My fiancee (26F) and I (28M) have been together for almost three years, we got engaged in July 2022 and since the proposal and the beginning of our relationship things have been absolutely shit because her parents still don’t treat me or our relationship or her with the respect everyone deserves. They attended the proposal and all that but continue to shit talk our relationship to my fiancee who has actively defended it. My side sensed some tension in the fact that her family hardly communicates with our side of the family, and her parents have barely talked to us in a candid or open fashion since the beginning.
I flew out with my Mom (my Dad passed away in 2019) to meet my fiancee’s parents to have a candid conversation about their reservations and why they’ve consistently been hesitant to accept me or my family.We had called her parents to see when they could meet for coffee and didn’t tell them what we wanted to discuss. They said they would call us back an hour later to determine a time to meet over the next couple days. They called us a few hours later and told us that they were packing to drive to another city because the guest that was over wanted to go down to San Diego. My Mom basically said hey please we just want to talk to you for fifteen minutes before you guys have to leave because it’s very important that we have an open conversation. They agreed to meet us in a mall and when we got there, her Mom was the only one that showed up. Then her Mom told us that her Dad was on the way (and he wasn’t), then after a while her Mom called her Dad and told him that he needed to come down and meet us. Her Dad showed up and both sides begin talking. My Mom explained that she wanted to know more about why we had been treated badly. Her Dad responded with we don’t have time to have this discussion right now (in a very snarky tone) and on and on the conversation went. Her parents started to get up and walk away because her Dad was growing increasingly frustrated with the uncomfortable line of questioning knowing that he couldn’t give us a direct answer. I want to be treated openly and with respect as a son-in-law which is all I had expressed.Emotions and tensions ran high, I kept my cool, my Mom said some things that she shouldn’t have said and got upset yelled at them, and her parents also said some things they shouldn’t have said out of anger and ended up walking out on us in a public setting. It’s been two weeks since this happened and our parents still haven’t talked (acting like children IMO).
As of now, her parents essentially told her that they still don’t approve and that she and I should expect them to be unhappy at any events that end up getting planned. My fiancee gets so intimidated by her dad in regards to our relationship that she refuses to have a verbal conversation about it (because he yells at her all the time and she shuts down, emotional blackmail and guilt tripping). Because she’s uncomfortable talking to her Dad, she chose to talk through her aunt instead who has been relaying messages between her parents and her. Her aunt recommended that we do get court married and have a small wedding reception because no one in her family is happy right now. Which isn’t what we want because we obviously want to celebrate us.
Her parents have also refused to let her announce our engagement publicly on social media because they don’t approve and are unhappy – they would also have to deal with their community saying “what the heck your daughter has been engaged for six months and you’re just now telling us” – sidenote: no one on her side outside of her immediate family and friends knows we’re engaged.
My side of the family completely supports both of us and just wants us to be happy, they are also willing to help and support with whatever we need to make sure that our wedding is a happy memory.
Fast forward to today and my fiancee and I are trying to figure out how to plan our wedding and events. She really wants her parents to be there and be happy for her in that we found one another and that we want to get married.
Outcomes that my fiancee and I want:
\- Both sides happy
\- To actually be able to enjoy our engagement period free from all this stress
\- To be able to plan the events that we want to plan and be happy in the process.
\- To be free from all this drama and bs and actually be able to be happy for the rest our lives together.
TLDR: Fiancee’s parents still don’t approve of our relationship and we want to get married and plan out our wedding events. They haven’t let my fiancee announce our engagement publicly bc they don’t want people to know that we are together (partly due to the fact that they won’t have an answer for why they didn’t tell anyone even though her and I and have been engaged for 6 months). We want to be happy and plan our wedding, and I know it would mean so much to her if her family was on board but it’s been tough even this far in for them to accept me and my family.
I’m smart, well-educated, financially stable and a decent human being.
Any thoughts as to how my fiancee and I should proceed? <3
Thank you in advance.
2 comments
Like, this may be harsh but honestly:
Fuck ’em.
They’re literally doing *nothing* but actively standing in the way of your happiness.
Genuinely and from the *bottom* of my butthole: Do your thing and let them have their tantrums ot whatever the fuck.
But before you marry: Your partner needs therapy and to set HARD boundaries with her parents. Until she does that: DO NOT MARRY! I cannot stress this enough.
She is grown but still so desperate for her parents approval that she has allowed them to dictate how much of her life *she* can share.
You flew your mother out without clearing their availability or willingness to meet? Why?
You give us no clue as to the basis for the conflict, religion, race or what?
Also, why does a 26 year old woman allow her parents to control her social media?