While I don’t mind going to the gym with him, he always throws a fit and calls me lazy if I don’t want to do the exact workout he’s doing. For example some days I’ll want to do upper body workouts and he’ll get mad and insist that we work on our legs. Also, I prefer to do workouts in sets and he always wants us to do circuits. Furthermore sometimes I just want to go to the gym and walk and he’ll get mad and say I’m lazy and etc. He makes working out so annoying and he wants to control everything. Any advice on how to tell him this bothers me or should I just stop going to the gym with him?
This puts a strain on our relationship because he’s really into the gym and I’m not. I love going and spending time with him but sometimes I just want to do my own workout without him insulting me or trying to be my personal trainer.
31 comments
“This puts a strain on our relationship because he’s really into the gym and I’m not. I love going and spending time with him but sometimes I just want to do my own workout without him insulting me or trying to be my personal trainer“
NTA. Say this exact thing to him. I hope that he’s open to listening. Good luck !
Please recognize that this isn’t normal and break up with him. It’s not normal to insult your girlfriend and badger her to go to the gym and do the exact workout you want her to do. Even if he WAS your personal trainer he’d be acting like a jerk. He has a lot of maturing and therapy to do before he’s ready to be in a relationship.
If you won’t dump him, don’t go to the gym with him. Ever.
Tell him:
>You like how you two share a common interest, but you’re are also different people on how you execute the shared interest.
>
>If you’re going to go to the gym, you would like to do the things you enjoy because that is the foundation of your interest.
>
>Also, that you don’t appreciate him calling you lazy because you don’t want to follow the exact same work out routine.
>
>I am not your gym bro.
>
>I am your girlfriend.
>
>If you cannot be mindful of the reasons why I enjoy the gym, which is why I am there in the first place. Maybe we should stop going together.
>
>End of discussion.
So he makes you go to the gym where he has granted himself the right to throw temper tantrums, insult you, and control you.
That’s a serious red flag
Tell him so. Tell him he isn’t your personal trainer, nor do you want him to be.
Dude, if my girl wanted to hit the gym with me, she’s doing whatever workout she wants. If she asks me for advice or help? Yeah, sure, still up to her whether she wants to follow it or not. Gym is supposed to be a welcoming place, free of judgement. A temple of self improvement. Your guy has lost his way, he has strayed from the path. One must have both a swol bod AND a swol heart. He is skipping his emotional fitness exercises, worse than skipping leg day dude.
Hand him a 10lb free weight and tell him where he can put it.
Why would you stay with someone who routinely insults you?
Why is it fine for him to insult you and order you around, but you’re not allowed to tell him that this bothers you? Do you think that he’s under the impression you enjoy being treated like this?
The whole point of his behavior is to bother you. He thinks he is entitled to control you by making it unpleasant for you to resist what he wants. He is training you like a dog.
Why are you dating someone who thinks that what they want you to do is more important than what you want to do?
is this the only thing that he’s a total fucking controlling piece of shit about? somehow i doubt it
This is not normal behavior but totally unsurprising and to be expected from a man in his mid twenties dating someone who is 21. Not that a five year age gap is inherently predatory but there are some very specific and historically repetitive qualities of a relationship between a man in his mid/late twenties who chooses to date someone of your age. There is an extreme amount of growth, maturity changes and questionable ability to decipher consequences to your actions (undeveloped prefrontal cortex) before the age of 25, and a girl who is 21 is a very brand new young adult with a ton to learn, and is very easy to take advantage of. I was you, and men that age who are shitty partners generally cannot and will not try to have relationships with women closer to his age because they are more experienced with men and far less tolerant with poor treatment because they’ve learned more about what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship than a 21 year old. So these men will intentionally look for younger women so they can have an easier time controlling and manipulating them.
Your boyfriend is a loser, simply put. He’s psychologically abusing you and it is going to have long term damage on your body image and sense of self worth. Cut it off now before more damage is acquired, it’s going to take time to heal from this type of abuse as it is now and as someone who is now 26 and wasted my entire early twenties in relationships such as yours, I implore you to get a head start on the healing process.
Don’t let this man steal anymore of your youth and energy. He doesn’t deserve you.
You can do one of four things!
1) tell him you’re not going to hear it anymore, then put headphones in and ignore him. This is passive aggression and a bad idea, but depending on his personality, might work.
2) find your own gym to start going to.
3) talk to him, outside of the gym, and tell him how awful he makes the experience for you.
4) look at the broader pattern of behaviour you’re telling us about, realise this isn’t just isolated to the gym, and that he generally treats you quite badly, and start respecting yourself and break up with him.
I recommend option 4.
Join a different gym.
This is not normal behavior. My husband and I go to the gym together and there are times where one of us are more tired than the other so we do separate workouts… And, it’s never been an issue, because it shouldn’t be. Your workout doesn’t affect his, and vice versa.
I’d tell your boyfriend how his behavior makes you feel, instead of just avoiding the gym completely off the bat. If he reacts very negatively to this, I would consider this something that is worth keeping an eye on in case he becomes as controlling in other aspects of your life… But, if it’s just something you two butt heads over, and this alone, avoiding gym time with him might be the best temporary measure, at least.
Either he stops this controlling behaviour or you should split up. Talk with him outside the gym and make it clear you will not accept this kind of behaviour.
I think you see what you should do but honestly a word of advice.
Anytime he talks to you disrespectfully, just say ‘I don’t accept you talking to me like that.’ And walk away. Don’t talk to him again until he’s calm and treating you with respect.
Unfortunately you are going to find out that he probably won’t treat you with respect that often and you’ll have to walk away more times than not.
I had a very different idea of what your post was going to be based on the title. You already workout. Being a woman, you probably have different body goals, so why does he think you need to be doing what he is doing? It’s really controlling. He should be happy you go to the gym together, even if you’re not doing the same things.
Men like this dont even go down all the way on their squats.
Y’all hear of compromise? Tell him: some days I’ll do your routine, some days I’ll do mine. Some days you’ll do mine. Or, I’ll do none at all
How long has he been working out? Because his training program is poo. He can’t train you like he’s training. Your bodies are completely different. What works for one body type may not work for another. Does he switch days? When does he do legs and when does he do arms? When does he focus on core? How does he break up his routine? How does he increase his strength? Is he trying to increase his strength? Yours?
He is extremely controlling. This is not healthy behavior
Any gym goer would tell your Bf to STFU, you don’t put people down for trying.
The *nicest* interpretation is that he wants a gym buddy and when you don’t do what he’s doing he is lonely.
Do you see how even that is still childish and unreasonable? Girl, red flag.
Read your comments. You do realize he is a controlling AH, right?
Is he this controlling in other areas of your life together or is it 100% limited to the gym?
Sounds like a terrible codependency thing. He needs a gym buddy that he can workout with that matches his without style. He needs to work on emotional regulation so he can communicate his needs without throwing a fit. I understand wanting to workout with someone. It’s pretty boring otherwise.
The last paragraph is the perfect thing to say next time this comes up
Nah fuck this guy, how can someone be so unaware that they’re being a controlling ass. Sounds like too much work to me.
This isn’t about the gym, this is about him trying to control you then berating you when you make your own decision.
I’d be surprise is this behavior doesn’t bleed into other aspects of the relationship. My advice would be to stop working out together and communicate your feelings or sack the whole man off.
Protip: don’t stay in relationships where your partner insults you. It’ll save you a lot of grief.
He sounds petty and controlling. I wouldn’t stick around
Sounds like you have a better workout routine anyway if you’re doing heavy sets and working the stairs and he’s doing “circuits” which usually mean useless light lifts with lots of volume that result in little to no actual progress.
Maybe he should listen to you instead of pretending like he’s Ronnie Coleman
Why the fuck are you with him lol
If going to the gym with him, leads to you getting insulted, then you need a serious talk about boundaries.