34M who primarily dates women 30-37 here who has some trauma and anxiety which I have been working on for a long time, but it still pops up from time to time.
I’m noticing in my 30s that more and more of the women I date also have some trauma or other issues (some would way broken, I don’t use or like that term because we all have issues). My problem is that because I am not perfect, I don’t freak out when women show these flaws (unless it is constant and recurring)…however, the very first time I show a second of vulnerability stemming from trauma or anxiety womens’ attitude towards me totally changes and leave me. And this includes women who have already demonstrated that they have trauma or other mental issues.
Women of reddit…what’s the deal? Are these women looking for someone perfect to fix them? Because that’s not how it works. And I have tried telling women I am working on these things…same response.
For more info this typically happens around the 1 month mark and I am in therapy still working on it. Not that they ever ask.
27 comments
Generally speaking – nobody cares about anybody else’s traumas.
People will pretend to care about (some) women’s traumas because they’re either a man and trying to get laid or another woman who’s there to validate and to be validated because it’s all so tough being a woman and stuff.
But as a man – other men ain’t trying to bone you and women don’t actually want to know about how vulnerable you are – not attractive.
So TLDR; nobody cares. As a man, you either make it or fake it til you do.
Well personally as a 29 almost 30 f who has trauma and anxiety and adhd I can only speak for myself but if a guy showed vulnerability or anything like that to me I would feel more connected to them. But that is me personally other women might not want to because it can effect or trigger their trauma maybe or maybe they just want the stereotypical old fashioned strong man. Idk I can only speak for myself and how I feel
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It would depend on how your trauma and anxiety is manifesting. If it’s aggression, that would be a major red flag for me and would cut things off. But if someone said to me they are feeling anxiety and are able to talk about it, I wouldn’t have a problem because it shows emotional intelligence and the ability to communicate.
It’s funny cause I (30F) have baggage with a capital B and the last 2 men I dated were so compassionate and understanding and I’m not shy about talking about my shit at all, probably cause I’ve only had positive experiences. My issue is guys do not open up to me the way I do with them.. like at all. It then usually drives a wedge or at the very least causes tension and bla bla bla we end things. So all of this is to say there are women like me who would love for a man to reciprocate and tell me some of his trauma !! Probably a super cliché answer but I just thought you’d feel better knowing we are out there !!!
I love when men open up and are vulnerable. If they have been through similar experiences to me I feel less alone. I instinctually want to care for and nurture my partners when they’re hurting. Can you elaborate on what vulnerability you’re showing to women and how they react?
As a woman who dated men with trauma I often found myself trying to lift up their struggles without mine being validated and at the end they f’d me over causing me more trauma lol At the end of the day both genders can have trauma if you really cared about eachother you can work to lift each other up if both are on the same page but you don’t have to be an asshole to someone just cuz you got trauma
Hell yeah we do. It has to be accepted and respected. When people open up that’s what we find. Trauma, pain, shame, and anxiety. Couples who pretend it’s not there aren’t going to work out. Couples who wallow in it won’t, either. Exposing these things is the foundation of good communication. Treating them with care is love.
“I show a second of vulnerability…”
How are you showing this?
I’ve learned not to say anything. I’m a woman in your preferred age range, and after two guys ghosted after I opened up to them, I learned not to. I dated a guy who had some baggage after he lost a child, and he turned to drinking to deal with it. He was open about it from the start, said he was going to counseling, etc. He said he’d told other women before about it and they ran. I said it takes a strong person to admit they have a problem and even more to get help. Let’s just say the things he said were true to a point, but he wasn’t actively attending AA or counseling or taking his meds anymore. He used what he went through in a horrible way.
many people don’t really understand people as much as they think they do. it’s just a matter of luck to meet someone who tries to understand not only themselves but also others
I think it depends on the context and timing.
If it’s my boyfriend of a few months opening up more about his trauma as a way to build intimacy with me and help heal himself? That’s a wonderful display of trust. It would help strengthen the relationship.
If it’s my 4th date with a man who has completely lost it over his trauma and is dumping it on me when he really needs a professional therapist’s help? That’s tough but I’ve got to wish him the best in getting help and walk away.
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Wanted to make a joke and be like, you’re just noticing that all the women in your life have trauma? But really though. I’m going to be honest with you. Men are the only people looking for fixers. Women aren’t looking for someone to fix them because we don’t need it. We were already being broken at the starting gate.
I’m currently being pushed away by my gf because of her past trauma from an abusive ex husband. I’m trying to do anything and everything to help her, but she’s pushing me away. It’s very hard for me to see her suffer and I feel like I can do nothing,
Show your inner weak feelings to an girl and she Will leave you. Was for me always this way.
Never cry in front of Gfs. Never show anger. Never show immaculate feelings.
You got your Bros for this.
Welcome to the double standard of attraction.
I’ll just tell you: if you are tolerant of people with emotional disturbances as prospective life partners, these problems may show up in your children as well. Children stand to live for 100y, don’t be too quick to overlook why other people have passed on this person. It’s not really fair to the children. Date them when they’ve done the work and healed.
I seek out well adjusted men who have constructively managed the issues in their lives, and haven’t regretted it.
Is it possible that you are using these vulnerable moments like a self fulfilling prophecy? You may be choosing people that are emotionally unavailable and then your feeling that “women leave me when I express vulnerability” is validated?
I know my friends (a little older than your dating range) can be very wary of men who talk about their trauma because it feels like this is another person they have to take care of while their own needs go unmet. And by their 30s, women are getting really tired of taking care of everyone and everything,
I feel its because we live in a society where women with mental health issues or trauma tends to be handled in a more serious way then men sharing the same struggles. To be honest, I don’t really think society care so much about men with mental health issues. They’re just expected to deal with it in silence, mind you, I’m talking in general; not a case by case scenario. I think a lot of times men are expected to be the strong ones and to deal with their pain in silence instead of showing vulnerability, and I feel that a lot of women tend to forget that men are just as human as we are. Also they go through similar trauma experiences, but deal with it differently, in many ways. I’ve heard many stories where men open up to their spouses/partner about what they’re going through internally, just to be called a ‘baby’ or to stop complaining.
Overall, I feel like people easily forget that we all need support in different areas in our lives. That’s why community is so important in any relationship capacity. I’m sorry you keep going through this, and hopeyou find a woman out there who respects you not just in a materialistic sense, but also on a emotional level as well. We are all deserving of compassion and understanding and want to be in a relationship where we can be emotionally intimate, transparent and vulnerable with each other.
I’m no Woman by any means but I would suggest to take time to yourself to heal and learn yourself.I used to attract alot of women with trauma because, I myself had trauma it’s a weird psychological thing you can look into. Healthy minds attract healthy minds and sometimes it’s scary being alone through that process but often necessary.
Feel exactly this. I chalk it up to people just not accepting their shallow/conceded sides, so it controls them in situations like these. They want these ideal futures right now, because (a lot like us men in our 30-40s) we feel we should be at a certain place in our lives. I believe this is more so with women that want kids of their own.
But yeah, men are supposed to be these all-powerful emotional rocks, to show otherwise sews doubt in other’s minds, subconsciously at least. It’s like a guy saying no overweight women. We all understand ideally to be unbiased, but we’re still going to have individuals with a view like “That’s perfectly reasonable. I’m sure there are people out there that will see passed that. This is just MY personal preference.”.
I would love to meet man who is acknowledging that he has trauma and is presently working on it. For reference, I am 33F and mainly date men 7-12 years older for various reasons (not this). I’ve met only two men who talked openly about their trauma with me, one flat out refused to go to therapy when I suggested it because his trauma was hurting our relationship a lot. At the time, I was in Therapy myself and he would blam it all on me and say I’m the one who needs help. Ive been working on myself and my trauma for about 10 years already at that time. The other guy who admitted mental health issues seemed like he was working on it, but we ended up not having more dates for other reasons.
Women shouldn’t have double standards period. I think the problem is that the toxic masculine steriotype/gender role is so engrained in them that they don’t understand they are in the wrong. I’d focus on trying to find a partner who is ok with you having issues too. A relationship needs to be supportive both ways, and if it’s healthy, can help heal trauma.
After being clobbered by the opposite sex, I have come to conclusion that: the way we are socialized is that men may have to tolerate different rules than women. Women generally only want equality when it suits them. If we have an issue we are INCELS, misogynistic ,not “real men”, narcissistic etc. I do not expect it to change, but I hold out hope there are many wonderful women that are not like this.
As someone with trauma and actively healing, I am very open to others on a similar journey. The only reason I would question the relationship is if I don’t see the both of us being able to support each other. For example, one potential partner endured a lot of loneliness as a result of trauma and abuse, and wanted more attention/validation than I could give from where I was on my journey of having lost my sense of emotions because of abuse.
This is why I think friendships / slow burns are great. Modern dating has become a rapid timeline of 5-6 dates in 2 months or less. Sharing and receiving traumatic experiences don’t work that way.
It’s an unfortunate but real double standard. Men’s emotional state is of *zero* importance to women. It’s best to just accept it and keep it moving. You may want to extend your age parameters out a bit in each direction for a potential shot at someone less bent.
Depends how your trauma manifests. If it’s damaging and triggering them, they have to leave youfot their own good.