I (24F) still wonder why

It was a nice day in August 2018. I had just turned 20, so I was pretty young to be a junior in college. However, at 20 years old, I, Roxanne, thought I was old and wise, and had closed myself off to all relationships after a series of failed ones. Being on the autism spectrum, I’ve had trouble making friends for most of my life.

I was taking Calculus 1 at my university. An event called “Calc Camp” was being held that day at my university’s STEM auditorium, to prepare students for a difficult semester of calculus. Since I was lonely and had nothing much else to do, I decided to attend. The room was crowded when I arrived (a bit late) and I frantically looked around, trying to find a place to sit. Then, the most attractive boy I had even seen in my life pointed to the seat next to him. Let’s call him Jason. We introduced ourselves ourselves I found out he was a freshman, 18 at the time, and had just moved in from Wisconsin. Jason and I, and the rest of the table group, exchanged numbers. I don’t remember much of the activities we did at camp, it was years ago, but what I do remember was that I had a great time and felt included. Jason even walked me back to my apartment that night, even though it was a completely different direction from his dorm!

When I got to my room, I tried to ignore how fast my heart was beating. “Forget it!” I told myself. In front of my heart there was a huge “DO NOT ENTER” sign. There was *no way* some freshman kid could just enter anyway! I would not let that happen.

Then, a few weeks later, my phone made the familiar *ping* sound. “Hey girl! It’s Jason from camp! I was wondering if you’d like to come to Baskin Robbins with the group on Thursday.” I had never used that much makeup, but that Thursday I remember going through all my drawers searching for any cosmetic bottle I had, then putting it all on before going to Baskin Robbins. I even used a curling iron for the first time! At the ice cream shop, I met up with Jason, and also other members of our group, Scott, Eric, and Maya. I got to know Jason a lot better that day, and about his childhood in Wisconsin. I showed him some of my drawings, and he said he used to draw with his dad, before his dad left the family was he was 8. I felt sorry his dad did that to him, but I appreciated him being so open with me. I found out he was into alternative rock music. So was I! Also, when Jason was deciding which flavour to get, he did “rock, paper, scissors” with the server to decide. I honestly thought that was hilarious. That boy never failed to make me laugh.

Our group would meet up at the STEM auditorium a lot in the next few weeks to study together for calculus. From really early on, it was evident how smart and talented Jason was. He was a neuroscience major, and really prioritized academics and learning. He would complain about getting a 98% instead of 100. He was a bit of a braggart, and was not afraid to admit out loud that he was better than everyone at calculus. He spent a lot of time helping me, which I appreciate! I was, however, a bit embarrassed that a freshman was helping me. He would joke about it too, saying things like “I’m already on the Goblet of Fire while Roxy’s still stuck on the Philosopher’s Stone!” I thought that analogy was funny. A lot of other girls would twirl their hair and ask him for help.

I was part of his 19th birthday inner circle. (Sad, but the last time I’d been invited to a birthday party was for my mom’s friend’s son when I was 11. So this was a pretty big deal for me!). I made a painting of a dog (he was a dog person) as a birthday gift. It really turned out well, and said I am talented at drawing. I wonder if he still has it. We went on a hike for his birthday, near a lake that I had suggested going to. I had been living in the town we went to college in for years already, so I knew the way around much better than he did. We were out at 10, the with the moon and our iPhone flashlights being our only light sources. I felt like we were in an enchanted forest, and I said that out loud to him.

He looked up at the sky and said, “you know, Serena would have liked this too.” The only slightly annoying thing about Jason was that he brought his ex-girlfriend up nearly every chance he got. The way he described her, she seemed like the total opposite of me. She would smoke weed, was really controlling, and would even force Jason to *do her homework* instead of her. Gross, I thought. Jason deserved so much better. Like maybe … me?

We started meeting one on one more often. I was the one to give him a tour around campus. One time, he asked me what my favorite candy was, and when I said “Starburst”, he showed in front of my classroom with a bag full of them! I remember the coffee shop where we got the same disgusting spicy drink. I remember swimming with him in the pool at my apartment. I remember holding hands with him as we were walking down the stairs with him in our Halloween Costumes (he went as Hercules, and I was Meg). I told him about being on the spectrum, and about my depression and anxiety. He said I could always talk to him if life gets hard, and **that I am important to him.** He was there for me the day I overdosed on antidepressants and also locked myself out of my building. “I feel like such a trainwreck,” I admitted. He told me, “you are not a trainwreck, It’s just a bad day.”

As the months went by, days grew shorter and darker, and my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) got worse and worse. “Hopefully I could make the snow more enjoyable for you.” Jason said. We were in my apartment, on the bed, and he had told me music always helped him in a hard time. We decided to show each other songs, and I showed him “Ramblin Rose” and he showed me “Young god”. While we were listening to “Young God” he lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I did the same. We dozed off … in my bed! By the time we woke up, it was 1 AM at night, and he said he could just walk back to his dorm. But I knew it wasn’t safe, and called a Lyft for him to get there. Part of loving someone was looking out for them and their safety. I fell in love as the leaves turned from green to orange to red.

As my mental health kept deteriorating, I was prescribed with a medication change by my psychiatrist. I still remember the exact day in late November when I had a horrible panic attack in my room. I was living alone in my apartment, and in a dark place. I really needed someone to talk to. I remembered Jason’s words: *If life gets hard you could always talk to me. You are important to me, Roxanne.* I picked up the phone and wrote him a long essay text (probably as long as this post) about not my recent panic attack, but also details about my childhood on the spectrum, having been bullied at school, the abusive adults in my life, and how these memories keep coming back in the form of nightmares. I hit the blue “send” button on my iPhone.

“Roxy, calm down. Let’s meet up at 5, okay?” We went to our favorite coffee shop near campus, that we’d been to many times. However, something about him seemed different. He seemed annoyed, and even a bit … petrified. The next day I thanked him for being there after I had a panic attack. “He said, that’s good, I wish I could help more. I’m also kind of in a weird phase of my life where I feel like it is healthier to step away from helping people. It’s kind of mean and weird tho. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

I told him he didn’t need to help me, and just talking about it already helped a lot. I also said he doesn’t need to worry about losing me as a friend, and that I’ll be there for him as long as I live. What he said next will stick with me for years to come:

“Um, this is kind of intense and scares me a bit. I feel like you feel like you lost something inside of me and that you’re trying to search for it in me, and it is intense. I’m not sure what you’re looking for. But you are a good friend so I guess I shouldn’t turn my back on you.”

I didn’t know how to respond. But all I know is, I wasn’t searching for anything in anyone … just had a rough past and trying to improve my mental health?

2 weeks passed, and I hadn’t heard heard from Jason once, which, for us, is a long time. *That’s it.* *I scared him,* I though. I never could keep any friends because I’m such a FREAK! I sat on my bathroom floor and I cried and I cried and I cried.

In early December, I was a dining hall on campus to get hot chocolate. When I am depressed, I have trouble forcing myself to eat anything, because I just feel a knot in my throat. Hot drinks somewhat help with that. That’s when I saw a 1-word text message on my phone. “Roxy” it said. It was him! I couldn’t believe it, but I didn’t want to sound too enthusiastic. “Um, hi J.” I replied. He then asked me if I wanted to go to a Winter Wonderland event in town with our camp squad. I put my best winter coat on, promised myself I would never be “intense” again, and we headed off into the night. I had a wonderful time at the event, and for a while, everything was right back to normal.

I was almost finals week, and I again hadn’t heard from him in a long time. But this time, I knew not to panic. I went to STEM center, which had now become a sacred, magical place, and saw Jason and the rest of the squad there. I was a little hurt that none of them had invited me, and then when I came to sit with them, none of them said hi. When I asked Jason how his practice exam went, he just mumbled *good* in response, then continued to talk animatedly with the rest of the squad. What had happened?? Why were they all suddenly acting so cold towards me??

Still sitting there, I send Jason a text message asking if we could talk. He replied, “you’ll have to wait until 10, when STEM closes.” Being the pathetic weirdo I was, I sat there and waited until 10. Finally, he stepped out into the hallway and said, “what is it Roxanne?” He seemed annoyed and ready to leave. I just wanted to ask him what went wrong, and why he was acting so cold all of a sudden. But instead I just blurted out, “iHaveFeelingsForYou!”

He stared at me for a long time with his warm, brown eyes. “I’ve known this whole time, Rox. I’ve known since, like, the first week.” I asked him if anyone had told, but he just said he wasn’t dumb. He then said some generic remark about “seeing how things go.” I knew it was just out of politeness. We got to the door, but he didn’t walk me back to my apartment like he used to.

In the weeks after winter break, I would sometimes see Jason and the squad talking and laughing together, or sitting together in the grass. I never found out why I was shunned. I will probably never know.

I was told by therapists and counselors left and right that the only real way to know what went wrong is to just ask about it. So one day, I sent Jason a text message simply saying, “why?”

Within minutes, the words “why what” appeared on my screen. “Why have you guys been so distant all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? I just want to know what changed, that’s it.”

He replied, “Roxanne, it is healthier for you to move on from me. I wish you the best.”

**We never spoke again after that.** It’s been 4 years. I’ve heard many times that “time heals everything”, and in a way, that is true. Although I am still a bit heartbroken, I no longer think about this on a daily basis. And whenI do think about it, I am able to see it objectively, like characters in the story of my life. Sometimes Jason still crosses my mind, and I wonder where he is and what he is doing today. Maybe, using his science skills, he will find a cure for some disease and become famous. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when hearing “Ramblin Rose.” And one unanswered question will always remain:

Why?

Tl;dr: A young man I had a really close friendship with, and with whom I fell in love, suddenly ghosted me.