“I was confused by and didn’t understand you, but then I loved you”

Title. This is the effect I have had, in perpetuity, upon people. I was told this the other day, and it sums me up so succinctly, and yet that doesn’t help me because I dont’ even know what I’m doing.

Somehow I’ve been told things like this my entire life. I end up at a new place every 3-4 years and always feel like I’m struggling in the beginning, but in the end I somehow end up getting along with everyone.

It makes me feel kind of alone. Because I have no idea how my personality will stick, if it will stick, if maybe it’s all fake niceness and people end up staying close to me out of my utility. I realize I don’t understand people at all; I just do what I think I should do, or what feels right to me, because trying to do anything different never worked for me in the past. I’ve been called “chaotic” and “unpredictable”; this doesn’t sound good to me, and yet my friends use these as terms of endearment — and in weird contrast, calling me “reliable” and “helpful.”

Some days I feel like I’m loved because of who I am, and some days I feel like I end up loved in spite of it.

I’m waiting for the shoe to drop, and I end up at a place where I realize I was just getting lucky, or being tolerated the whole time.

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All this to say, I don’t really know what advice I came here to get… I’m just confused and feel like I must be lacking some kind of self-awareness to answer the doubts I posed here.