TW: Rape .. ?
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I recently got into a relationship with someone who asked me if I liked CNC, and I was immediately alarmed and concerned because my first thought was, ‘They’re into rape???’. I asked for clarification and then they responded with how they were interested in tying me up, and wanted to fuck me while I was asleep. Isn’t that just BDSM?
I didn’t really consider those kinks anywhere near CNC. I had to tell them that they shouldn’t use the term CNC if thats all they’re interested in because it really threw me off and I really don’t think they would ever want to act out rape with how violent it is, and with the premise of it turns me off violently as someone who never wants to experience that.
Both being tied up and somnophilia were acts I was fine with, open to trying, and can consent to. Even before trying them, my partner was always incredibly responsive to how I was feeling during sex at all times and actively encouraged me to speak up if anything felt wrong, and they would stop when I didn’t feel comfortable or unsure of, which let me have tons of trust for them to even consider going through with those kinks.
But thinking about it more thoroughly, somnophilia is still sex with an unconscious, sleeping body, and by definition, is a form of rape? Unless with prior consent. I’m unsure of the general consensus is and I’m unsure what to think. I have never experienced any type of sexual assault or abuse, and I am in no way advocating for it in any way, regardless of fantasy or roleplay. But does enjoying this specific act make me a rape apologist? Am I missing something? Is tying someone up CNC?
6 comments
Somnophilia is closer to free use than CNC (at least in my opinion). CNC is better described as a prior agreement to use a safe word instead of no, or stop. Where as free use, is better described as a prior agreement that a partner can do specific acts whenever they feel like within certain parameters, bot no, and stop don’t mean keep going.
The first C of CONSENSUAL is the one that matters. Including what you said about prior consent, which is of course critical. As is having a mutually understood way to hit the brakes on it if needed, such as a safe word system everyone knows. Like maybe it seemed like a good idea before going to sleep but isn’t working in the moment, knowing there’s a way to hit the stop button that will guaranteed be honored is what makes it CNC instead. It’s true there are some folks who believe CNC is impossible, but there are many others who can make it work and enjoy it.
I’m in the “CNC is possible if you’re careful” camp, and I don’t feel like that’s apologizing for or or providing cover for actual assault, because the focus is on all the above consent systems. If we use that as a starting point, it becomes possible to understand it. In the fantasy and roleplay of CNC, it creates a headspace where there isn’t any performance pressure or stage fright. The “asleep” person isn’t under any pressure to moan exactly the right way or do any particular thing, because they’re asleep. Similar for being tied up. There’s no pressure to move exactly the right way or pose or do a position. Same for the not-tied or not-asleep person, they’ve been (consensually) given a blank check to move in the ways that feel best to them for one round. With a little luck, it will feel great to the tied/asleep person too, but they’ve been given a blank check to not worry about that for this scene. I agree this is way, way more a BDSM dominance/submission thing than having anything remotely to do with assault and non-consent, because one safe word or tap out stops the whole thing. And since it’s all consensual, I think that makes it completely fair to enjoy as is for a variety of understandable and fun dominance submission headspaces.
These aren’t CNC, getting tied up and fucked is just shibari, it can have a CNC dimension if you are playing along telling him not to and wanting to break free but can’t, but this is a very much optional role play extra.
Free use when sleeping again just isn’t CNC, if you wake up and add in a “stop what are you doing” role play element and it’s pre-agreed that he can override this due to role-play dynamics then that’s CNC, otherwise it’s just consented to sex.
Also CNC isn’t rape apology, it’s consensual it’s totally different. It isn’t my jam, but it sits in a different plane of existence from actual rape in the same way as impact play is very different from hitting someone randomly in the street.
just focus on the details that are going to happen and if that’ll be okay for everyone. have boundaries and a safe word. that way it won’t matter which exact word you choose for it.
also if all parties are consenting and happy with it (before, during and after)… it’s probably okay?
i think anything that doesn’t involve someone acting out the non-consent part is not really CNC.
Also there is a difference between role-play and a real thing. People talk about it before and after, and have consent and rules.
In my eyes it’s like the difference between playing a shooter on a computer (or driving recklessly in gta) and doing that in real-life. The latter won’t be fun, even if allowed.
> Is tying someone up CNC?
If you tie someone up, the whole idea is often that you totally consent to everything that happens to you. Because that is what the stop word is for, when you revoke consent. When it’s game over. You are literally holding the risk over their head that you can at any time decide that they are out of line and that you want to withdraw consent. Being tied up, you NEVER need to surrender consent.
> somnophilia is still sex with an unconscious, sleeping body
You know how consent is usually supposed to work? Before anything happens, you get plenty of chances to insist that you welcome further advances. As it’s about to happen, you actually get a chance to say yes to things being taken further. While it happens, words and actions should verify that this is something you enjoy, appreciate and want more of. And afterwards, you get plenty of time to show that you may want the same thing again in the future.
If you agree to sleepsex, you need to be aware that you are agreeing to removing many of these obvious consent steps. The only one of them that you can be sure about, is that you get to have a talk about it afterwards. Which means that unless you *give express permission* to deprive you of those other perfectly natural consent steps, you still expect them all.
You can give permission to remove them all. Or some of them. Or none.
Just to name an example; you may be uncomfortable with the idea that things start without being a conscious choice of yours; so maybe you want to fall asleep with him in you, and see where THAT leads to. (effectively ticking two of the initial consent boxes there, since you were awake to consent to what is happening.)
And he may have similar boundaries too in return. And it’s not a requirement that his and your boundaries are the exact same, as long as YOURS are honoured by HIM, and the other way around.
As a preparation, perhaps also ask yourself if you are a anything-goes kind of girl when you are asleep as well, or if you have other boundaries compared to when you are awake.
But that is the first step. Make up your mind on how you want things.