What is your go to, trademark, inappropriate comment ?

35 comments

1. If a small child is screaming the place down in a shop/restaurant, I’ve been known to go “oop, Ian Watkins has escaped….”

   It used to be Ian Brady, then Ian Huntley, what is it with Ians?

   I’m also from Liverpool so there’s another name I could use that would make it more dark, but I’m not mental…

2. I hugely overuse “that’s a challenging wank” in work zoom meetings.

3. Sudden increase in illness, pregnancies etc…”Must be something on the toilet seats”

4. Ask your mum

5. It’s a Partridge-ism, but I keep saying “All part of the bereavement dividend” whenever I see my mate has bought something new (clothes, new car, etc.). Both his parents died within 6 months of each other last year.

6. That’s not what your dad / mum (I interchange depending on situation/ my mood) said last night.

   It started as a response to being a short haired girl in year 10 & 11 in response to ‘you look like a man’

7. Well tickle my balls and call me Harry.

8. My wife and I do a kinda “that’s what she said”, but instead we say “like my pussay”, in a sassy jingle voice.

   Just completely silly, unsexual things often, but just completely daft and wildly inappropriate.

9. “What could possibly go wrong?”

   or

   “What fresh hells is this?”

10. “Jesus titty-fucking Christ”

    Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf7VmiMDwaw

11. Same shit, different arse.

12. Entering the office in work and saying ‘happening nobheads’ and proceeding to pick one person out by name, saying ‘alright Dave’ etc implying that they’re not the nobhead in the group.

    I change the person every day.

    Been doing it for about 8 years. People even get annoyed when they’re not named now.

13. Not my circus, not my monkeys

14. If asked if I want to go somewhere, standard response is “I’m there like Fred West! Sorry, Astaire, I’m there like Fred Astaire”

    Also, if a friend or trusted colleague ask me how I am, I’ll say insincerely “I can’t smile wide enough – I’m so happy, I could just shit”

15. “That’s what your wife said, at least I think she did, she had her mouth full at time.”
    Jimmy Carr.

16. ‘They’re nuttier than squirrel shite’ is something I’ve had reason to say quite often recently. I’ve also been known to use ‘Hades’ waiting room’ to refer to groups that are mostly associated with the elderly.

17. To a colleague of mine: “morning you sand cunted old hag”. We love each other really!

18. It’s not massively inappropriate. But I struggle with not calling web browser Incognito tabs: “Porno Tabs”

    Not great when I work in IT and occasionally need to instruct people to try things in a po-incognito tab!

19. To the blind man who wanted to check if he was heading in the right direction for the post office: “see you later”

    To the veteran selling poppies: “here’s some shrapnel for you”

    And to my mates when I’m last to turn up: “did somebody order a cunt?”

20. Semen or fingering.

21. That’s what she said

22. When agreeing with someone I often say ‘furry muff’ instead of fair enough. Sounds similar in my northern accent

23. “That’s what she said” is always a classic go to, or sometimes there’s:

    “Well that’s a kick in the dick” whenever anything is less than ideal.

24. Off Brooklyn 99 “title of your sex tape”

25. I’m pretty much unable to let an opportunity for a Yer Mum joke pass by, no matter what the circumstances.

    They don’t really *work* with my Brother – they just make me sound confused – but I still don’t think I ever let them pass by.

26. The smellier the better

27. I love an excuse to make people uncomfortable but my favourite is when I tell someone my parents are dead and they say they’re sorry, I like to reply “oh don’t be, yours are gonna die too.” If I’ve got to feel sad I might aswell make everyone else sad.

28. If I, a close mate or my dad complains of a minor or temporary physical ailment, my usual response is ‘hurtling towards the grave’. I don’t know that it is inappropriate as it’s the truth. I suppose it would just be socially inappropriate if I said it to someone who didn’t know me well.

    Me and an old line manager would mention ‘yearning for the cold embrace of the tomb’ if anything irritating happened.

    It turns out I’m just quite morbid. It helps to find kindred spirits!

    Edit: typo.

29. Whenever our godawful neighbours are not shouting and slamming doors we like to say “maybe they’re all dead”. It hasn’t worked out so far, but it’s the little pleasures.

30. Just because you have hair around your mouth there’s no need to talk like a cunt.

31. I used to be terrible at making cups of tea for my colleagues. One colleague, a lady I’ll call L, suffered in particular from my bad teas.

    Eventually, I got better at it, and she asked what changed.

    I told her I’d found the perfect brewing time – exactly how long it took for me to “go and crack one off in the staff loos”

    She enjoys my teas to this day.

32. “Second Time Lucky!” when i hear about a divorcee getting married.

    (or Third Time Lucky etc…)

33. If I’m not back in ten, just wait longer

    At the end of the day.. It gets dark

    Just build a bridge.. And get the F**k over it!

34. Not exactly inappropriate, but I sure do love asking people if they have seen that ludicrous display last night.

35. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.