I’m not saying nothing is my fault, I certainly make my mistakes. But my wife doesn’t take any responsibility for anything, ever. Even things that don’t need to be blamed on anybody, she somehow finds a way to place blame on me. She often does this thing similar to the butterfly effect, and goes back until she has landed on something that makes it my fault. And heaven forbid I give any explanation at all, she tells me to stop making excuses. Most people know there is difference between an excuse and an explanation, right? Or am I wrong there?
I wish I had more examples but this one is from this morning. Please give me perspective on this, maybe I actually am wrong in this whole thing and don’t realize it.
Preface: Monday night I needed to stop for gas but she was eager for me to get home and help her do something. She asked me to just stop at a regular gas station and put like $20 in, instead of going to Costco and filling up. She wanted me home ASAP and this would save a ton of time, no big deal. Fast forward to last night. I hurried home so we could get somewhere on time but told her I need to run for gas once we were home for the night. Well, we get home and I mention I’m going to run and fill up real quick. She told me no, just take her car in the morning. She said if she needs to go anywhere tomorrow, she will just stop for gas herself. I’m like okay cool, it’s unlikely she is going to go anywhere anyway.
Well fast forward again to today, I’m at work. I guess she told out kids they will do some baking but needed to run to the store for some things. I receive an angry text from her- “Fuck, I can’t go anywhere. You took my wallet.”
I responded to her that I had some cash in one of my jacket pockets, but to remember my car needs gas, so she will just have to run inside.
Nope, this perfectly acceptable solution, is actually unacceptable. She responded getting even more mad that I didn’t check to make sure she didn’t have anything important in the car. She then got mad that I didn’t go for gas on my lunch break or something since I knew we had plans after work.
Like, okay, sure I could have done that. But I already had a plan that worked, and that was going in the evening. But she changed those plans for me. I have also learned that if I had told her no, that I’m going to fill up now, she would have gotten mad that I didn’t listen to her. So I just chose not to have the fight. It’s a gas tank, she is an adult who can pump gas, not worth fighting over.
She perceives this as all my fault. It’s not her fault for leaving her wallet in the car, it’s my fault for not checking. Sure, the gas thing could go either way but she takes absolutely zero responsibility for it and blames it entirely on me. This isn’t fair and it is so exhausting. I wish I had more examples but I wouldn’t be able to tell them accurately after time has gone by, this one is happening in real time, so it’s easy.
I think I need to just start doing what needs to be done and letting her get mad. At least things will be getting done if apparently she will get mad regardless. If things are getting bad and we need therapy, what will she tell the therapist about why she is mad at me all the time? That she is mad because I don’t do things when she says it’s okay?
12 comments
Is your wife my husband? It is truly maddening dealing with these issues and being responsible for every single bump in the proverbial road.
If she really is my husband she’ll tell the therapist that you are selfish and don’t have consideration for her and her struggles. I agree with just doing what needs to be done, it will give you peace even if she curses.
Man I feel this post, especially the Costco gas run time requirement.
I also feel like she may not want to take responsibility because she appears to be making the decisions. You seem to have a plan set, but you’re over ruled by her. So if the plan fails she doesn’t want to take responsibility for that failure, so she finds something to use to place the blame on you.
Sucks man. The reason, might be deeper in therapy. It could be something like, she doesn’t like your plans because you take too long. She doesn’t like you taking long because she doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to be alone because she feels like you don’t want to be with her etc etc etc.
I’m Not sure the best way to address it without getting defensive. I feel it would be really hard to swallow a lot of pride and just apologize for something that was the result of her plan. You’ll need to break it down to get some perspective on it.
I agree she needs some therapy.
I’d highly recommend you both read “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy.
In the meantime, don’t let her put you in situations where she can blame you.
Don’t take her car. Period. It doesn’t matter what she says, just say no you’re going to fill up your tank and drive your car.
When she says “it’s ok, do it later” don’t take the bait, and get it done.
it sounds so exhausting!
Stop letting her snap decisions overrule your pre planned decisions. It’s absolutely messing her up because none of us make amazing decisions last minute/under pressure. She just seems stuck in the “I’m fixing this now with a bandaid and I’ll revisit later” mindset…. But later never comes.
Therapy is needed because she’s unwilling to accept her part of the responsibility. We’ve all done the first half of her shenanigans, but very few of us never learned to say “oh shit, I’m sorry but my brain broke for a moment and I made it harder for both of us now”
I’d also like to add that if it seems that she’s making these “high pressure” circumstances regularly……. It could be ADHD. I accidentally trained myself to do my best work under intense pressure in HS/College and I can tell you that absolutely nothing good is accomplished by creating a pressure cooker environment just so I can get stuff done.
>i think i need to just start doing what needs to be done and letting her get mad.
B-I-N-G-O
> I already had a plan that worked. But she changed those plans for me.
No she didn’t. You changed those plans for her. If you have a plan and a solution that’s simple especially for something like this, just do it
I think you need to (pardon the french), “grow a pair” and do the right, intelligent, reasonable things as you see them – obviously with kindness and while hearing her thoughts and ideas.
And then “stand in the heat” of her disagreeing with your decisions from time to time, without losing your cool too much – stay happy, grounded and relaxed.
After awhile, I think things will be a lot better.
sounds like you dont stand up for yourself thats the real issue. she controls and manipulates you
Sounds like BPD
she sounds like she might have a personality disorder, either borderline or narcissism. either way it is an indicator of poor mental health and not normal to deflect responsibility constantly. And it does sound maddening and exhausting.
I would explain to her that you are unhappy, this is not acceptable behavior in a marriage, tell her you’re giving it a month to see changes and effort on her part, and if it doesn’t happen you’re calling a counselor.
So you’re bickering.
It seems like your wife likes to call the shots, huh? I think you’d be much less resentful if you stood up for yourself and told her “no” every once in a while. She can’t dictate every little thing you do. This all happened because she insisted you change your plans several times to shave a few minutes off her time and inconvenience. Stop folding so readily.
I also think she’ll feel less frustrated if you take more control. You do whatever she wants against your better judgement and then things get sloppy and in her mind it’s because you “didn’t do it right! He should’ve also done B C and D when I told him to do A because that’s the thought process I would’ve had!”
There might be some initial whining and pushback but rn she’s the angry manager dealing with a lazy employee who can’t do anything right and exists to serve her and make her life easier. You’ve played into this way too long and you’re both comfortable until something like this happens.
Just ignore her angry text or tell her she can be mad all she wants and you will hear from her the minute she gets her sanity back.
She is totally unreasonable and dictating everything you do. nobody pumps gas in their lunch break… Lunch break are for eating lunch. Let her be mad. She cant stay mad for ever.
Who leaves her wallet in the car? Are there no burgalars where you live? And also cant she just pay with her phone/smartwatch like normal people do?