I (31M) started boozing when I was 16. As I aged, I became a very simple man: I work my ass off, I take care of what needs taking care of and when it’s all over, I want to have a big dinner and some drinks. I never drink less than 3 days a week unless I’m sick or life is coming at me too hard.
I met my fiancé (29F) at a punk rock show when I was 18 and she was 17. We’ve been together ever since (12 years) and I love her with all my heart and soul. We’ve struggled through some hard times but always fought thru it together. In all the time we’ve been together, I’ve always drank (I never go to bars). It was never a problem beyond “don’t get too wasted” and it never interfered with work, home, school, family, sleep schedule, etc. Doctor has told me to take it easy but nothing permanent has happened.
In 2017, due to failed birth control, we conceived our first child. We were 100% on board with becoming parents and chose to keep em. God gifted us a healthy daughter. In 2020, we planned for another child and welcomed a son. People, I’m SO in love with these kids that I’m tearing up right now cause I haven’t thought of their births in a while.
We found a great house to rent. We both work hard and manage our money excellently. We’re on track to buy our first house this year. I keep a beautiful home (I’m a neat freak and a foody, so cooking and cleaning is about 85% my efforts). I fix what needs to be fixed, I help make sure our animals are always cared for (even though I could take em or leave em) and not to brag, but I’m one hell of a fucking father. My own (very old school) father is beyond amazed at how much I’m doing to raise these kids.
About two years ago, I was having an average Friday evening. I BBQd up a porterhouse and taters and I was on my 7th brewski. After dinner, I was doing the dishes while watching my show when my son (1 at the time) started rustling. I picked him up and started playing w him. My fiancé ran in and snatched him from my hands and aggressively snarled “I don’t want you holding the kids when you’re fucking drunk”.
I was absolutely shocked. She’d never even passively mentioned she disliked my drinking. I felt so stupid and I was just standing there with my dumb buzzed face. I felt like a total loser. I felt like my mom had just chewed me out. She went into the bedroom and fell asleep with the kids. I finished cleaning and had a cigar in the yard. I ended up crying cause I felt so stupid.
I didn’t exactly quit cold turkey, but for the next few weeks, I only had drinks when everyone was asleep and that slowly turned into me not drinking at all beyond the occasional couple of drinks when visiting with friends and family. I haven’t been “drunk” since the incident. My tolerance went to shit, and I ended up drinking even less because I’d get same day hangover from just a couple of glasses of wine. I started drinking non-alc beer (bc I hate sugary drinks and I get bored with just black tea and water). I especially love the Guinness Zero and Lagunitas.
I thought everything was fine. I lost a lot of weight. Saved a lot of money. Life was still the same. Chores were a hell of a lot less fun and I’ll be honest, I lost some of my spark. I feel lame saying this, but just enjoying my alcohol after life’s challenges was something I missed a lot. If I’m being honest, I lost a lot of enthusiasm I had for life. The days’ stresses were bleeding together and I didn’t have a “reset” anymore like I did when I would drink at the day’s end.
Jump to last week: we were getting ready for bed and my fiancé burst into tears outta nowhere. I asked her what was wrong?
We had gone to visit her parents the week after New Years. Her dad had cracked open a bottle of 20 year old Scotch. I love a good Scotch and I’d never had anything passed a 15. At this point, her folks and everyone else already knew I had stopped getting drunk but I’d never said why. It was super sudden and everyone we knew was shocked cause I was always down to split a 12 pack.
I asked for a couple of glasses and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa cause again, no tolerance anymore. My MIL was in another room with my fiancé and when they stepped in and see me on the sofa asleep her mom began to cry. My fiancé asked why and she asked her “Please be honest: is your boyfriend sick? He’s getting so thin and he doesn’t seem like himself. He seems depressed. I know he’s a private man, but we’re all super worried about him. He used to be so alive.”
My fiancé said that she had also noticed this in me and it was killing her. She wanted to know what was wrong with me and also wanted to know if I was sick. I told her the truth: I love booze with all my heart and having to choose between the bottle and being able to love my children took a toll on me.
She said she never asked me to give up drinking and I said she didn’t have to. I made my own choice. I don’t want to live in a house where I get side eyed with my own children so I gave up the booze. I asked if everyone really thought that of me and she said yes. That people had been asking for months if I was okay. I was surprised. I didn’t think I was that different (at least on the outside). She said she missed the old me.
I ended up getting really annoyed at this and asked her what she wants me to do about it. She said she realized she had caused a change in me and she really respected how I gave it up for them. She said that she wouldn’t judge me like that again and that I could go back to drinking if it makes me happy.
I told her “I don’t get drunk anymore. It’s not fun for me to get sick in the middle of the evening and I can’t even handle my booze anymore. It was not me anymore.”
She started crying again and said why did I let her make demands like that of me. I got really pissed off and really nastily said “NO ONE told ME what to do! I made my OWN decisions based on what I think is best. You got what you wanted and if you don’t like it, that’s YOUR problem.”
It’s been super tense around here and now I just feel like the local sad-sack. Like an old man that can’t get over that the Doc told him he can’t have beef and salt anymore. My fiancé looks at me like she killed someone close to me. I don’t know what to do…I thought I did what was needed. Now I feel like I’m being blamed for not being a booze bag anymore. I’m also super embarrassed that everyone I know has been talking about me like I have cancer. What should I do?
19 comments
You should keep doing what you want to do. And that’s not drinking.
Her feeling guilty about it is no reason to go back to drinking.
Just lighten up a little on her about it. No need to get mad at her. She reacted that way years ago, it made you think, you made the decision and that’s the end of it. You now enjoy responsibly. Good.
And sounds like you need to find a different way to unwind at the end of the day. Try out some yoga or meditation or something.
Sober here. If a doctor has to tell you to cut it out, you’re at least a problem drinker. Everything else you have said verifies that. 7 beers is too much. Non alcoholic drinks have alcohol. You have a drinking problem. She’s right. You shouldn’t stop for her because it’s not sustainable. I would honestly hope that you would want it for yourself. Alcohol is a depressant. It may help you feel better in the moment but in the long run it really doesn’t. AA changed my life. You don’t need to be an alcoholic to go. Just a desire to stop drinking. I’m the happiest person I know and really good at life. I attribute some of that to a natural optimism but a lot of it comes from the work I did in AA.
You both need to go to couples therapy. She needs to respect that you are responsible enough to know when you are too intoxicated to hold your children. I think you both need to be on the same page about your drug of choice and that you are an adult, clearly responsible enough to give up the booze for your children. If you truly are done with booze, I think therapy would help too with dealing with these emotions so you can be an open, lively person again without the booze. I think by having a conversation with your wife you can begin to let go of the anger you felt due to her judgement.
The thing is i feel like she’s maybe not exactly feeling guilty but is missing the past you. Its like the episode of friends where fun bobby quits alcohol and becomes boring. This in no way is a reflection of your situation, but its just an idea. You should definitely do what makes you comfortable. Your fiance is being unfair imo. Maybe try couple’s counselling that would definitely help a lot.
Honestly that last line you told her was so fucking satisfying to hear. And I think you should stick to it. Who ever worried about someone who DIDN’T have a drinking problem?
I guess for the sake of your wife maybe therapy is in order but if you ask me I say keep doing what you’re doing because what she’s upset about a) doesn’t make sense and b) was caused by her in the first place.
Congrats on giving up the booze. The thing that really leaps out to me here is your motivation was to not “get side eyed” or judged by your wife.
Realistically speaking, having an alcoholic parent has negative effects on the kids themselves.
Everything from how impaired reflexes, judgment and coordination could put the kids in danger in an emergency, through to the example you are setting that the best way to reset is to reach for a drug, right through to the higher risk of cancer, strokes, leaving them fatherless or with a messed up dad.
ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) is actually its own category of people when it comes to counseling/therapy. That’s the psychological/emotional fallout.
THAT is what you should be thinking of, your kids best interests, not social pressure.
Now you’re embarrassed because your wife claims people have noticed your weight loss, depression, etc. The way forward here is to find healthy ways of relaxing and enjoying life that don’t rely on the crutch of alcohol.
Your wife was likely in a codependent relationship with you, in other words you were dependent on alcohol and she was dependent on you having alcohol and enabled it in some way. She will quite probably want you to go back to drinking because it’s “easier.” Don’t do that.
Do what’s best for your kids.
I’m no expert, but I wonder if maybe you were “self-medicating.” Could be worth talking to your doctor or a psychiatrist about. I know my friends and family noticed I was depressed before I did. When everyone’s saying something, it’s worth checking out.
Please, please, please seek out therapy. I suspect this underlying depression might have been part of why you were drinking so much. You felt better when the booze drowned out the depression. So get help for the depression and hopefully you can have a no or low booze life and your zest back.
Mate, you have done NOTHING wrong here, you made positive improvements to your lifestyle and the weight loss is a sign of that.
If you want to improve your mood I would honesty suggest exercise, it really does help. You don’t have to go crazy, but going for walk, do some body weight stuff, swimming all helps. If you start now you will be the ‘fit’ dad out playing football with the kids, the dad who can throw his kids in the pool and give them piggy back rides when they want them.
You don’t have to drink to have fun, if you feel down at a party just think of the things that make you happy and use that instead. If that happens to be a desire to go play with the kids instead of sit around and drink half a bottle of scotch, I think you are doing it right.
all the best.
eta typos!
First of all you need to stop worrying about how other people see you outside of your kids and close family. Their opinions and observations are irrelevant and fleeting and a distraction from what matters.
Do YOU feel better? Are you functioning in productive ways? Can you be present with your children? These are the measures you should be focused on.
If your brain has had this release for decades then it needs time to adjust. Your needs may vary. A lot. And it might be a while before you find your happy medium.. Just because you quit doesn’t mean you are over the finish line yet.
Explore what makes you feel better. Find a new way to release- music, yoga, a rousing game of hide and seek? Short term meds for depression? Is it anxiety? Lifting weights? If you find a spark, feed it.
Tell your wife you love her and reassure your MIL you aren’t sick in any way. In no time at all they will have moved on to their next worry. Just take care of you.
You need a hobby OP.
This may sound flippant but there is a reason for this.
Your life prior to you giving up that occasional end of day drink had that as your “reward”. It was something that you looked forward too at the end of a hard day. It’s not a bad thing and most people need that “reward” to give them a bit of focus on (even if it is just purely subconscious). It’s the carrot for the sticks you collect throughout the week and to you because you have done it for so long, it was just “there”.
The problem comes about when that reward is suddenly removed. Nothing replaced it.
With nothing beyond the ordinary to look forward to for yourself – and here I am taking out things like kids, work, home life, etc as that’s stuff you do for both yourself AND others. Removing the drinking and not filling that void with something else to look forward to has you here in this Land of Meh.
This I think is why people have noticed this change.
Because suddenly life is just pretty much rinse and repeat. A lack of hobbies, a lack of a personal “reward” is now taking it’s toll on you.
Post you giving up drinking your is now get up, have a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, do work, stop work, have dinner, do the kids/wife/home thing and off to bed. Rinse and repeat tomorrow and the next day and so on.
That would drive anyone nuts.
So yeah, you need something to fill that “reward” void that the 3 or 4 drinks every couple of days gave you.
I say this because I was there once myself back when my kids were the age of yours and my wife asked the same thing of me. I went all in on giving up what I did without substituting for another rewarding activity and we ended separating a few years later because I just went into “rinse and repeat” land and found no joy in anything.
I used to drink regularly. Where I live we had a long, hard COVID lockdown in 2021. I lived alone and was single, so I stopped drinking during the lockdown because drinking at home alone didn’t appeal to me. I went three months without a drop of booze and in that three months I learned two things about myself:
1. Turns out I actually suffer from migraines! I thought they were just bad hangovers until I kept getting them when sober. Fantastic!
2. Turns out I was insanely fucking depressed! I had been too busy drinking beer to notice that I had lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy doing. Except drinking beer, still enjoyed that!
I will always love drinking beer. Drinking beer rules. But I like drinking beer occasionally and taking my stupid wellbutrin a lot more than I used to like drinking a shitload of beer often because no matter how good my life was on paper, there was a quiet undercurrent of despair to the whole thing that never left me alone.
I’m not a brain genius but I had been saying “I’m not depressed, that’s ridiculous” for the last three of the eight or so years I was depressed. Do whatever you like with this information, and best of luck man.
It takes a while to find joy in a different way, you need time to rebuild your life without alcohol (sober 15 years in March). The things that are fun to you may be different when they start developing again.
You may be depressed and even going through grieving symptoms after losing something that was such a big part of your life. But the fact that it was that important to you likely means you really do have a problem with alcohol, whether or not your partner regrets angrily telling you that.
But it gets better! And it isn’t always easy for a while. But it becomes easy and it’s just your life eventually. I know this won’t sound believable, but you actually forget what it feels like to drink and to be drunk.
Oh and I have a silly recommendation, but you should try “Hop Tea.” It’s completely alcohol free and is tea brewed with hops and tastes like different types of beer. I found out about it in a sober Meetups group I was part of. I don’t like sweet drinks either so that’s very refreshing and feels like a “treat.” Find other ways to treat yourself, btw, and that will help as well.
I’m sorry your family is concerned but you really are doing an amazing and strong thing. Especially for your kids. I’m so glad I’ve been sober my entire teen child’s life.
Ok I’m done!
I feel like this conversation is missing the part where she explains why she snapped at you about alcohol like that?
This reminded me of this episode of “Friends” when Monica’s boyfriend “Fun Bobby”, quit drinking, and just became “Bobby”.
Best of luck to you.
Drinking was a coping mechanism. Just think about how long it’s been your go to. Your body still misses it and craves it. But it’s not “you”. You just need to find a new coping mechanism to give your brain that feeling of satisfaction. I would suggest talking to a therapist or an addiction councillor. They can help you find better coping mechanisms.
Rough man. It’s almost like a no-win situation. You either kept drinking and have that situation potentially happen again with your fiance and keep feeling like a loser or you give up drinking, obviously change because a major stress reliever and hobby is gone and now she, family, and friends think you changed for the worse. You can’t start drinking again because you’re tolerance is shot so you can’t even return to who you used to be and you cant make your fiance and family happy because you’re a different person now.
I say keep doing you. Keep being a great father and hopefully a great future husband and let the people around you discover the new you because he’s here to stay.
You have to replace drinking with something else. Get a different hobby.
Fun Bobby?