Sorry, this is a long one. Thanks for reading and offering encouraging words.
My boyfriend recently expressed that he has a kink for Femdom. At first, I was extremely turned off and wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But since I absolutely love him, I decided that I would be open to it.
We spent alot of time up front discussing the aspects of Femdom that turns him on the most, what didn’t turn him on, what he wanted to try and what was an absolute hands down no for him. We discussed what my limitations were too and while I was still very cautious of the whole thing, I was open to all of it because I could see how he reacted to just talking about it.
As I researched Femdom, I wasn’t feeling excited about most of what I saw. It just wasn’t something that appealed to me or turned me on. However, when I kept digging for information I came across Gentle and Extra Gentle Femdom and that peeked my interest. The elements of GFD really seemed like a good balance between what he wanted and what I would be open to trying for him. I am extremely nurturing and kind by nature, so this is what really made me think GFD would be more my thing. I brought it up to my BF and he agreed this is what he wanted. He didn’t want humiliation, pain, degradation etc. He wanted me to take complete control of everything and dominate him in a loving and nurturing way. He said he wanted to serve me and please me and wanted to call me Empress. All of it sounded OK still and something I wanted to try.
We’ve brought this new dynamic into the bedroom exclusively so we could see if it’s something we like. He LOVES it. He keeps saying I’m a natural at it and it’s exactly what he wants and he’s happy and satisfied. He’s started to take it out of the bedroom now too. He says he’s interested in a Female Led Relationship dynamic now too. I’m not sure to what extent as that just came up in random text today.
I dont feel like me when we so Femdom. My BF feels like it fits me so well because I’m extremely successful in my career, I can command a room and I am confident when I speak and interact. But that’s “work” me and I also struggle on a daily basis with Imposter Syndrome.
I feel less feminine being “in control” in the bedroom and honestly, I know that’s bullshit but it’s just how I feel. I feel like I’ve lost that soft, feminine, nurturing side to me when I’m telling him what to do. And the tone comes through in a kind and playful tone, but it still doesn’t make me feel sexy or feminine. Dominating him feels aggressive and out of character for me.
I will say though, seeing how he reacts to it and how turned on he is, that really does it for me, but the entire time I’m feeling like a fraud and an imposter and not sure I’m fully letting go and being present with him.
Please be kind when I ask this question, but is there anything I can do to really help get me fully there and share this kink with him? This man is the love of my life and my soul mate. He said if I wasn’t into it we could stop it, but honestly it breaks my heart to think he would have to give up something that really satisfies him sexually. He always expressed satisfaction with our sex life, but you can tell this REALLLLLLLY does it for him.
Faking it until you make it isn’t really working. Is there anything else I can do to fully embrace this? Or anything else I could do to try and feel more feminine and sexy while doing it?
7 comments
I get that feeling. You could have days where you femdom then days where you do what you want. Or you could simply tell him what to do as part of the “femdom”. Like “now make me cum” type of thing
Im also into this but I am a switch, some days I’m in full strap him down and grind on his face mood, some days I want the opposite and to be used like a toy. I love playing with control and giving it over to someone else. Slow sensual handjobs and blowjobs, edging him, I feel feminine when I do all these things. I dress up so I feel sexy and remember sex is fluid, dynamics shift, sometimes I just want slow and sensual , sometimes a bdsm fuckfest. Is he willing to compromise on how often you play this way? If it’s not for you all the time, you may enjoy it more knowing it’s not the only dynamic you have.
Part of the problem with trying to research anything femdom related is that it tends to be from a male-sub perspective and heavily leans towards fantasy. It’s all very male-driven, which makes it hard to find the parts that the women are going to actually enjoy.
I would continue to do what you’re doing in trying to find the particular ways that you enjoy being in control, rather than what is depicted.
It’s not always gentle femdom, but I would recommend checking out the domme chronicles blog by “Ferns” for a refreshingly real and feminine perspective of femdom.
Edit to add: Being in control doesn’t always mean making all the decisions either. Sometimes it can mean tell him to choose things (if that is a dynamic that he is okay with as well). Or challenging him to give you x amount of orgasms while you lay back and enjoy. Etc
As someone that switches, it’s hard to find women into femdom. Even harder GFD. I want to say from the outset it’s nice to see a partner put the effort into it.
Moreover, you are successful in your career. I love having women like as partners. It’s generally low drama for the non-bedroom stuff. But, in my experience, after having to be the boss all day, they generally do not have the energy or desire to continue that in the bedroom. Or sometimes they really want it to be more passive and service oriented where they don’t have to make a lot of decisions. Or they’d much rather sub.
What you have going for you is you are willing to put the effort and research in. You seem to get off on his pleasure. Some partners are indifferent about it and you get a lot of topping from the bottom. You get a gold star for what you’re putting into the play.
Drawing from my experiences, if someone isn’t naturally interested in dominance, I would not have them do it all the time. Can there be a compromise between vanilla and D/s? You could even schedule it out so it nothing fades away.
Could you reduce the mental load of some of the play? Make some it more service oriented. Pre done things for him to do.
Have you thought about what YOU want in the bedroom if you could have your fantasy? Perhaps there’s something you want fulfilled, and if that could happen it would make the play easier to do.
Watch some Mistress T videos to get an inkling of what’s possible. If you get tired of the extreme stuff, how about a quiet evening at home while he sits naked on the floor and massages your feet?
I think you should see some really inspiring gourgeous femdom woman. When I started my journey a lot of times I’d see something and just think it’s agressive, not feminine and a turnoff, but I stumbled upon some woman who just inspire submission with one look, you feel mesmerized by their feminine power.. so the guy being into you just mean he worships you and your femininity.
It still might not be to you, but being a domme means your feminine power are above everything else, not to stripe away your femininity.
I’m small, talk in a smooth voice and still a domme. Sure, I also like to ask for some absurd acts of devotion, into heavy podolatry and a sadistic, so It helps a bit 🤣.
Just a thought, take it as you will: I know a very much in love husband and wife where the husband was submissive but the wife was not overly dominant.
With her permission, he sought out professional services to relieve that itch as needed and one of those conditions was he never penetrated that woman. He always respected his wife’s boundaries and conditions and he was more than happy with that arrangement.
He very clearly absolutely loves his wife.