Both women, both 25.
My very fearful avoidant ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and immediately asked to be friends. There were no warning signs and this was very out of the blue for her to just break up with me after two years of dating and planning our future. She has a lot of mental health problems that are high right now and abandonment issues and is NOT in therapy for it. We have been in contact and hanging out every couple days and she was sending me subtle mixed signals.
After our breakup, I kept blaming myself for it. I asked her to talk today and so we did after we grabbed dinner. I was just trying to understand when/why things changed so suddenly and she kinda chuckled when I asked that and I felt very disrespected in the moment. It sucks because she is such a people pleaser and has a huge heart and she was just emotionless. She constantly told me how much she loves me, doesn’t want to lose me, excited for our future together etc etc, so I was in extreme shock. She told me she detached from me. How does that even work?? How can someone detach from someone so quickly? We were so lovey and constantly showing affection so this has been extremely painful for me. Any other avoidants experience this?
I will say that her “last straw” was based on me potentially leaving her if she were to get top surgery but I told her a million times I would never do that. I didn’t have the most supportive response initially, but I took a lot of time to educate myself and open my mind. I love her unconditionally and she told me “i need someone that will 20000% for sure be by my side during that time and want me at the end of it” But that’s never guaranteed with anyone??? I tried to make it very clear that I would support her through anything and everything. Wasn’t enough… :/ I put up a strong fight but I officially gave up tonight. Blocked her on everything. Hope one day she can realize that her inner trauma needs to be healed and I would have been there for her while everyone else is being cruel aka her family. :/
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I hate feeling like I’m projecting the one thing I’m familiar with onto every situation, but is one of her known conditions ADHD? The overattachment/ people pleasing and the sudden lack of attachment are things I’ve experienced myself (from both sides too) and had no clue it had anything to do with ADHD. Plus a lot of other stuff is familiar
It happens like a light switch. Sometimes the feeling is gone already, even if we know we should and want to feel good about the relationship, and it takes just one uncomfortable thing to give the ‘excuse’ to make the decision to end it. In the past I and other ADHD partners have chalked it up to “don’t feel it, that must mean it will never work” which sounds like a sensible idea from the outside. This works the other way too, dating for a while feeling detached and suddenly being really into it.
Learning more about ADHD helped me better weigh the meanings of feelings or lack of feelings. I’m just saying she might have an illness or condition that she might not fully understand, so she reasoned (consciously or subconsciously) the full amount of her feelings must be because the relationship wasn’t working, and getting out if it would solve that. This was probably the best she could do in response to her feelings. She was just trusting them, when sometimes our brain will tell us stuff we know isn’t right, but we don’t know enough to argue