to make someone else happy., your happiness is important too, don’t forget that and don’t compromise your happiness and health.
Buddy, no one EVER needs to “compromise” by having sex with someone they don’t want to.
He’s trying to frame this issue to make it seem like you both have things you want, therefore you should find some middle ground. But you want to not sleep with someone and he wants to make you. These are not equal things.
That’s like saying this guy wants to kill me but I would like him to not. It’s true that those are both things a person wants, but they are not equally essential to our wellbeing. One is a right (my right to live, your right to only have sex you consent to), while the other is a want.
you mean your ex-boyfriend, right?
Say goodbye and move on.
All the red flags are waving. You should wave back.
Not letting him following his dreams would be you not allowing him to work his dream job or visiting his favorite country. Compromise would be picking Chinese food even if he wanted Indian. You’re just not comfortable seeing him fucking another chick and that’s completely fine. If he can’t have a monogamous relationship he shouldn’t date monogamous people. Let’s not mention that he lied to you in the beginning and now he tries to manipulate you to do what he wants regardless of how you feel about it. And on top of that he wants to paint you in the bad guy if you don’t do so. He is a vile person and borderline abusive. He showed you his true colors. Believe him.
Tell him you are going to have a threesome but with two other guys which doesn’t include him. Then dump him.
Get your stuff and run.
His dreams and aspirations include a threesome. Maybe find someone more driven 😆 like with actual life goal besides where he’s gonna stick his dick.
Now imagine how strong you would feel if you uphold your boundaries by dumping him. This would also be a great start to your trauma therapy
Why would you even want to keep this man child in your life?
He’s got someone in mind that’s what’s going on.
Guarantee he already has the third lined up.
I think this might be the most unanimous comments section I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
Literally not a word of support for him. Not even from a troll.
JFC. He is a whiny baby.
Poor baby doesnt get his way so he threatens to end the relationahip? What an asshole.
Do NOT let him pressure you into it just so you stay with him. Relqtionships are built on compromise like you said. This is not one of them.
My bf and I have talked about a threesome. I decided it wasnt for me. End of story. No threats, no pouting like a child. Just understand and move on.
Im sorry you are going through this.
Do yourself a favour and leave this pos
His Dream?… what a loser…
Please leave this man. He’s gross af