Horribly depressed after my (24M) GF (23F) basically cheated on me. I want to fix it but it’s looking grim.

Tl;Dr GF lied and cheated for months even when given several opportunities to be honest. Is actually good now but I’m doing far worse.

Met a woman a 1 year and 8 months ago.

She claimed she was Christian practicing celibacy. I am neither, but I respected her choices because I got tired of hookup culture and really dug her.

Things got more serious, I met her friends and she met mine. I went to her church. We hang out a lot and broke her celibacy rule.

I want to stress: we talked a lot about boundaries, what we want, and the importance of honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

I expressed to her that if we were to continue we’d have to be exclusive, every time she kept saying yes.

Things got more serious. She met my family and I met hers.

Over time I noticed more and more male “friends” that she obviously had history with. The history doesn’t matter if you’re fully transparent upfront but she insisted on lying over and over. It all made me uncomfortable. I don’t care what you guys do or believe but I don’t wanna be all chummy with the guy who was blowing my GF’s back out if he isn’t some extremely amazing ex. A random FWB can go get bent.

Pair bonding disorders are a real thing. I try to protect myself and my relationships from this and trusted her but she just kept lying and I ended up getting hurt anyway so.

Long story short, I kept finding out more. All the time we dated, she’d been on several dates with men. Gave her number to a man in the gym then tried to get me and them to hang out, I of course said hell no and she blocked him.

Then there was the “best friend” that apparently “didn’t matter”. She said she wanted me to meet All her friends. All I asked for was transparency, right, like just be honest. If y’all fucked I do not care but stop lying. Well she lied obviously, and 6 months in to us dating, just before we’d had a big dinner with our friends, she’d asked him to come over for sex and spend the night but she chickened out when he didn’t respond.

I know because I caught her off guard and asked to read her messages. It had gotten that bad.

The excuses that flew out of her mouth were all the usual. He was convenient. I was dumb. You’re better. I didn’t know at the time. I’ve been trying to be the girlfriend you need. I’m sorry, I’ll do anything. This was like 4 months ago and by then she’d already blocked him but like….clearly the trust was just gone long before.

I do love her and I’m trying to forgive her. I still broke up with her tho. Didn’t go NC just LC, she said she’d do anything I asked.

To her credit, she’s done so much to improve. She stopped lying to her community, she got counseling, she went to her church and confessed and got counseling there. She exposed a shameful side of her to her closest people when she could have just cut her losses. She journals and has given me all her passwords.

She felt she needed commitment and asked to be my girlfriend and I acquiesced because she really has been transparent and honest. Overly so. Like I check and she’s on point.

Problem is, I hate myself now and even though I know she is better. I am worse. I feel like I disrespected myself.

I’m overweight and don’t do anything but work as much as possible, eat like shit sporadically, play video games, then jerk off. I don’t do my hobbies.

I don’t hate her. And I understand life isn’t black and white. I can empathize with her pain. But this isn’t it and I don’t know if I should endure this hoping for a better future of just make my better future now by focusing on my life.